(Closed) Lost a friend because she's not in the bridal party

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 47
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have been in this situation twice. Both girls were included in my Bridal Party as well. I got over it.

Some people are too sensitive.

Post # 48
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh goodness, I am in that exact situation RIGHT NOW. Choosing a wedding party, but leaving a girl out who I was Maid/Matron of Honor at her wedding. I feel some of the comments are a bit harsh. I don’t think your position as a friend is dictated by if you are in the wedding party or not. I think she’s being awfully sensitive. It’s your wedding, you only get to do it once. So why can’t you do it the way you want instead of trying to please someone else?

Post # 49
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If I were not asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man for a girl who was my Maid/Matron of Honor, I might not drop her as a friend entirely, but I would be pretty upset.  I probably have thicker skin than this girl, who does sound rather sensitive.

You already said she tends to be a little negative and a worrier – so of course she would not take something like this, which I think objectively is a bit hurtful, very well.  

It is your day, and it is your decision who you want in your party, and it is true you shouldn’t feel pressured to have uncomfortable people there. But I don’t think you should be remotely surprised this is happening as a result, especially since you didn’t talk to her about it beforehand.  

Honestly, it would be pretty humiliating to make a statement of “This girl is my best, closest friend!” and then find out that she is at a much lower friend level for you, but especially humiliating for a person with a history of ovver-sensitivity. Especially when her husband is in the wedding party.  

Yes, it might be time to let the friendship drop – but I hate to say it, it is kind of on you, not her, for initiating that drop.  But again, if she is a person that brings stress to you life, that might be what you were going for, and that’s fine. She didn’t need to suddenly respond so negatively, especially once you two had talked several times and made it clear you still wanted her in your life, and things seemed ironed out, etc.  To decide after that point to defriend you on social media is pretty rotten.

Post # 50
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I actually am surprised that you thought she would still be your friend after you A) didn’t even consider her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man after you were her Maid/Matron of Honor B)didn’t tell her up front so she just found out and had to seek you out to talk about it, and then you explained that she was TOO NEGATIVE A PERSON to be in your wedding, and C) her husband is a GM! I understand that some people can be negative, but couldn’t you have given her a shot? I mean what is the worst possible thing that could have happened? you would have been slightly annoyed by her attitude? I doubt one person, who you call a friend, could have such a horrible impact on your big day. And if it was so bad you would have had time before the wedding to address it. This is very selfish and incredibly hurtful. You have every right to choose who you want in your bridal party, but to think that you couldn’t even muster up the time & energy to explain to this person who thought of you as her best friend that you were not planning on having her in your Bridal Party is really sad. If I were her I would be mortified, I definitely wouldn’t want to show my face as a guest at my “best friends” wedding while my husband stood up there with them, and if I were her husband I would respectfully decline to be in the wedding. I would say take a step back and reevaluate, but sadly I think the damage is done.

Post # 51
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee

@luckystar52:  Sorry to hear that you lost your friendship over this. I can understand how hurt she feels and all you can do is appologize that she feels that way. You are not responsible for how she reacted, for she chose to react that way. It is probably more because her man is in the bridal party and she isn’t. If my friend did that to me, I would still attend her wedding, and probably enjoy it more because I wasn’t in the party. Your feelings have obviously been there a while, and it took the wedding to make you realize them. 

Post # 52
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

its not that serious. OP, I get it. and I’m pretty sure your Fiance is the person who put your friend’s hubby in, not you? so that had nothing to do with you. as previously stated a million times, you have the right to choose your BM’s however you please. anybody willing to let the friendship go because they aren’t a part of the wedding party could exit stage left in my book.

Post # 53
Member
4429 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@luckystar52:  i dont blame her for being upset but i can see your side of things too.

but with friends you have to take the good with the bad that’s what being a true friend is all about. i think you could have went about this all wrong i think you should have talked to her about her negativity and how you dont want that as part of your wedding day for her not to worry you on this day. do you think if you would have talked to her she would have respected those terms? she thought of you enough to make you her Maid/Matron of Honor you could have maybe spoken to her and made her a Bridesmaid or Best Man. i would be very upset if i were in her shoes. i would feel like you felt like i was not a close enough friend. good luck and i hope it all works out.

Post # 56
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@luckystar52:  Thank you so much for coming back to update us! I’m really glad that you could take everything that the Bees said and put into positive action. It really sounds like your friendship might be on the mend. Hope you have fun at the games night!

Post # 57
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

In all honesty, I see both sides of the situation. I would feel hurt, and horrified if I were her (just because she made you her Maid/Matron of Honor, which is HUGE). But I feel like I understand where you are coming from too. Some people just bite the bullet and have a girl like your friend, be  in their bridal party. It does make it worse now that her husband is in it, which at the wedding, will probably make her go out of her mind.

Right now, she just needs time to forget about you, to make her happy. She wants you to feel guilty, and to know how she feels, so thats why she cut you off the line on social media. Similarily this happened to me, just not with my bridal party, and I felt that my friend had to cut me off on social media so she could get passed the situation. A couple months later, she did come around and reached out to me. We never talk about the situation, but I have taken her to dinner and a spa to catch up with her, and it was actually fun. Maybe if it doesn’t clear up within the next month or two, reach out to her again, do a ladies night.

 

I think it would be too hard if you aren’t friends with her if her husband is in your bridal party. I would try to stick through it, but its your decision if you want to keep her in your life or not. Don’t overwork yourself over this though. Just be you!

Post # 58
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@AnnieAAA:  +1 I think her reaction is acceptable. I would probably feel the same way.

Post # 59
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Well, I have to say my Fiance chose one of his cousins to be a groomsmen…than his cousin got engaged recently, picked out his groomsmen, and my Fiance did not make the cut, and he was kind of hurt by that….so I kind of understand where your friend is coming from. But in the end it’s your choice who’s in your wedding, and it’s your day, and negativity is the last thing you need on what is supposed to be one of the most important days of your life. So long as you feel your decision is justified, I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s the one that decided to cut ties with you, not the other way around, so that’s on her.

Post # 60
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Thanks for the update, hope you’ll be able to be friends agian

Post # 61
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can see why she’d be upset, and it must have taken her a lot to be honest with you and tell you how she was feeling, and i imagine she struggled with whether or not she should vocalise how she felt. However, her response has been quite childish, particularly for her husband to ‘un-friend’ you when he’s a part of the wedding. A real friend should be able to feel they can share and be honest with you, and be ready for you to do the same and accept your feelings they way you have hers. It’s such a shame to let a friendship end over this, but if you’ve tried to reach out and mend fences all you can do is say you’ll be ready to talk when she is, she may still be very hurt even after talking it through with you and now just needs space. Hope it all works out in the end. x

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