Post # 32
@bummbledbee: I agree. What do you need a problem solver for YOUR wedding for? I can understand a bm being there for you if you get stressed but it should end there. I think this is why problems with BMs exist and the reason for all the threads with Bridesmaid or Best Man issues.
Post # 33
OP I certainly understand why you made your decision and (for the most part) I support it. However, I think that your big mistake was having her husband as a Groomsmen. If it is really that important that she not be in the bridal party then I don’t think that you should have had her husband as a Groomsmen either. It would have made the situation a lot less awkward, especially as people who know that you were her Maid/Matron of Honor will look on and notice the obvious (in their eyes) snub.
And it certainly must hurt to hear that the reason she wasn’t chosen was because of a personality trait.
BUT I completely understand why you looked for certain traits in your bridal party. A bridal party can’t be infinite and when you are choosing between good friends (cousins, sisters etc) you have to narrow it down to the people who will actually help you on the day (which is what BMs are there for), not those who you need to showcase your friendship with.
I will most likely have just my sister for my bridal party. Because I know that she will help. There are other people I could have asked but frankly they will not be useful on the day. It is better for them to be a guest than for me to be annoyed with them.
I would be prepared for her husband to pull out of the wedding and I would not put up a fight about it. Really, by the sounds of it, it sounds like this relationship was fading anyway.
Post # 34
I may soon be in the same type of situation.
I have chosen to leave my oldest friend out of my wedding party for many reasons (SO has 6 sisters in the wedding and I have 3 other friends I am much closer to now in the Bridal Party instead) but mostly because when I moved from NE to the Midwest, she was unsupportive and we have had a falling out in the past about it.
I am sure she will be hurt but I plan on having a conversation with her about it prior to her knowing that she is not included from anyone else. But I am still not sure she’ll come to the wedding. I am choosing to exclude her so I have to deal with the consequences even if I believe it is an overreaction.
I think that you are in a tough situation because her husband is in your wedding. I do agree that you should decide who you want in your wedding but that unfortunately means you have to prepare for hurt feelings and the consequences of those feelings.
Post # 35
Actions and decisions always have consequences. Of course you can choose whoever you want in your party, but the natural and understandable (and foreseeable) consequence of excluding a friend of 10 years who had you as her Maid/Matron of Honor and whose husband is a Groomsmen, is that she is going to be hurt. Bridesmaids are supposed to be the bride’s best friends. Just 2 years ago she told you (and the world) that you were her best friend and the most important person to her other than her husband. Now you have made clear that she’s not even in your top 4. The situation seems to be playing out like anyone would expect. I am extremely low drama and not easily offended, but if I were in her place I would be embarassed to realize how mistaken I was about the relationship and crushed that someone I cared about found my personality so flawed. Add in the humiliation of knowing this is all public fodder among our friends and I would withdraw too. I don’t think this can be salvaged.
Post # 36
i would be beyond upset if I were your friend too. poor girl chose you to stand beside her on the biggest day of her life and now she is not chosen as a Maid/Matron of Honor, not even a Bridesmaid or Best Man, after 10 years of friendship because she’s a “worrier?” AND her husband is a Groomsmen to top it off..
Post # 38
I’d like to respectfully disagree. I think a person who wouldn’t choose her closest friend bc of a negative quality is not a real friend.
Post # 39
I think it boils down to the fact that she felt you were a closer friend than you did. You have every right to choose your bridal party, but I guess for me it would be a matter of are you okay with making a decision that would potentially ruin a friendship?
Darling Husband was in a similar situation. He was asked to be the Bridesmaid or Best Man in a friends wedding. We were married two weeks alter, and he made the guy a Groomsmen, but more out of feeling bad. They’re friends, and pretty good friends, but haven’t been close in years and were never super best friends. We talked about it, and he decided that it was better to have him a Groomsmen than have hurt feelings.
Post # 40
Ooh I’d be really hurt. At the end of the day, you made the decision that works best for you, but I don’t blame her one bit for her pulling back from your frienship.
Post # 41
wow i would have deleted you out of my life also.
Post # 42
I feel like I’ve misrepresented who I’ve chosen in my Bridal Party. I have a friend of 20 years, a friend of 13 years, a friend of 4 years who I spend nearly every weekend with and talk to daily, and my future sister-in-law. They’re not shabby choices! Anyone who is close to me has not been surprised. I honestly just want to be surrounded by girls who have contributed to my health and happiness over the years. Yes, all friendships have their ups and downs, but this particular friend is the friend who leans on me when she’s in emotional upheaval but forgets to update me when things are going well. Anytime I’ve asked her how she’s doing, she only tells me the negative things… even when she starts out with “things are good”. I’m fine with being her shoulder to cry on, but when her negativity affects my happiness is when I have an issue.
And to clarify, I don’t expect any of these girls to actually work at my wedding; we have hired a wedding coordinator in addition to my on-site coordinator to minimize the work any of our guests must do. I made my comment about problem solving because my friend has a tendency to point out flaws and wallow in misery instead of focusing on the big picture and just enjoying herself. I work hard to keep a positive attitude because I’ve been prone to depression in the past. I am really good at being critical of myself – I don’t need any help.
My entire wedding planning process (I’m in month 8 of 12) has actually been relatively easy and pleasant with the glaring exception of having to talk to this friend. When she asks, I’ve shared updates on the wedding planning and she has questioned things like why I’ve invited certain guests. Most former bride friends are excited to refer me to their vendors or give me helpful ideas, but she is the former bride friend who talks about the difficult parts of weddings and what can go wrong. She’s not doing it intentionally to stress me out; I recognize that’s just her way of caring. But it’s just not what I prefer; I’ve communicated that to her, and she is unable to change.
And Fiance was friends with her husband before I met Fiance and before she met her husband.
After reading some of the responses here, I’m picking up on just how hurt she could be. And that’s never been my intent – I don’t wish her ill will. I’ve felt really terrible all day about causing her so much hurt and tried to reach out to her again but she is ignoring me. At this point, my plan is to communicate to her that I care about her, that I’m going to give her the space she obviously wants, but that I will be checking back in with her in a set amount of time because I still value our friendship. I haven’t decided on the amount of time yet, but I do want to check back in with her instead of leaving it up to her. I want to show that I’m making a very conscious effort. I’m not changing my mind about who is in my Bridal Party but I do want her to know that she is important to me.
Post # 43
This is sad and maybe its not the end yet. But I will tell you we lost three friendships with people who were in the bridal party but created way too much stress for us and did not fufill their roles the week before our wedding. So it could go either way.
Post # 44
Hi OP, looks like the Bees have given you a lot of very good replies and wide range of opinions. Not much to add, but i wish you the best!
Just a thought, you know how you mentioned that her negativity really gets you down? Have you thought about ways that you can cope with this, not just from your friend but in everyday life? Because I am easily influenced as well, and unfortunately we cant change anyone but ourselves, and by learning to cope better, everybody benefits! Plenty of worriers and neurotics around, least of all myself :p
Post # 45
@luckystar52: I dont’ blame her…I think she made the right choice! The LEAST you can do is to tell her BEFORE you finalized your bridal party…That’s just plain rude! Instant delete~~
Post # 46
I was in a similar situation, and from my experience, she kind of needs to get over it.
My Maid/Matron of Honor got engaged before I did and chose her bridal party–I wasn’t in it at all. She did come to me and explain why, and I was hurt for about five seconds and then I got over it. I chose her as my Maid/Matron of Honor and she’s been great.