Losing Our Son to Future DIL and Her Family

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4477 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry about the rift in your family right now, and all you’re going through.  

 

Unfortunately, what’s happening isn’t Evie’s fault – it’s your son’s.  Evie sounds like a nightmare, but he’s choosing to abide by her rules.  You did the right thing by expressing your concerns, and if you want to let him know the whole stunt regarding his birthday was BS, go ahead.  But in the end, you can’t force Sam to dump Evie.  All you can do is be supportive of him and civil to Evie.  If he does things that hurt you, you can calmly let him know, at least for your sake.  Ultimately he’s a big boy, though, and has to make his own decisions, even if they’re bad.

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh man.  This is a tough situation.  I don’t have kids, so I can’t imagine how you feel.  I would say to continue to support your son.  Try to continue to set up times to meet and include him and his FI/SO in your plans.  I don’t know that there is much else you can do.  I would suggest also continuing to express your concerns without telling him what to do.  Not all the time, just when it’s appropriate.  Always make sure he knows that you love and support him and want to he happy.  It’s his life, and he’s an adult, so he can make his own decisions.  He’ll figure it out on his own.

Post # 5
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh wow. I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your son and his girlfriend! I honestly don’t know what you can do, other than researching how to help a friend/family member in an abusive relationship.

I know that the mother of the groom often tends to feel that her son is being ‘stolen’ from her and, initially, that’s what I thought your post was about (it’s as issue for lots of brides on here!), but from what you’ve said, it sounds as though this relationship goes beyond what is normal for a couple starting a new family independent of their parents.

Would you feel comfortable talking with him about this? Letting him know that you are feeling shut out, etc. Try not to make it about Evie, but about you and your son instead. For example, rather than saying “Evie is taking over your life and changing you as a person” try “I feel like you’ve become more distant and I’m sorry that Evie’s family were offended that I wanted to spend your birthday with just you, but I felt that I don’t get much mother-son time with you.”

Post # 6
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

This is a circumstance where there are two sides to a story. While I sympathize with you and how you feel a loss, your son is not being “stolen” from you whatsoever.

Sam is a grown individual, and he makes choices daily about what he does, and with whom he spends his time. Please do not project HIS choices onto a third party, because that would be misdirected. 

Sure, you may be correct to think that there may be a better suited partner for him, however that isn’t your decision to make. The only thing you can do is try to foster a better relationship with him. Is there a reason why he’s spending less time with you? Is there any possibility whatsoever that his girlfriend’s feelings are in some way valid on occasion? If your instinct is to laugh at her, that’s a problem. Your son loves this girl, and she’s obviously important to him. If you exclude someone he spends his life with on a daily basis, that may not only be an issue with her, but also for HIM as well. He may not be equipped well enough to deliver that message clearly enough for you to understand it if he is as shy as you say. Talk to him about that, and how HE feels about your family’s dynamic. 

The only thing you can change is your own behavior. You cannot expect to change his girlfriend, nor can you continue believing that she has changed him, or has him in her “clutches.” A grown man does not do what he doesn’t want to do. Perhaps he has a few benchmarks to meet before parting company with her. Whatever his standards are, those are for him to decide. Just continue to love him regardless.

Post # 7
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If this girl IS being super possessive over him and IS trying keeping him away from your family, it really isn’t entirely her fault that it is all happening! I’m sorry to say this but it is your son’s fault too for allowing her to do all of that. Your son needs to realize this all on his own. IMO, you guys should keep being there for him and no matter what keep trying to spend time with him. But you shouldn’t criticize his SO because that will push him away. If this girl is as bad as she sounds, then your son will realize it sooner or later.

Post # 8
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This all feels quite dramatic to me.

I understand many MOGs feel this way when their sons fall in love, but he’s a human adult thus not able to be stolen from you.

She may be demanding but in just reading the way you’ve described the scenario I’m inclined to think there’s more going on the relationships here.

 

ETA-Jules said it better than I have of course didn’t mention the dramatics which I still stand by.

Post # 9
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@axeyourmakeupkit:  he’s a human adult thus not able to be stolen from you.

Couldn’t agree more!

Post # 11
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i agree with PPs that Sam is an adult, and allows her to do what she does.

 

I am confused as per your last post, earlier you said Evie was the one who kept him from his family, but now you’re saying you are allowing your visits to be far apart, which is it?

 

ETA: and if she is really that terrible, he will realise it eventually

Post # 12
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Trulydear:  I’m am so very sorry for I can see that your heart is breaking.. so even though it may not really help…here’s a BEE HUG for you!

Unfortunately… I don’t think there is much you can really do here. I think whatever you tell him may end up with Evie and her family… At the moment I think you may end up pushing him farther away.

He still sounds quite young…and I think he needs to experience it on his own and realize what’s going on. A time to mature… If you speak to him about Evie… he will be too busy defending her to really think about his situation and how Evie is influencing his life. I think you will have to let it ‘play out’…

IF and when he does end it… just be there for him. Until then try to trust in him and support him. I don’t think you need to be PRO Evie…but not anti-Evie towards your son. 

Will keep you in my prayers. 🙂 XO

Post # 13
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

In addition to what other posters have said about your son being an adult and making his own decisions….

When he complained to his brother about Evie, it sounds to me like guy talk/ brother venting to brother. By rushing in and assuming the worst, he might see that as a bit overbearing. Since you’ve had issues in the past with him feeling controlled by you, he might be viewing your reactions to Evie in this way ( as unnecessary and controlling ).

Since you live so far apart, I’m wondering if you don’t see all the good things about their relationship. He obviously loves her and her family and chooses to stay with her. 

The “pain you see in his eyes” might be more directed at you since you’ve made it clear that you have reservations about Evie. He knows that its a sore subject with you and dreads the conflict it brings up.

When you go out to visit them, do you stay with them? Maybe Evie feels left out of the planning and if they live together, she would want to be included?

Post # 14
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It sounds like this is more your issues coming up than his/Evie’s.

Regardless of what you did or not do for him in the past, you need to let it go. I don’t think you did what you did hoping for a pat on the back, right? You did it because it had to be done and you are his mother. I think you need to just step back from the whole thing and let him live his life, make mistakes, and do as he wishes. He’s not a child anymore, and if he chooses to be with this woman, regardless of how you see her, it’s his decision.

She may seem controlling or overbearing to you, but did you ever think that Sam does better and actually likes their relationship dynamic? Perhaps he likes the structure and boundaries she sets. To each his own, and that’s not for you to judge.

Post # 15
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

@Trulydear:  You’ve done your best for him,tho he may not now or ever recognize it. Many families go through something similar (I was one of them), but the good news for me was that with time came the maturity mine needed to understand and accept how things were and how every person in the family filled a role in all of it. It’s hard not to beat yourself up over it,tho.

I suppose now all you can do is make him know you will always be on his side and will accept his choices. Keep in contact with him and let him know you will always be his soft place to fall.

My heart goes out to you…

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