losing myself in becoming a new parent…

posted 6 months ago in Parenting
Post # 16
Member
954 posts
Busy bee

I agree that you have more of a husband problem than anything. I think you need to try to have a heart-to-heart with him about how overwhelmed you’re feeling and ask him for specific things you need help with (even if it’s agreeing to hire a babysitter for a few hours each week so you can BOTH get out of the house- whether you go out together or do your own things).

 

Being jealous of the attention Mom is giving baby is a pretty common feeling for new dads though. If you can’t work it out together, you may need to find a family counselor to help facilitate the convo so that both of you feel heard and understood and are actively working to adjust to life as parents. 

 

3 Months is hard though. You’ve run out of the “new baby high” adrenaline you’ve been running ok since birth and are both likely exhausted and on your last nerve. I honestly didn’t feel like “myself” again until baby was probably around 7-9 months so you need to actively work together to improve the situation because you’ve got a long way to go until life gets a lot easier again.

Post # 17
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

People often feel like they’re losing themselves during big life events like this. The reality is that you’re in transition between two major eras of your life! You have a whole new identity to fit in with all your other ones!

Your husband needs to get over himself, there’s one baby in the house and it’s not him. He needs to pull his weight with the baby. Has it even occurred to him that if he did his part you would likely be spending more time together parenting and he wouldn’t feel so neglected? He’s an adult, it’s not your job to meet his needs, but him being around more would probably work that out on its own! New moms have no shortage of problems, he needs to bring you fewer problems and more solutions. 

Post # 18
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I went back to work early too and our Dear Daughter is nearing 6 months. Babies are hard. So very hard. I felt like I lost myself too during the first months and understand how you’re feeling. I finally made a huge hair change last week and it feels so damn good. Do you have a GoodLife Gym nearby? They have a fantastic jump daycare program where I only pay $30/mth to have them watch the baby and I get to work out. My husband helps me a lot though and his “nights out ” are our nights out together when my mom can take her for a few hours. Is there anyone that can help you with taking your baby once a week so you can go out for a date night? Just taking the baby into the car and going for a drive was a lifesaver for me for some of those really hard day’s in the beginning. Agree with a pp that it’s important to rule to out ppd. Gl

Post # 19
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Oof. I agree with others- babies are hard, being a new mom often includes a feeling of loss of self, and it does sound like your husband needs a reality check. Also, I battled some PPD bad with my first, and frankly, you sound like you might have a little two. 

1. It does get better. You will, eventually, feel like yourself or a new version of yourself. 

2. Make yourself a priority, and make sure you talk honestly to your husband about your needs and where he is and isn’t supporting you. 

3. Maybe talk to your OB about PPD. Drugs, therapy, both, are all helpful- especially if you’re feeling like you’re at the end of your rope. 

Know this doesn’t last forever and hang in there!

Post # 20
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

OP are you breastfeeding? I hate to say it but I felt like I totally lost my identity the entire time I was breastfeeding my son (almost 11 months). I felt like a shell of my former self. Like a slave to my child. Like my entire purpose for being was to be a human food bag. My husband was awesome but there wasn’t much he could do to alleviate that feeling. Once I stopped breastfeeding I felt sooooo much better! Like night and day! If I had known back then the positive affect it would have on my mental health I wouldn’t have done it for so long. Live and learn. But that was just my experience.

I will say though…it does sound like regardless your husband needs to step up more. You walking around the grocery by yourself is not the same as him having fun nights out with the boys. That’s not okay. When do you get a night out with friends? What about a spa day? 

Post # 21
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry OP. It sounds like you have a husband problem. And you need much more support than you’re getting.

He almost sounds resentful or jealous of the baby or something? Idk but something seems off with him. 

Do you have family and or friends who could help you out? It would also be good to rule out PPD like pp suggested.

Im not a mom but it sounds like you need more support. I know I would in your position! 

I hope you get the strength to reach out so you can address this and relieve some stress. 

You deserve to be able to find a balance even as a new mom and I hope you can get back to working out soon! That can make such a difference with your mood! Hugs bee

Post # 22
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Kslim13 :  Adjustung to becoming a parent is hard for sure! It does get easier. Our baby is almost 7 months but  I still remember the first few months….I really never left the house and everything revolved around the baby. Still does but we learned how to get out and about with her. I do feel it can take some men a bit longer to bond with a baby and adjust. But your situation I do find strange. Why can your husband go out with friends when all you get is alone time doing errands? Errands is not having time to yourself to do things you enjoy and should not count as “your time” if your husband goes out one night he should defiantly let you go out during the day to see friend’s, get your nails done etc! You should also be allowed to go out with friends on a Friday night sometimes! You both made this baby and it isnt fair it all falls to you! I’ll admit it took me and my husband sometime to sort it all out too in the beginning . While I was on maternity leave and he worked I did everything for the baby…..once I went back to work he had to help and now we are more equal . Probably should have been more equal in the beginning but like I said it just took us time! Having a baby is a big adjustment on a marriage. I think you should just talk to your husband. Let him know how you feel and that you need some ” me time” that doesnt involve running errands. It is really good for him to bond with the baby while you are gone. Hang in there! I felt like the first few months home with a newborn were pretty isolating. My situation was reverse of yours bc my baby was born in the winter and it was too cold to go out much! Sounds like its too hot for you!

