Post # 1
So heres the current situation. We’ve been ring shopping, he says he has the ring but is waiting for the perfect time to pop the question, so I’m trying to be patient in waiting.
Over the weekend I went shopping for a dress for a friends wedding coming up at the end of the month. The size I thought I was, I’m not anymore. 🙁 I’m very hard on myself when it comes to my body. I try not to be, but I know I complain about it to the SO a little more than I should. Needless to say I left the store in tears….. the sales associate must have thought I was crazy. I got home and was still obviously very upset. The SO sat me down as he always does when I’m crying or upset to figure out whats wrong.
He’s amazing when I’m upset and always finds the right words to say, but tonight was a bit of a shock to the system. He told me that maybe he wouldn’t propose until I lost a bit of weight. He said that he loves me and hates seeing me in so much pain, but that maybe knowing I would get the ring when I lose weight would be the motivation that I need. I know him. He loves me and my body, but I think my body issues are starting to really get to him and he hopes this will be enough motivation to finally lose the 30lbs that I need to. He means no ill-will, he has always told me that he loves me and my body, he just gets frustrated with my constant complaining. He then said if I lost the weight for the engagement I more than likely wont put it back on because of the future wedding. He told me that if I don’t want to lose the weight then he will go back to his original timeline for the ring, but he wants me to give this some thought as he thinks I could be really succesful this time for weight loss since it’s something I really want. I know motivation is key with losing weight, but now I feel like there’s alot of pressure too. Maybe I should just ask him to go back to his original game plan. I know my SO means best, he’s not trying to be mean at all, he’s trying to motivate me to see me happier.
Any Bees been in a similar situation? Or any bees that dealt with body issues? How did you overcome it?
Post # 3
@Future_Ms.Bostonceltics: I know exactly how you feel. I have put on 40 pounds over the last 7 years, and it just made me ill every time I went up another size. Now, 25 of that is baby weight from 3 years ago that I just haven’t worked to lose, but still. It’s a shock to the system when you look in the mirror or walk into a store expecting to see yourself the way you think you are and then getting a sudden slap in the face from reality.
I actually (jokingly) told SO that I don’t want him to propose until I lose the weight. Now, when I say to him, “When are you proposing at me?!” he’ll sometimes counter with “You haven’t dropped any of that weight you wanted to lose for the engagement yet!” I know he’s kidding (my proposal is coming before May, for sure) but still, it irks me sometimes because he knows my weight is a sore spot for me and yet he makes those jokes anyway.
If you think it will be the motivation you need, I say go for it! Everybody needs a push now and then, and while this may be unconventional, if it works, who’s to argue? Personally, though, it isn’t working for me. I’m as lazy as ever, heh.
Post # 4
I know you want motivation, but if my SO said that to me, I’d punch him.
Post # 5
It sounds like he has good intentions, but. IMO the proposal should be an expression of his commitment to you and nothing else. It shouldn’t be used as a reward for losing weight. That is a totally separate issue unrelated to your commitment to each other and I wouldn’t want a reminder of it every time I looked down at my hand.
Post # 6
@Over the Moon: Your post put a new perspective on the whole thing, so thank you. I know he means well, but your right. I don’t want the ring to symbolize something different than his love for me. I’m going to ask him to go back to his original timeline.
Thanks Bees 🙂
Post # 7
My NYR is to lose 50 lbs this year (about 1 lb a week..yay for logical and doable!), and SO and I are going to get engaged sometime this year. I know he knows that I don’t like my body right now, but at the same time he knows that once he pops the question, I will be the happiest woman in the world. Just let him stick to his original timeline, BUT …in the meantime it can’t hurt to get your butt in gear.
Rather than make it “You get the ring when you lose 30 lbs”, make it just between you and yourself, like a game. “How much weight/dress sizes can I drop before he proposes??” And, since you have no idea when he might do it…it will keep you motivated to not cheat on the weekends, because, for all you know, you’ve only got X amount of time left and can’t afford to cheat!
Post # 8
@pharmy: Great advice!!! Thank you!!! I think it could work.
Post # 9
I agree with previous poster. If my fiancee ever said that to me I would have hit him. This past year I quit smoking and I gained about 10 lbs. Did that stop him from asking me to marry him? No. I think that is a cop out. No one should put conditions on how or when someone is to propose. Either he wants to or doesn’t. He should not make you feel bad about gaining weight. You can always lose it, with or without him.
Post # 10
I think I explained it pretty clearly in my OP that this is NOT a condition. My SO meant no harm in his comments. I’ve already spoken to him and asked he go back to his original timeline which he said he would. I think men at times think their being helpful, but they never really mean to be hurtful. I know my SO just wants me to be happy. Once I explained it to him from my perspective, he realized it wasn’t right. People can’t read minds. Men and woman are very different in their reasoning. I can see where his thought process was, but now he can see why it doesn’t work.
Thanks for your feedback ladies!!!
Post # 11
This is my first post yay!!! ive been stalking this site for quite some time though. I just want to say that i know how you feel. My bf and I will most likely be getting engaged in the next year or so and as of New Years ive made a pact with myself to lose about 50 lbs. Even though Im doing it for me he is constantly ecouraging me with all the love in the world, but he does remind me that I should try to be healthier and just because some people may view that as negative doesnt mean it is. Im glad he reminds me so I dont wind up really really overweight. one of my bestfriends has literally the same life as me and will be getting engaged soon as well and we’re both starting insanity next week and ive read pretty much only good things about it. good luck 🙂
Post # 12
I have serious body issues. I hate talking about them to my SO, I genuinely think he’s bloody nuts for even thinking I’m attractive. I don’t look anything like the other girls he used to like in his area, but he says there was no-one who looked like me in his area.
I honestly don’t think I will ever consider myself TRULY attractive to be honest. I don’t think I’ll ever get over my self-esteem issues. But that’s just me. I’m planning on losing more weight ASAP when I get back to uni, so hopefully that might make things better.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, self esteem issues are crap.
Post # 13
From one incredibly critical bee to another let me say that I agree with the PP, your weight loss and engagement should always remain seperate. During your lowest days you do not want there to be any possible correlation between his love/committment to you and your weight loss and insecurities.
I applaud your desire to lose weight and I hope that with a pending wedding that will be enough. Best of luck and just keep reminding yourself that he wants to marry you as you are now. 🙂
Post # 14
@Future_Ms.Bostonceltics: I agree with the ladies that the engagement and weight loss should be separate. The weight loss is about you; the engagement is about you and him and spending the rest of your lives together. I have serious body issues also, especially after having a C-section 4 years ago (and others telling me, “your body is never the same after a baby.” Gee thanks.) With all of my weight losses in the past, there has been one constant theme-motivation. Your fiancee tried to do that (bless his heart), but the motivation has to come from YOU. Some examples I have used as motivation are events (vacations, summertime, reunions) or an outfit I want to fit in to (Hello! Mermaid Wedding Dress!) Once you find the internal motivation, that will carry you when it gets hard (and it will). Hope this helps!
Post # 15
Thank you ladies, truly and deeply!!! I was having one of those days and just seeing your kind words of encouragement really put a smile on my face. Funny how a stranger can brighten your day huh? 🙂
For a little update, SO said he can see the connection and will go back to his original timeline. He wants the ring to signify nothing but his love for me. He’s been so wonderful lately, and the support from him really makes me want to marry him even more.