Post # 1
I wanted to ask some advice on something that has been really bothering me. SO and I have been living together for 5 years now. He comes from a family of bad divorces, so I have always known he had issues with marriage. Four years ago he took a job in a different state and asked me to come with him, I did and had to quit my job and transfer to an expensive college as well. Due to that, I relied on him financially in the sense that I didn’t pay rent, and just covered my tuition and personal expenses. I am almost graduating now and I am 26 years old. I have tried to talk to him about marriage but he still has not decided, saying he “doesn’t know if he can be happy”.
Last night he told me he thinks if we get married he is afraid he will have to pay alimony and he says “divorce can ruin a man financially” like it did to his dad. For the reference, he is not someone who has a huge fortune, he mades a little under 6 figures, but somehow after 5 years still doesn’t trust me and that hurts me. Even if we did get married and then divorced I would never ” try to ruin him” as he says.
I have 3 months left to graduate and he still hasn’t told me his decision. However after what I heard last night I do feel that I should move out. In addition he also never wants kids and I do (not now but maybe in 6-10 years). However, my parents tell me it is stupid because of how costly that would be for a short period of time. I feel like I need to have courage to do so. However I have also wondered, am I being a bad girlfriend for not accepting how he sees marriage? If I really love him, should I just stay with him? That’s what he seems to think and so I feel guilty as well.
Post # 2
RunLift1234 : If marriage and children are something that you want and he does not, then you two are incompatible and you should move on.
Post # 3
Marriage issue aside – if you want kids and he doesn’t, then you have a glaring incompatibility.
Post # 4
He is telling you he doesn’t want to get married or have kids ever. He literally told you that marriage will “ruin” him. If you want marriage and children, this is not the guy for you.
You are not being a bad girlfriend by considering your wants and needs first and foremost. Will you be happy being his girlfriend in 5 years,10 years, 20? Would you be ok remaining childless forever? If not, it’s time to consider your wants and needs first. Personally, I think moving out and focusing on your career is a good starting place.
Post # 5
Bee, this man has ISSUES, BIG ISSUES – and its not your job/probably not possible for you to fix them.
Thank him for his time and support and GTFO
Post # 6
mel2 : Thanks, I just needed some reassurance that I am not crazy in thinking this way. I do think he has issues, and I get so jealous of friends of mine who just date normal men.
Post # 7
Staying with a guy who wants significantly different things in life from you isn’t being a good girlfriend – it’s being a good doormat.
You know it’s time to leave. Pull the bandaid off and let your healing begin. Good luck, Bee!
Post # 8
RunLift1234 : Your statement here is more than enough reason to end the relationship, “In addition he also never wants kids and I do.”
You’re not compatible. This won’t work.
Post # 9
RunLift1234 : You deserve and will find a man who WANTS the things you want and cant wait to give them to you!
I had plenty of crap relationships including 7 years with a man who hemmed and hawed about marriage.
Meeting my fiance was totally different. Within a month he was defining the relationship, around 6 months he let slip that he planned to marry me, on our one year anniversary he proposed. We are both on the same page and excited and doing things together. Its sooo worth it to keep looking until you find the one who cant wait to build a life with you!
Post # 10
I’d wait until you graduate to move out. Honestly, he doesn’t want kids or to get married. You’re young and will find someone who actually appreciates you if you move on. Don’t try and change him or wait and see if he changes himself- it won’t happen.
Post # 11
mel2 : You give me so much hope, this really made my day.
Post # 12
RunLift1234 : I think he’s using that as an excuse because he doesn’t want to marry YOU, sorry bee. My husband told me he always thought he’d never get married because of his parents terrible divorce, never wanted to have kids because of his terrible upbringing, but that all changed once he met me.
Apart from the marriage thing, he doesn’t want kids and you do! Don’t stay with him hoping he will change his mind about things that you know you want.
If I were you, I’d be out sooner than later.
Post # 13
So you’ve been living together for 5 years and you haven’t paid rent or bills for 4 of them? TBH I can see why he’d be concerned.
But honestly, none of that matters. Kids is a huge issue. If you don’t agree on that I don’t understand why you’re considering a future.
Post # 14
jellybellynelly : I’m very much on this page.
OP, if you want kids and he does not, you are not compatible. There is not compromise on kids.
But also, I know you had to move for him, but why are you still not helping with the bills? I actually can see his concern and maybe you need to show him that you want to be a partner in this relationship?
Post # 15
jellybellynelly : I have actually many times offered to help with bills and rent and he refuses saying I need to save my money. So what am I suppose to do? I do pay for my own food, and all my own expenses though.
And it is hard with the kids thing because I don’t want them now too but I am worried because I am getting older and I don’t want to completely cross that off my life. Does that make sense?