Losing patience

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

Why hasn’t it gone further than that?  You need to talk to him and find out exactly why he hasn’t proposed.  

Is he otherwise a good partner, good father?

Post # 4
Member
9896 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You could propose to him.

But I think it’s important to figure out why he won’t talk about marriage. Demand a conversion about it. If he changes the subject, change it back. If he says “I don’t know” tell him that’s not good enough. And let him know that it’s starting to build resentment. 

Post # 5
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Tell him what you’ve said here. That marriage is important to you and it is making you resentful that he hasn’t proposed yet especially since you have kids together and have lived together for 4 years. Then insist to hear his side of the issue. 

What you do after that will depend on what he says. Maybe he isn’t interested in marriage and you’ll have to figure out if you’re willing to stay despite that. 

Post # 6
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

honeybee3489 :  he probably thinks 2 kids are the commitment of proof and no need for marriage.

Post # 7
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

I hate to sound old but…. Why should he marry you? He has all the advantages ands none of the responsibilities.

Post # 8
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

monkey89 :   merrymargaret :  I know right. But I’m sooo sick of men thinking that because they got everything they want without having to make it happen that they are all good and set and what their partners want doesn’t matter because ya know the men are happy and that’s always that matters apparently??? 🙄 Sheesh, it pisses me off so much more when they have kids yet still can’t manage to pull their big boy pants up and take into consideration what their partner wants for 5 seconds. It’s disgusting. 

OP, he’s an adult with kids and responsibilities he needs to man up and be honest. I say have a firm word with him and insist that he explain what his hang ups are about marriage. Tell him that after all you have done for him (carry and birth his 2 children!!) you at least deserve the respect of knowing where his head is at. If he truly honestly can’t give you a reason and just says ‘I don’t know’ I wouldn’t even bother with anything else. I would pack you bags and leave.

You are worth too damn much to be receiving this type of ambivalence. He needs to figure out if he wants to marry you and get it done with or he needs to set you free so you can find a man who recognises your worth.

And I wouldn’t for one second encourage you to stay just because you have kids (as I know some bees do on other waiting boards). I myself came from a relationship where we had a child and were not married and I can tell you that if marriage is something you truly want and they aren’t willing to give it to you, the resentment will build up to such a toxic level where it is better for you two to be apart than together.

Post # 9
Member
30 posts
Newbee

Im in the same situation. Coming on 5yrs, one baby and still no proposal. Im 30, he’s 36. For us it’s a financial reason and he just got a big promotion but we need to pay off debt first. I get it though, it’s frustrating. I have expressed my concerns and my SO’s always reassured me he wants marriage too but wants to do it ‘right’ by getting me a ring. I told him I don’t need one, we could do a courthouse ceremony and I’d be over the moon, but he is adamant about getting me a ring and the whole 9 yards. I’ve even offered to propose to him but he’s declined and honestly I’m glad (personally I refuse to get down on one knee to beg for his last name when he should be down on one knee offering it especially after I gave birth to our child who automatically got his last name).

I don’t see why your SO can’t be open about his views on marriage. I think he owes you that. Although I’m not one to give advice while Im in the same situation I’d tell you to try talking to him again. Explain what it means to you, it doesn’t have to be big or flashy, maybe he’s hung up on the idea of how much it will cost? Hoping you get a proposal soon! 

Post # 10
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

honeybee3489 :  You are not alone. I am going through the same thing. I’ve been with my SO for a decade + 1 month. Eh, who’s counting?! 

It’s hard to be patient, I know. Hang in there, Bee.

Post # 12
Member
985 posts
Busy bee

Did you both agree to have children before you were married (nothing wrong with that!)? As PP pointed out, he may not see a need to rush since you guys have a non-traditional relationship. You say he knows it’s important but maybe he doesn’t know the extent. You definitely need to sit him down and say it’s important for you to start talking about marriage more seriously and get married in the near future.

Post # 13
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

honeybee3489 :  How exactly is he a great partner when your communication sucks so badly you can’t even get a straight answer or have an honest conversation about something very important to you?

He may have some good qualities, but at the end of the day he’s not caring about your feelings or what matters to you, to the point of not even being willing to be honest with you about his plans for the future or to hear you out about yours. That’s just two people co-parenting and living together comfortably, not a partner who is there for you on a deeper level. (And by ‘deeper level’ I don’t mean a ring or even marriage- I mean two people who talk to each other about anything and everything under the sun and place more value on their partner’s happiness and hopes and goals etc). Don’t you deserve that Bee? I’m not saying ‘leave him’, but at the very least expect more from him- and that begins with him not shutting you down when you attempt to speak about something.

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