(Closed) Lost a friend because she's not in the bridal party

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 62
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Not asking her to be in your bridal party is tantamount to ending the friendship. I’m not surprised that this is the outcome. 

I’m not saying you should have asked her — it sounds like the friendship was ready to die. I’m sorry you’re going through this — it’s not easy.

Post # 63
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like a product of unfortunate timing where a friendship that would otherwise quietly fade into the background has been shoved glaringly into the spotlight. Awkward for you, painful as hell for her. I feel for  your choice but I totally get her reaction. 

 

Post # 64
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know that this is an old post, but I just thought that I’d throw in my two cents.

 

I had a situation that could have worked out in a similar way. I have a 20-year friendship with three women. We were besties in HS and college, but we’ve grown apart since.  One woman, my Maid/Matron of Honor, is the closest of these friends, and we’ve grown closer since I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. At this point, I can say that she is my best friend.

 

I also have a newer group of friends that formed in the past 4-6 years. My history is shorter with these women, but they know everything about who I am now. One woman in particular is a really close friend–on par with Maid/Matron of Honor, but she often has “drama” in her life. There is always stress at work, with her family, in her relationship, etc. She was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in another friend’s wedding a couple of years ago, and she confided in me regarding the stress of being a BM–the expense, the relationships with the other BMs (who were all part of another group), the expectations, etc. Let’s call her Friend B. I should also note that the bride is this situation was super low-key and sweet, and this Bridesmaid or Best Man situation was not abnormally difficult.

 

When it came time to choose BMs, I had a very difficult time. I knew that I wanted Maid/Matron of Honor as Maid/Matron of Honor, so I knew that I would hurt the other two friends from that period of life had I not chosen them.  I also knew that it would be strange not to ask Friend B, but I knew that I couldn’t ask the other three women in that group due to bridal party size constraints, and asking Friend B might hurt them. I was on the fence for months. 

 

Eventually, we discussed the situation. Like @luckystar52, I was honest with her, and I told her the reasons that I did not choose her.  I also affirmed our friendship, and explained how difficult the decision was for me.  My biggest concern was her feeling like the odd-man out in the bridal party of three friends with a long history. I also didn’t want her to deal with expenses like Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, etc.

 

What I did decide to do is ask her to write/read something during the ceremony. I do want her to stand up with me, and she is a talented writer. I think that she is excited (although a little stressed) about this task. My impression is that our friendship is still strong.

 

Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is an honor, but it is also a possibly expensive and stressful job.  I wanted to give Friend B honor, without giving her a job that could cause her stress, and yes, cause me stress in turn (it was combination of selfishness and practicality). 

 

I get luckystar52’s desire not to have negativity.  Weddings are stressful enough without BMs adding to that.  Luckystar52, it sounds like your relationship is beginning to heal at this point, but I would suggest really having a good conversation with your friend. Really affirm her importance in your life. If possible, give her a wedding job that would make her feel special (but make sure she doesn’t see it as a pity offering).  It sounds like you don’t want to lose her. I don’t think that asking her to not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man is tantamount to ending the friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 65
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@luckystar52:  People get really sensitive over this stuff. I had someone defriend me in real life because I had to choose to step down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding because I could not afford the expenses and her Fiance hit on me and I was totally uncomfortable with it. I just couldn’t stand to be around him. I told her it wasn’t a good time for me to make such a commitment and would love to be in the house party or otherwise contribute. She has ignored me since.

 

Sometimes people really take this stuff to heart and make it a “make it or break it” deal instead of really respecting where you are coming from. Hurt feelings aren’t always the best reason to end a friendship…talking about it can sometimes work. But if that friend doesn’t want to talk or discuss, then yea, just let her go. You made your choice for a reason, ya know?

Post # 66
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think PP’s have said it best– perhaps the tricky part of your decision was to include the husband which made it feel both personal AND public. People are more likely to notice the perceived “snub” because he’s in the wedding party.

 

One of my childhood best friends whom I plan to include in my wedding party did not choose me to be in hers. I was surprised but not hurt at all because I’m still invited and get to enjoy her special day with her (and spend more time with my SO who will be a Fiance by then!). I suppose I could have been hurt but this is HER day and not mine and I was just so happy we were invited.

That being said, I think sometimes on WB women post things about their bridal party and give very specific reasons for not choosing someone and it can sound like middle school all over again. Selecting your bridal party should be about picking your closest girlfriends who have been there for you and helped you grow into the woman you are and the wife you’ll become– not about “well so and so and I had a falling out because they didn’t support my decision/weren’t happy for me/stopped being fun/don’t go out anymore/are single and won’t be as happy as a married girl would be for me!” Perhaps she’s just feeling like maybe you were singling her out and criticizing who she is as a person? Some people are worriers– but that didn’t stop you from accepting to be her Maid/Matron of Honor on her special day so maybe she feels like if you thought she was good enough to be around then, why not now?

 

So sad though. I really hope you don’t let your friend go over this.. Embarassed

Post # 67
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

When oi first started reading your issue, I was sitting on the fence.  When I saw that her hubby is a groomsmen…..that was a major game changer.

