(Closed) Lost a friend because she's not in the bridal party

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ambi- that’s a really good point about leaving her out to avoid stress and now there’s the stress of two ruined friendships. 

Post # 18
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Ouch. Well, one of my best friends that I’ve known for 10 years and was a bridesmaid in my wedding isn’t including me as a bridesmaid in her desination wedding this summer – she’s only having her sister stand up with her. I absolutely 100% understand and support her decision (small Cancun destination wedding, 1 Maid/Matron of Honor and 1 best man, only about 30 guests, etc)…but I won’t lie, I was disappointed when I realized she wouldn’t be asking me to be in the wedding. So I can see where your friend is coming from, and when you add on top of that the fact that her husband is in the wedding…eesh. She’s probably feeling like crap at this point and never saw it coming. On the other hand, I can see where you’re coming from – you’re never obligated to include certain people in your wedding party.

I’d honestly just take my cues from her. If she doesn’t want to talk right now, so be it. If you’ve already reached out and she’s not reciprocating, you just have to accept it. The ball’s in her court at this point.

Post # 19
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You value her friendship so much that you leave her out of the wedding party, but include her husband.  And you were her Maid/Matron of Honor.  Yikes.  I totally understand why she wants nothing to do with you right now.  

Post # 21
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I get where you’re coming from. If you addressed it with her and it didn’t change then she may not be able or willing to change those personality traits. It’s sad that you’re losing a friend over this but it sounds as if this friendship wasn’t working well for you in the first place, which is sad since you’ve known each other for such a long time.

I have a couple of friends that are negative and I keep them at arms length and I often have to take breaks from them over long periods of time. 

You may loose her but it sounds as if that may not be a bad thing, doesn’t mean it’s not painful. 

I wish you the best in trying to resolve this. 

Post # 22
Member
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel you. I can see why she’s upset, I would be too in her shoes, but you guys just aren’t really that compatible anymore. It sucks when stuff like this happens, but you shouldn’t have to feel that negativity if you don’t want to. It’s sad, but it’s just time, I suspect.

Post # 23
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

That’s what I wanted in my Bridal Party: problem solvers, not just problem identifiers… and certainly not problem iniitiators.”


what is this, like a job application? I thought the bridesmaids were just supposed to be your frieinds–I don’t understand why it has to be such a complex job. If I was your friend, I would also be very upset.

Some people are just worriers, and that’s how they are. From what you’ve written, she doesn’t really sound like a bad person or someone with malicious intent, just someone who worries a lot? Are you really going to cut her out of your bridal party because of something that she can’t really help which also probably stresses her out too? You make it sound like if she’s in your bridal party, she’s going to ruin your wedding or something, which I doubt. You seem mean, selfish, and like a bad friend.

Post # 24
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Just a bit of the pot calling the kettle black? You appear to be the worrier here – so worried that you might be affected by the negativity your friend might exhibit that you can’t bring it on yourself to lovingly include this friend of 10 years in your wedding – even though you were her Maid/Matron of Honor and her husband is a groomsman in your wedding???

And now you’ve gotten what you were so worried about – stress and problems. You really didn’t foresee that happening?

Of course you have the “right” to ask whomever you wish to be in your bridal party – and you also have the “right” to treat your friend like she’s a disposable commodity. I guess it’s just hard for me to fathom the depths of self-centeredness that some brides allow themselves to sink into.

I hope you find some way to re-connect with her. When you’re a little older you’ll realize that friends are not a dime a dozen, and that it can be worth working on your own ability to rise above other people’s emotions, in order to keep your friends close.

Post # 25
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@luckystar52:  You have every right to choose who you want in your wedding. The same Bees up here criticizing you would probably do the same thing if they fear of having an unsupportive Bridesmaid or Best Man arose.

I did not ask my longest friend to be in my wedding. She was fine with it. I was not asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor is my BFF’s wedding in favor of another friend. I got over it.

I really can’t believe a lot of these Bees are angry at you.

Post # 26
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Anyone who is willing to throw away a friendship over not wearing an expensive dress, spending too much money on a bridal shower, standing in painful at an alter for over 30 minutes and all the other “fun” that goes along with being  a Bridesmaid or Best Man is not a real friend.

Being a friend is more than being a Bridesmaid or Best Man in the future; it’s supporting and understand a friend. My dear friend asked me to step down at Maid/Matron of Honor a few years ago because “i was not helping enough” even though I was working on my Master’s Thesis. Guess what? We are still friends because I forgave her!! I was not asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor to my other friend’s wedding in favor of someone else…I got over it.

Either she will or she won’t. Go ahead and plan your wedding and enjoy your day.

Post # 27
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@luckystar52:  yeah, I would admit and sadly enough it does sting a bit hearing it. You had a good reason, but for her at the receiving end it sucks to hear that she is not chosen.

some people understand, and some will take it personal. Unfortunately what done is done. Focus on the people who are still with you and enjoy your wedding. 

Post # 28
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

That’s what I wanted in my Bridal Party: problem solvers, not just problem identifiers… and certainly not problem iniitiators.  

it sounds like you want a wedding planner/coordinator.  you’d probably be better off not having a bridal party and hiring a vendor instead for problem solving/troubleshooting your wedding issues.  remember, your bridesmaids are friends, not professionals who have training in how to deal with hiccups in wedding planning.

Post # 29
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@lettuce:  +1 Bridesmaid or Best Man are suppose to be chosen who they are closest with, and not who can do a better job than the other. It is also recognition by the bride that the people chosen are best friends with the bride. 

@wahine777:  +1 it’s easy to lose a friend but hard to gain back one that’s lost 

Post # 30
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@luckystar52:  I get what you’re saying too. I get why she is upset like PPs have said, BUT she is overreacting just a teensy bit. I would be upset too if I were her, but I wouldn’t end the friendship, that’s for sure.

I have a friend who is a lot like your friend that I am still deciding whether or not I want her in the bridal party. She is also very negative and her worrying goes beyond normal worrying. My friend sometimes just has a BAD attitude and is negative as well as very pretentious at times.

I don’t think you’re being self-centered at all. I love my friend for who she REALLY is (all the negativity aside) but I can not have that negativity there in planning my wedding. And for those saying that you choose who you are “closest” to and not who will do the best job, that kind of negativity drives people apart.

Like Bebealways said, you two just aren’t compatible anymore. PPs shouldn’t be making you feel guilty for “throwing away a friendship”. Some friendships are good for a time period but aren’t meant to last forever. I don’t think that your decision is necessarily something that would end a friendship, but she chose to let it end the friendship. I could see it being more complicated had you “demoted” her or whatever, but you just didn’t make her a bridesmaid.

Post # 31
Member
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I was going to say that if she is that upset then she wasnt a real friend BUT then I saw that her husband is a groomsman. I would be very upset if I were her. I’m never petty enough for the so cial media nonsense (unfriendong, etc) though.

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