losing myself in becoming a new parent…

posted 6 months ago in Parenting
Post # 31
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I totally get it. We went through 3 years of IVF to have our daughter and she will be our only baby. I’m so grateful for her but a lot of the time I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. She’s now 3.5 and I’m just learning how to be me again. She was an exceptionally difficult baby and even as a toddler she is all about mommy. She wants to be carried and entertained 24/7 and I have definitely had moments of breakdown trying to balance a full time job, a per diem job, keeping a large house clean, 2 cats, and doing the majority of taking care of her. I recently had a moment of clarity and decided I’m the only one who’s going to take care of me, and I just had my first girl’s night away this weekend since she was born. It was so needed. Just go into survival mode for now. Your house won’t be spotless, your husband may be irritated, but if he doesn’t want to give you a break he can suffer too. Or get a babysitter to watch your son while your husband is home so you can have a night out to yourself. Maybe that will drive home the point of how useless he’s being. Solidarity. You are definitely not alone.

Post # 32
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee

Your husband is a dick, to be blunt. He’s jealous of his own child because you’re not giving him as much attention and sex anymore, “is never down to watch him for very long” watch him??! It’s his child FFS he’s not a babysitter, he’s the father. He goes out with friends every single week when you have a three month old, sometimes twice a week, but you can’t even go to the grocery store for too long before he’s hassling and guilting you into coming home, because “watching” his own baby is just too hard for him. 

Why does he get the luxury of going out with his friends having fun every week late into the night, sometimes twice a week, and you can’t even go to the grocery store alone for too long without him complaining? 

He sounds immature, lazy and selfish. I can’t believe he has only been this way since you had a baby? If I was in your position I would have a serious conversation with him ASAP about what is appropriate behaviour from a new father and partner, and if he didn’t massively up his game and pull his weight either he’s leaving or me and the baby are. He’s not acting like a partner, he’s acting like a spoilt jealous kid. 

Post # 33
Member
8099 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Kslim13 :  is it common? Yes. Must it be this way? Absolutely not! I struggled with the same issue for a long time and I didn’t feel like I could figure out how to get out of the rut especially since I was breastfeeding. Now that my daughter is almost 2 and weaned I’ve started reclaiming my time and it’s huge. I don’t ask for time – I consult our shared calandar and say “I’m doing ladies night on Friday so figure dinner out yourself and keep the kid alive”. My husband is supportive of this in theory so he steps up when I make him – the issue is that he has so much scheduled for himself I feel like my non-parent life is an afterthought sometimes.

As for the sex, he’s an idiot. I don’t have help there though because mine is too lol. He’s left me for a weekend of solo-mom duty and come back wanting sex and I just straight up laughed in his face and went to sleep. 

Post # 34
Member
1389 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Adjusting to having a newborn is hard work even with a supportive spouse. Which, sorry, your husband is not. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling while he still has the luxury of going out twice a week while I’m sure you may struggle to just take a long shower every other day? 

My husband was hands on from day one, changing diapers, cleaning bottles, and night feedings so I can sleep a 4 hour stretch. I was chronically exhausted even with all that help! You need to have a serious talk with your husband about being a team. And yes, it gets better with time as baby gets older but it was ALL about our little one because we are on the same page about making sure he’s well taken care of. 

If it’s too hot to go on walks outside, compromise and stroll around at the mall at the very least. Find a mom’s group for some support and advise from others near by who are going through the stage in life. Good luck Bee, it does get better. Age 2-5 yrs is so so fun and  rewarding. I’m trying to enjoy and remember every moment of it!!!

Post # 35
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your husband sounds like a selfish ass.

That being said, I will say that one of the worst fights my husband and I have had had to do with the issue of our sex lives after our baby was born, and I suspect this is an issue a lot of couples grapple with. I was around five months postpartum when my husband had the audacity to complain that we werent’ having as much sex as he’d like. We were doing it like once a week at that point, which is below our pre-baby norm, but was way more frequent than I actually need/desired it, so I felt like we were doing pretty well. I flipped a complete shit on him and basically just told him that I am stretched thin here with EVERYONE in the house needing my body…baby needing it for nourishment 100x per day, now husband being needy about sex…but what about what I effing need? Didn’t seem like he was stopping to think too much about that! My body had bene through SO much with pregnancy and birth, and was still going through a lot with breastfeeding, but yeah why don’t you pile on even further by complaining to me that I’m not giving you enough sex. Like effing seriously dude? How bout you STFU and bring me a glass of water without me having to ask you repeatedly for it while I nurse our baby for the 94th time today, thanks.

