losing myself in becoming a new parent…

posted 4 weeks ago in Parenting
Post # 46
Member
7184 posts
Busy Beekeeper

desiderata :  Doesn’t matter if you are home and he is going out. If it is your me time then he takes the baby with him.

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! My husband likes to take his “me” time mostly out of the home – he plays sports, has board game days with buddies, etc. I actually just want some quiet time in my own damn house to read or work on hobbies but he sees it as “well Lilli is home so she can help”. I refuse to have to leave my own house for some alone time (I can’t really bring my sewing machine to a coffee shop afterall!) and he’s finally figured that out.  One thing that helps is I kick them out. He’ll take her for a walk or to the playground so I can get my alone time the way I want it. Going to the grocery store does NOT count as “me time”. If he feels that way he can start doing the grocery shopping as his alone time! 

Post # 47
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

The way you’re feeling is totally normal. The way your husband is acting is NOT. Like not at all. Not any of it. Going out with his friends shouldn’t be his life anymore. Family should be his life. And not being able to handle taking baby places with him? That’s his kid, not some random thing. He needs to get his shit together ASAP. 

Post # 48
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

LilliV :   tiffanybruiser :  Oh boy, breastfeeding just makes sex weird for me! So yeah, with our first we barely did it until my first was a year old. 

With the second, 3.5 months post partum, we haven’t even attempted it. My husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said ‘six hours of sleep.’ Baby isn’t remotely there yet. So yeah, sex is pretty low down on my list of priorities. 

Post # 49
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

Kslim13 :  That’s not good! You could actually lose your job, does he see how irresponsible he’s being?? How exactly does he think you’re benefiting from this partnership???

But as far as competing over who did what, and who did more? Oh, that’s my husband and I. We each thought we did more, and would take to actually listing everything we did. Accounted for how we were spending our time down to the chore, down to the minute. It was childish as hell, but yknow what, it actually worked. Kinda. 

Post # 51
Member
7184 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Kslim13 :  I know it’s bad to keep score in relationships BUT this is one area where I totally do. You both work full time out of the house and you both are a parent to this child. If he gets 1-2 designated days per week out then so should you! My husband sees how much happier/nicer I am when I get my adult time and so he is helping make it happen. Admittedly I didn’t force the issue while I was breastfeeding because it was a hassle for me. But she’s off the boob and momma has her body to herself again!  I recently bought a 10 pack of workout classes and started last week – Saturday morning are now my standing momma time. Take the kid to the park, let her watch Daniel Tiger for the hour I’m gone, I don’t care. Just handle it without me. I’m also going out with my girlfriends once a month again and it’s good for the soul.

If you each have 1 day a week for your separate adult time to me that’s perfect to (1) get a break (2) keep up with your social life (3) have some one-on-one time with the kid for the night your spouse is out and (4) still have 5 days left over for family time. 

Post # 52
Member
7828 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Kslim13 :  You are worrying an awful lot about his happiness but I don’t see him doing the same for you. That’s the core problem you guys have. I think it’s time for a come to Jesus chat. 

ETA: Levinso’s comment after mine is spot on. Please take it to heart, esp the part about talking to your doctor!

Post # 53
Member
6652 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Kslim13 :  “I have no down time between work, baby and making sure husband is happy.”

OP, this shit is getting ridiculous. I think you need to talk to your doctor because I am seriously getting concerned for you. Please take my advice. I also suffered from post partum depression and it is no joke.

ALSO: take this part I bolded out of your to-do list! Grab your fucking husband’s hand right now and bring him to the computer and have him sit down and read this fucking thread RIGHT NOW and see what sort of bullshit he’s putting you through! This shit ends now! His social life ends now. He needs to start concerning himself with how you’re handling things. You need a break. You need to be the priority right now. Fuck his friends! 

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