Not only have you insulted her…(even if it wasn’t your intention, it’s what you did), but I’m sure you have embarrassed the heck our of her.  You have the same circle of friends. She choose you to be Maid/Matron of Honor.  And her hubs is in the wedding, but she is not.

While I understand wanting positive people around you on your wedding day, you sound like you expect way too much from your Bridesmaid or Best Man.

you could have easily chosen her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and then talked to her nicely and privately and explained to her that you know that she’s a worrier, but you’d like her to be in your Bridal Party.  So could she just sit back, relax, show up and enjoy your wedding day and try t leave e worrying at home.  As long as you were friendly and approached it the right way, if she’s a self described worrier, she’ likely understand be flatterEd shes part of your big day.  You isolated and embarrassed a friend of 10+years for selfish, unsupportive reasons.  

i have no expectations from my Bridesmaid or Best Man except that they show up and have fun.  

Post # 68
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I had the same thing happen.  I’ve been friends with this girl since 8th grade, so about 8 years.  However, I have seen the negativity she carries in her own marriage and it made me hesitant to include her in my wedding day.  She made some very hurtful comments after my fiance and I got engaged which led to me excluding her from the bridal party.  When she found out she wasn’t in the wedding, she proceeded to tell me that I was never a friend and I meant more to her than she meant to me.  None of it was true but I am thrilled with the girls I chose.  If this friend couldn’t get over herself long enough to make the day about me, then I didn’t need her there anyway.

Post # 69
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would have responded the same way, tbh. IMO, you pick a bridal party based on who is a close and trusted friend and people shouldn’t be excluded for having negative qualities. If her worrying is THAT bad, why are you friends? 

Post # 70
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I can see both sides. I used to struggle with emotional issues and that got me kicked out of two bridal parties.

The first one hurt a lot because the bride kicked me out and put my cousin in. One of my brothers was also in her wedding. I felt like she thought they were good enough but not me.

A lot of people thought that was very rude of the bride and when I was engaged, this woman tried to offer her services as a wedding planner. I ignored her. She also invited me to her vow renewal, which is really her third wedding since it will lavish like her first two weddings to two different grooms. I think she is a very fake person and though I got over her snub, I won’t ever forget about it, especially since she tries to reach out to me otherwise. If I was not good enough to take part in her wedding, she was certainly not good enough to plan mine.

The second time was with a childhood friend who stayed very religious while I did not. She looked down on me because I was not a virgin like she was and I didn’t attend church. When she cut me out of her wedding, I understood why but I was still hurt. It didn’t make sense to stay friends with someone I had nothing in common with and who was such a sanctimonious fool.

So I understand both sides of the issue, especially since the OP was the Maid/Matron of Honor at her friend’s wedding. Not including someone in your wedding or cutting them out is a rejection and that is always painful. I would recommend not checking back with her and letting your friend decide how she wants to continue the friendship. I wouldn’t if I was in her position.

 

Post # 71
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@luckystar52:  Yup, sounds about right. You basically told her she sucked and these other girls are better. Be glad she gracefully faded away rather than kick up a huge stink.

Post # 72
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@luckystar52:  I just read your update – I have to be honest, while it’s great to be in contact again to satisfy your broken heart over her unfriending you – I think you’re in for a very awkward road ahead with this. How are you going to be able to talk about your wedding with her while you are sharing company? Letting things slip under the rug is a GREAT way for them to come back EXPLODING later. I think you should leave this one alone and let it die peacefully……I just get the sense that at some point this will come back to haunt you again and maybe in a worse way than before. No one likes to lose a friend but it’s not always the best laid plan to try and get something back that has changed. One word: Awwwwkward.

Post # 73
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@luckystar52:  I understand how she would feel hurt.  You’ve been friends for 10 years and you were the Maid/Matron of Honor in her wedding.  Yeah, that is a bit harsh.  It should like you are ready to let the friendship die.  Honestly, the hardest part about all of this will probably be the relationship between her husband and your husband.  Their friendship may not last, or at least it won’t be as strong, if you let the friendship go.  I don’t really blame her for removing you as a friend on social media sites – I would probably not want to be friends with someone who I had as a Maid/Matron of Honor but wouldn’t even put me in the bridal party.  Best of luck to you.  

Post # 74
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Not trying to be mean but it sounds like you were thinking more of your feelings than that of your friend. I would be hurt too if I were her especially as her husband is in the bridal party and the fact that she included you in hers! As she is a worrier the fact that you outcasted and excluded would have made her feel even worse.

 

It sounds like you are too into yourself and your day than being a good friend.

You could have at least given her a chance before assuming that she would be like this and that.

 

 

 

 

Post # 75
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

I’d unfriend you on socail media sites too if you said that to me after 10 years of friendship…I don’t blame her.

Post # 76
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I missed the part where you include this friend’s husband in your wedding but not her. That is very cruel of you. Sorry but your choice is selfish and hurtful.

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