Anywayyyyyyyyy……..sorry for the rant lol but you basically need to start demanding a lot more for yourself. Stop putting up with this bullshit.

Post # 36
Member
8099 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

tiffanybruiser :  I’m in awe of your weekly sex at 5 months post partum. We tried once at 4 months (it was awful) and then not again until 9 months PP lol. Your husband has no idea how little most guys are getting sex after baby ESPECIALLY if mom breastfeeds. Being touched out is a real thing! 

Post # 37
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

LilliV :  Yeppp this is what I told him. Since that convo it has definitely dropped off even further because I was so annoyed…maybe once every other week or so now is the norm, which suits me better. 

Post # 38
Member
9504 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeahhhh this is a husband problem, not so much a new mom problem.

Sorry but going out twice a week is a luxury most people don’t get with an infant. That’s life. Bringing a new person into the world is stressful.

I would have a serious come to Jesus talk.

Post # 40
Member
8099 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Kslim13 :  what the shit? that’s not cool.”I’ll try” to get back in time for you to GO TO WORK? Nope. I would have loaded the kid in the car myself. What happens if he’s not back in time? 

Post # 41
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Kslim13 :  

Oh, no.  This is bad, Bee.

Do you have alternative arrangements for baby care so you can get to work if he doesn’t bother to get home on time?

Do you have any sense of how your husband tends to the baby when he and the baby are home alone without you?

 

 

Post # 42
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

I rolled my eyes when your husband complains that he has to “watch” his child.  Sorry, a dad is not a babysitter or some random relative watching a child – he is a PARENT!  This arrangement sounds completely unequal – you going to the grocery store is alone time yet your husband goes out at night to hang out with friends?  You are expected to run errands with the baby while he gets to do them by himself?  Uh yeah, no.  This is the time to be setting the precedent and expectations for how things will be going forward.  It is not sustainable for you to continue like you have been without any free time to yourself. 

Post # 43
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee

This makes me so cross. These fathers that feel that they are “owed” for looking after their own children. Like their parent time is bankable and to be used as currency. You are a family. Two parents looking after their own child. He sounds selfish and inconsiderate. He is choosing not to see things from your perspective because he doesn’t want to give up his fun/ free time. The word babysitting shouldn’t even arise when it is your own child. 

Sit him down when you are both calm and if need be, write out a list of tasks that need to be shared and set a schedule to work out your ” me time” and his. Who takes the baby and when. Doesn’t matter if you are home and he is going out. If it is your me time then he takes the baby with him. You sure don’t want this to become a pattern if you decide to have more children.

Post # 44
Member
9504 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh bee I would have lost my shit a looong time ago.

If he won’t listen to you during fights, perhaps a counselor is in order. This isn’t fair to you.

What did you say when he said he would “try” to be back in time? I would have buckled the baby into the car and wished him well while I got into the shower. Sorry not sorry.

Post # 45
Member
670 posts
Busy bee

Your husband needs to re-consider his priorities and understand the consequences of not making them you and the baby. His continued behaviour seems to be to driving you two apart, and eventually this may result in him getting to do his 50% all on his own – I feel like dads who exhibit these behaviours fail to see this reality. I visited a friend of mine when my baby was two months old, her son was with his dad. She explained that she had her son 4 days a week and he had him for three. So every week she got three restful nights of sleep and three days to herself to do whatever she wants. While I know this isn’t ideal (because let’s be honest most of us had children to be a family) it’s the reality of a relationship not working early on. Her story always reminds me that there’s an alternative to not doing your fair share in the relationship and it encouraged me to talk about tasks and priorities with my husband. Try not to get too caught up in what’s “normal” because there really isn’t a “normal.” There is a “this works” or “this doesn’t work.” The pp’s suggestion above on a chore chart is something to try. The last time Darling Husband and I had it out, we resolved to a chore chart (it’s more mental than written at this point) and it’s worked out great. 

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