(Closed) Lost a friend because she's not in the bridal party

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 32
Member
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bummbledbee:  I agree. What do you need a problem solver for YOUR wedding for? I can understand a bm being there for you if you get stressed but it should end there. I think this is why problems with BMs exist and the reason for all the threads with Bridesmaid or Best Man issues.

Post # 33
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

OP I certainly understand why you made your decision and (for the most part) I support it. However, I think that your big mistake was having her husband as a Groomsmen. If it is really that important that she not be in the bridal party then I don’t think that you should have had her husband as a Groomsmen either. It would have made the situation a lot less awkward, especially as people who know that you were her Maid/Matron of Honor will look on and notice the obvious (in their eyes) snub.

And it certainly must hurt to hear that the reason she wasn’t chosen was because of a personality trait.

BUT I completely understand why you looked for certain traits in your bridal party. A bridal party can’t be infinite and when you are choosing between good friends (cousins, sisters etc) you have to narrow it down to the people who will actually help you on the day (which is what BMs are there for), not those who you need to showcase your friendship with. 

I will most likely have just my sister for my bridal party. Because I know that she will help. There are other people I could have asked but frankly they will not be useful on the day. It is better for them to be a guest than for me to be annoyed with them. 

I would be prepared for her husband to pull out of the wedding and I would not put up a fight about it. Really, by the sounds of it, it sounds like this relationship was fading anyway. 

Post # 34
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I may soon be in the same type of situation.

I have chosen to leave my oldest friend out of my wedding party for many reasons (SO has 6 sisters in the wedding and I have 3 other friends I am much closer to now in the Bridal Party instead) but mostly because when I moved from NE to the Midwest, she was unsupportive and we have had a falling out in the past about it.

I am sure she will be hurt but I plan on having a conversation with her about it prior to her knowing that she is not included from anyone else. But I am still not sure she’ll come to the wedding. I am choosing to exclude her so I have to deal with the consequences even if I believe it is an overreaction. 

I think that you are in a tough situation because her husband is in your wedding. I do agree that you should decide who you want in your wedding but that unfortunately means you have to prepare for hurt feelings and the consequences of those feelings.

Post # 35
Member
8944 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Actions and decisions always have consequences. Of course you can choose whoever you want in your party, but the natural and understandable (and foreseeable) consequence of excluding a friend of 10 years who had you as her Maid/Matron of Honor and whose husband is a Groomsmen, is that she is going to be hurt. Bridesmaids are supposed to be the bride’s best friends. Just 2 years ago she told you (and the world) that you were her best friend and the most important person to her other than her husband. Now you have made clear that she’s not even in your top 4. The situation seems to be playing out like anyone would expect. I am extremely low drama and not easily offended, but if I were in her place I would be embarassed to realize how mistaken I was about the relationship and crushed that someone I cared about found my personality so flawed. Add in the humiliation of knowing this is all public fodder among our friends and I would withdraw too. I don’t think this can be salvaged. 

Post # 36
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@wahine777:  +1

@Nona99:  +1

i would be beyond upset if I were your friend too. poor girl chose you to stand beside her on the biggest day of her life and now she is not chosen as a Maid/Matron of Honor, not even a Bridesmaid or Best Man, after 10 years of friendship because she’s a “worrier?” AND her husband is a Groomsmen to top it off..

Ouch…. 

Post # 38
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@LuvMySailor:  

I’d like to respectfully disagree. I think a person who wouldn’t choose her closest friend bc of a negative quality is not a real friend. 

Post # 39
Member
7097 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it boils down to the fact that she felt you were a closer friend than you did. You have every right to choose your bridal party, but I guess for me it would be a matter of are you okay with making a decision that would potentially ruin a friendship?

Darling Husband was in a similar situation. He was asked to be the Bridesmaid or Best Man in a friends wedding. We were married two weeks alter, and he made the guy a Groomsmen, but more out of feeling bad. They’re friends, and pretty good friends, but haven’t been close in years and were never super best friends. We talked about it, and he decided that it was better to have him a Groomsmen than have hurt feelings.

Post # 40
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Ooh I’d be really hurt. At the end of the day, you made the decision that works best for you, but I don’t blame her one bit for her pulling back from your frienship.

Post # 41
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

wow i would have deleted you out of my life also. 

Post # 43
Member
3139 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is sad and maybe its not the end yet. But I will tell you we lost three friendships with people who were in the bridal party but created way too much stress for us and did not fufill their roles the week before our wedding. So it could go either way. 

Post # 44
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hi OP, looks like the Bees have given you a lot of very good replies and wide range of opinions. Not much to add, but i wish you the best!

 

Just a thought, you know how you mentioned that her negativity really gets you down? Have you thought about ways that you can cope with this, not just from your friend but in everyday life? Because I am easily influenced as well, and unfortunately we cant change anyone but ourselves, and by learning to cope better, everybody benefits! Plenty of worriers and neurotics around, least of all myself :p

Post # 45
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@luckystar52:  I dont’ blame her…I think she made the right choice!  The LEAST you can do is to tell her BEFORE you finalized your bridal party…That’s just plain rude! Instant delete~~

Post # 46
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I was in a similar situation, and from my experience, she kind of needs to get over it.

My Maid/Matron of Honor got engaged before I did and chose her bridal party–I wasn’t in it at all. She did come to me and explain why, and I was hurt for about five seconds and then I got over it. I chose her as my Maid/Matron of Honor and she’s been great.

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