(Closed) Lost 2 bridal party members on Monday… And couldn't be happier. (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Good on you.  Glad your feeling better now!

Post # 3
Member
997 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Sucks that you had to find out this way, but I guess weddings have a way of making people show their worst sides. I think it’s that often we don’t have any reason to ask anything of our friends, and the moment you do ask them to take some responsibility or do something that’s inconvenient, you find out what they are actually willing to do for you.

Glad you can see how this is a good thing – and that you can appreciate the friends you have that much more now.

Post # 4
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Wow, that is quite a story.  I agree that you tried to be accomodating.  I don’t have the same type of story but I do feel like I tried to be accomodating and instead was judged and told what I “had to” do.  I work hard for my money, planned a beautiful event, and I’m supposed to do everything for others?  Um, when does it become just a teeny bit MY day?  I never thought it was all about me, but to feel like it was all about others was a horrible feeling.

Post # 5
Member
14159 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I won’t defend your friends behavior, but I  think your story illustrates that no matter how generous you think you are being, it’s always problematic to assume that other people are going to feel happy  to take your idea of their vacation. 

Thinking it was “OK” to pick the place or plan all activities was IMO the  mistake on your end. As your story illustrates, there were still times over the course of the weekend when people had to tell you they couldn’t afford to participate, or were expected to spend money on tickets to events. All this from people who aren’t even working full time. Incidentals you probably take for granted probably started to add up for them, too. 

Bachelorette parties aren’t officially sanctioned wedding events, which means there is no recognized protocol, but an event where you are the guest of honor is generally supposed to be hosted and organized by friends. However, especially if others are expected to contribute, you need to do it with everyone’s input. 

No matter how generous you feel you were being, I’m sure the costs were probably more than some of them imagined or could afford. It also sounds as if the club and party “scene” is something that several of your friends do not enjoy. 

But you’re right that once they agreed to come, some of the behavior was rude and handled poorly and disrespectfully. For their part, the unhappy friends should have been able to forsee most of this coming. If they had any doubts they should have brought them up ahead of time or stayed home. 

Post # 6
Member
5775 posts
Bee Keeper

I think part of a generalized problem is that bachelorette parties have become so extravagant that it’s difficult for others to come up with the money- or the time away from work/ family & other commitments. I agree with what weddingmaven says above that, even if major costs are generously paid for by others, even incidentals can quickly add up beyond someone else’s tighter budget. HOWEVER, if you decide to go you should not be sulky, pouty, or ignore the bride-to-be. It’s a shame that lengthy friendships ended over this.

p.s. curious bit in all that – OP, why was one of the women contacting your vendors behind your back? that seems like a very odd thing to do.

Post # 8
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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liameowchelle:  Oof. It’s rough that you had to find out how blase your BMS were this way, and this expensively, but your Maid/Matron of Honor sounds awesome! I’d love to have a Maid/Matron of Honor like that!

Post # 9
Member
34 posts
Newbee

WOW. I cannot even imagine how upsetting that situation must have been!! I am glad that you deciede to take the negativity out of your wedding party! It is also always good to have kind and supportive friends by your side! πŸ™‚ Your story has made me think twice on planning a out-of-state party for with my girls. If I spent all the time, energy and money only for everyone to be miserable I’d be totally upset.. I hope your wedding turns out to be beautiful and stressfree! 

Post # 10
Member
5775 posts
Bee Keeper

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liameowchelle:  Wow, as someone who co-ordinates weddings she should know a little bit about etiquette- there’s a huge difference between helpful and pushy.

Post # 11
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

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liameowchelle:  SO glad you got rid of that negativity. It definitely sounds like they took advantage of you and were just not very nice in general. Good riddance! 

Fwiw, I completely disagree with weddingmaven. If they were unhappy with your plans or couldn’t afford it and the Maid/Matron of Honor gave them all of the plans ahead of time, it is THEIR responsibility to let you know. It is not your responsibility to guess or make assumptions. You already went way out of your way…flew to the west coast to meet up with them, paid for tons of stuff, arranged guest lists, etc. That was a celebration for *you* and if they couldn’t suck it up and pretend to enjoy clubbing and partying with you, then they shouldn’t have agreed to go. Plus they mooched off you for a hotel room and seemed to hope you would change the already-made plans to make them happy because “it’s not their scene.” They had plenty of time to back out but instead they went, had a bad attitude, got you to pay for more stuff, and then left early and refused to pay you back for anything. That’s inexcusable. And as far as the bridesman, coming into town and rejecting the free guest list and then telling you he’s “tired” but then going out partying on his own? That has absolutely nothing to do with money and sounds like he just wanted you to pay for the hotel so he could go do his own thing. These two people are awful. I’m mad for you! haha. I’m SO glad you got rid of them and don’t feel sad about it anymore. 

Have a wonderful wedding! Congrats!

Post # 12
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

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liameowchelle:  Let your venue know so they can watch for your Bridesmaid or Best Man. Sounds like she is very vindictive if she has contacted your vendors. Make sure they know to look out for her. Sorry this has happend. Sounds exactly like my cousins Bachelorette party.  Some people like to make things about themselves. 

Post # 13
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

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liameowchelle:  Gosh! You’re a friend I would LOVE to have! Not only are you very giving and cared for your party (rather than your party caring for you – minus the three who did what they could to help you), but you seem to be so positive about the situation. You didn’t badmouth anybody and you made responsible choices on your future.

Impressive and positive! Congrats on a healthy future πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree with dogwood09 100%! At least you were able to see them for their true colors before the actual wedding…now you won’t have to look back at your wedding photos and see their faces every single time πŸ˜‰

Post # 15
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m so glad that this turned out nicely for you in the end because now you would not have to deal with them on your wedding day! I wish I had the courage to do that when I had those problems with my bridal party! I disagree on it being “wrong” for you to help with the bachelorette party. I had to do almost everything for my bachelorette party because Maid/Matron of Honor REFUSED to do any planning for it. I had to contact the other BMs and my sisters two days and the day before to plan anything. Maid/Matron of Honor even suggested we leave for my bachelorette party 45 minutes before when the place we were going was an HOUR away! And she was texting me this the night before when all the other BMs hadn’t been able to reach her and I had to search for her. Turns out I also ended up paying for everything for everyone because Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t discuss things with BMs and my sisters actually came through for everyone pretty much once we arrived. But I had to do all the work to make it happen. and for them it cost like $50 TOPS. probably not even close to that!

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