- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF
I’m sure that sounds strange coming from someone whose wedding is in 10 days but after a lot of reflection, I think it’s actually true. I’m not really looking for advice so much as a place to get a lot off my chest. Sorry in advance but it’s going to be long.
I guess a good place to start this story would be to describe how much I loved my bridal party. Seriously, from the second that I asked those 5 girls (and my 1 bridesman), I did my very best to avoid any ‘zilla moments. If, during the wedding planning process, I ever wanted something that would’ve been too financially demanding on them, I always offered to pay for it – or at least a significant portion of it. As thanks for standing with me, I bought them all Tiffany’s necklaces (and a watch for my bridesman), which I was beyond excited to give them at the rehearsal dinner.
When my Maid/Matron of Honor asked me what I wanted to do for my bachelorette, I asked if we could all go to Vegas. When I came back from living in the UK, I moved to my mom’s place in the South and since I knew that I’d be the one traveling to them (they all live in CA), I kind of figured that I had some leeway in picking the destination. After going through some old messages, I can honestly say that all my BMs responded with complete enthusiasm when my Maid/Matron of Honor approached them about it, as did a girl/guest who I’d been friends with since college. Since most of my BMs aren’t in full-time employment, my Fiance and I helped my Maid/Matron of Honor cover some of the cost of the hotel to reduce the rates for everyone else and bought girls tickets for the club events that I wanted to go to. We spent a lot but I wanted the weekend to be fun for them and for money to not be what held them back from doing stuff. I even told my bridesman, R, and several of the BMs that I’d temporarily cover their shares of the suite until they got paid at the end of the month just so they could come along (which was dumb because R told me the Tuesday before we were supposed to go that he was only broke because he’d spent all his money going to bars for his birthday the weekend before).
Three of the girls and I arrived early in the morning on Friday and everything seemed… Alright. Only one girl (my Maid/Matron of Honor, S) seemed excited about the pool party we were at so I asked the other two girls, J and M, what was wrong. They said they couldn’t afford drinks. No problem! I turned into the freaking Drink Fairy until we left. That night, another Bridesmaid or Best Man, H, came into town, followed an hour later by R… And his friend, Q. I’d actually told him he could bring his friend because, well, he kept hinting that it’d be nice to have another guy there, plus I’d met the friend before and loved him so I thought, why not? I’d put the two boys names on a guest list so their entry to the club would be free but they said they were tired and felt like staying in. I said that was fine and went out with the girls. Bought another round of drinks at the club and then J and M immediately disappeared. For about 45 minutes. The rest of us eventually found them outside and they said they were going home. I was a little disappointed because I’d only seen them for about 20 minutes but understood everyone had traveled that day. H, S, and I were having a great time when suddenly R texted me and said that he and Q were out gay clubbing and to come join. I responded that I’d thought he’d been tired and that I felt a bit hurt he’d chosen not to come out with us FOR FREE if he’d been planning on going out anyway. No response until 5AM when the two boys came into the suite super drunk, dragged me out of bed, and gave me a bunch of lame excuses about how they’d wanted to drink in the room before going out. I didn’t want to have a fight so I let it go.