Post # 23
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Firstly, EVERYTHING changes when you have a baby so you probably won’t ever get your pre-pregnancy self back because that’s just not your life anymore. And speaking from experience, life gets much easier when you accept the change and roll with it rather than fighting to get the impossible back. And you are so new to this at the moment, your wee babe is only three months old so you’re still finding your new normal.

With regards to the division of labour, I really believe that the 50/50 idea is a myth but it does balance itself out over time. I have three children and now that my big kids are older my husband takes a lot more of the responsibility for them. I’m a breast feeder from way back (currently feeding my third who is almost 14 months) so I’m always going to be “home base” for my kids but I get a sleep in every Sunday morning and happily leave the kids at home with him while I go run errands and such.

Having said all that, your husband needs to get over the “tit for tat” mentality and realise that he needs to look after you so you can look after the baby. His place is at home with his family and not out enjoying his pre-parenthood social life! You guys need to sit down and have an honest discussion about both of your expectations and work something out that suits both of you. And if he’s not prepared to make changes then I’d question his dedication to your marriage and your family because being married (and a parent) is about doing what’s best for the unit and not just himself.

Post # 24
Member
837 posts
Busy bee

‘Never seems down to watch him’?? Why does he get the option to decide and you don’t? Your husband is the problem, not you. Sounds like he’s competing with the baby for attention…..much the same as a toddler would. Show him this comment thread and start giving him more responsibility!

Post # 25
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee

Ahh ok, 3 months is still so young and the whole mom thing is so new. When they are that little, they are so reliant on us parents and they don’t really do a whole lot of anything so I can see how you might feel a overwhelmed. My advice remains the same, Darling Husband needs to step up more and you need to start planning fun things for you to do on your own once a week. Can you do hikes early in the morning or later on the evening when it’s cooler ? Otherwise you might look into doing other activities in the air conditioning until the weather isn’t so hot later in the year.

Post # 26
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee

My baby is 5 months old.  It is tough.  I cancelled my gym membership because I never had time to go.  I’m trying to fit in walking and weight lifting at home.  I’m never going to have the free time I did before.  It’s been the same for my husband though.  He comes straight home from work and doesn’t go out late with friends.  We try to host late afternoon get togethers when baby is awake, we take turns cooking, we went on a short hike as a family today (it isn’t as hot here). Your husband isn’t pulling his weight but even if he does it will still be hard.  I think it’s getting a bit easier though. The baby becomes more interactive and moves independently and there is more you can do with them as they get a bit older.

Post # 27
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Kslim13 :  Your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk.  I suggest couples counseling to get to the root of your issues, which are not normal and not totally based on being new parents.

Post # 28
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

So you’re losing yourself in becoming a new parent and for your husband it’s business as usual? Frankly as a new dad of a 3-month-old, you just don’t get to go out to bars two nights a week. Pure and simple. Full stop.

If I were you I wouldn’t stand for this. It’s a difficult transition to be sure but the baby has been here 3 months now. My maternity leave is shorter than that. Pumps/formula exist. Bottles exist. He can Google “how to give baby a bottle” can’t he?  It’s not rocket surgery. Millions of men have figured it out and so can he. I’ve left my husband at home with baby for weeklong trips. They lived.

Babies this age literally only do like 2-3 things, so he needs to stop being a man child and step up because it doesn’t take fucking Einstein. 

Post # 29
Member
2983 posts
Sugar bee

Time for hubby to get his shit together. My son is 16 months and I’m finally to the point where I feel like me again, mostly. I’m still nursing but I’m quickly getting to the point where I’m done with that. 

I will say though that you should check out your local YMCA. I’ve been to many, in lots of states and each one has 2 hours of free child care while you’re at the gym. The youngest they take babies is 6 weeks. 

My sister in law used to go to Starbucks, get a coffee and treat, dropped the kids in the daycare and relaxed using their WiFi. As long as you stay on property (they also offer 2 hours of free WiFi!), they don’t care what you do. Many also offer off-site hours (you can leave the property) for $5 an hour. Some have a cardio theater with movies on a loop while you’re on the treadmill/bike/eliptical.

She would watch her shows, a movie, read a book, sleep… whatever. I see sooo many moms doing that when I go to the gym. The bigger of the two Y’s near me has a “sleeping” room for moms.. no joke. Dark. Quiet. No baby or husband. It’s heaven. Sit in the hot tub or sauna, and then sleep for 1.5 glorious hours. Something to look into!

Outside of that, get your husband in line and hang in there. It does get better. We’re TTC #2 soon, and the newborn phase is one I’m not looking forward to. 

Post # 30
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ill be blunt. Your husband is a jackass. Going to the grocery store to shop for dinner items isn’t considered spending the day doing what you want. He needs to get over himself. And he needs to stop going out every weekend, sorry not sorry. Do something as a family. I would be so pissed if I were you. I’d honestly probably move his shit into a spare room and stop doing his laundry until he decided to act like a husband and father.

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