The next day, the boys bailed on the pool party we were all meant to go to because they hadn’t bought tickets. J and M both stood off to the side by themselves while H, S, and I tried to have fun, though, eventually, H had a bit too much fun and needed to go home. S asked the girls if they’d mind taking her but they didn’t want to so S left with H. Immediately after, J and M sat down and pulled out their phones. Conversation dead. I started getting upset because I KNEW they were completely miserable. I asked if they’d been having fun at all over the weekend and they both said “No” and that the events I’d picked “were boring/weren’t their scene and they’d rather be doing ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP/that I should’ve done XYZ…” I honestly started crying because a) that SUCKS to hear at your bachelorette and b) I’d really tried to make them happy. 🙁
I’d asked my Maid/Matron of Honor to send out the plans for the weekend months in advance so people could weigh-in and yet, Saturday was the first time any of them had said they had an issue with it. I asked why they hadn’t said something earlier and then left to call my Fiance, who was already furious that almost everyone had ditched me the night before. After an hour or so, I got a call from my Maid/Matron of Honor who was hysterical because J and M had driven back to CA… without saying goodbye to me. Trying not to get everyone else down, I pretended to be super excited for that evening but surprise, surprise: as soon as we started getting ready, R and Q said they hadn’t brought the right clothes to go out with us and they didn’t want to spend $60 on a ticket anyway. Maid/Matron of Honor got pissed and yelled at them because she’d given them all of the info but I just got upset again and pointed out to R that he’d actually done nothing with me at all since arriving – not even gone to dinner with us that evening. I told him that I hadn’t covered his portion of the room so he could hang out with his friend and he could leave, too, if he wanted. Luckily, another Bridesmaid or Best Man, A, arrived into town at that point and diffused the situation, though I sent R texts later that night telling him how much he’d hurt my feelings – we’d known each other 11 years but he didn’t seem interested in spending time with me at all. He said he’d make it up to me. Ended up having a great night despite the drama.
The next morning after H and S had gone home, J sent me a long apology for ruining my weekend – apparently she’d realized that leaving had been super rude/inconsiderate and that she’d understand if I uninvited her to the wedding because she’d been a terrible friend to me. I accepted her apology because that was all I wanted. On the other hand, M hadn’t reached out at all. R completely ignored the fact I was still upset with him and sat on his phone while A and I cleaned up the trashed hotel room. Found out from S that M doesn’t plan on paying me back for the two nights she’d agreed to because she “didn’t even sleep there on Saturday”, which was her choice.
On Monday, I still hadn’t heard from M so I sent her an email explaining how badly her actions over the weekend hurt my feelings and that I’d been trying very hard to be accommodating but I felt like she hadn’t been very supportive. She responded with a hyper-defensive message and refused to admit she did anything wrong – in fact, she said she didn’t tell me how she “really felt” about clubbing because she “knew” I’d respond with, “This b-tch just doesn’t want to do what I want for MY bachelorette.” I was so offended, especially because several girls my Maid/Matron of Honor had invited passed for that very reason. Hint: I hadn’t been bothered. At that point, Fiance told me that after all the ways she’d hurt me, he refused to have her at the wedding; he also pointed out that she’d been the cause of all the drama within the Bridal Party since I’d asked her – whether it was not wanting to do X or TRYING TO CONTACT OUR VENDORS BEHIND OUR BACKS or insulting our venue choice, she was always the bad apple. I realized as she continued to blame ME for everything that went wrong in Vegas and then still refused to pay for her share of the room that I didn’t want to be her friend and I really can’t stand her as a person – so, I uninvited her from the wedding entirely and told her to have a nice life.
Then, I sent R a message saying essentially the same things: that I felt taken advantage of for my money and that he didn’t seem to be interested at all in being in the bridal party (he didn’t even know when the rehearsal and ceremony were when I asked what time he’d be getting there – the wedding was 13 days away at that point!)… I suggested that he could come as a guest due to the length of our friendship but as Monday was the deadline to submit my numbers, I needed to know by 5. He didn’t respond until midnight – I’d already put him down as a no.
I spent Tuesday being really angry and hurt but then realized my remaining BMs are AMAZING and actually care about me; they all offered to pay more so I wouldn’t have to keep talking to R and M about getting back what they owe me for their shares of the room. I also realized that I’d had fun every single time that the two ex-BMs + J hadn’t been around and that had to be a sign. I feel such an intense relief that there’ll be no negativity surrounding my day and that I won’t hate my wedding pictures because R and M are in them. My FI’s just happy because I’ve stopped crying. 😛 I was so worried before I asked them not to come because ETIQUETTEZOMG but screw etiquette, seriously. I feel fantastic.
TL;DR: Two of my closest friends turned out to be self-centered, horrible, inconsiderate, money-grubbing people so I kicked them to the curb, moped a bit about it, and then realized that I wouldn’t have even cared if the door hit them on the way out. Glad to get that off my chest – can’t wait for the wedding! 😀