Post # 1
I got engaged in December of 2015. Five months later on May 20, 2016 my fiance died in a rafting accident. I was devasated and a year later I started dating again and was happy until a huge breakup happened. I’m so depressed over everything and it’s hard because all of my friends are happily married or in good relationships, and the ones who aren’t married or with anyone are off traveling around. I have never really traveled anywhere as my family was quite poor when I was growing up and as an adult I got saddled with student loans, job losses, and trying to rebuild financially after job losses. I have never even been on a plane. It kills me when I get together with friends who talk about their husband and boyfriends or trips they are taking. I hate that everyone in my life can have happiness and things have been taken away from me or I’ve never had the chance to do anything exciting. I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to hate my friends and relatives who also can travel and do various nice things. I’m dreading this Sunday as it’s the anniversary of my fiance’s death and I have to attend a wedding the following weekend.
Post # 2
First step, counseling. I know if money is tight there are online counseling services that are discounted. I think Talk Space is the name of one.
I understand that life has dealt you some blows but you can’t allow that to make you bitter and resentful. Would your life be better without friends? Surely, not. Your day will come, even if it doesn’t seem like it right this second.
If money is an issue there are always more ways to make money.
Post # 3
I don’t think my day is ever going to come. I’m not that young and i find it harder and harder to date.
Post # 4
Hugs bee. I know you’re going through trying times. I’d suggest counseling if it’s an option. I definitely understand money being tight. My family owned a small business and money was always tight and we never went on vacation both because dad couldnt get away and because we couldn’t afford it. I think the first trip the family took was spring break after I graduated high school. I’m also an older bee. I’m 36 and just married for the first time a week and a half ago. We both joke that we had no idea a year ago that we’d be married now. In fact, I asked do why he never asked me out(i asked him out via FB messenger when I got tired of waiting for him to ask me out) and he flat out told me he had given up on dating. I’m just saying that even after you think you’re done with the hassle, you never know what the future holds.
Im so sorry for your losses, but i may have some travel advice :p. I’m frugal and so is do, but we like to get away, so we are campers. Now camping can be an expensive hobby, but it can also be cheap. Buy equipment off Craigslist and keep to free campgrounds. It’s a great way to do an economical road trip.
There are also so pretty good travel deals on Groupon that include airfare. Also, cruising with a group(that will connect you with a roomie) can be very cheap and all food is taken care of. They do add tips at the end, so you have to budget for that too.
I hope you can find a way to do some of that travel you seem to be craving. Maybe start with something small. You don’t have to go to expensive attractions. Dh and I just got back from our honeymoon and we budgeted $2000 for everything, accomadation, souvenirs, good, airfare, car, gas, etc.
Also, there are travel meet-up for singles and single women so that might get you with a group that shares your interests.
Post # 5
anabolina : I did camping several times as a kid. We borrowed gear from a relative and went to a site 20 minutess away and I didn’t consider that a vacation or anything. I disliked it quite a bit. I don’t want to ever do that agian unless it’s trailer or RV.
I don’t really believe counseling would help and it was a bit embarrasing for me to even start this thread. The only people I talk to about my deceased fiance are his parents and brother. I don’t bring him up to my friends because I don’t want to be the “downer friend with a dead fiance”.
Post # 6
Hello, I’m sorry for your losses. I understand grief, my second husband died a few years ago. May I suggest going on Facebook and looking for the support group Young, Widowed & Dating. I’m part of it and it is a great comfort and support for those who need it. A lot of people who have big breakups after the loss of a significant other spiral into a different kind of depression. You are not alone. *hug*
Post # 7
mcal85 : hi there. I completely understand feeling like counseling won’t help – I’ve had times when I felt that way, too, and the thing is, when you’re depressed, you don’t thing ANYTHING could possibly help.
The only way that things will get better, though, is to take small steps and make small changes to turn things around. As much as your current situation is the result of circumstances beyond your control, your future IS in your control. It’s hard, but you can do things to improve your future.
Counseling is one thing you can do, even if you don’t believe it will help. It’s not embarrassing or weak to need some guidance. It’s building your toolbox so you can take control of your life back. You aren’t happy now – give counseling a chance, there’s really nothing to lose by trying it, is there? If nothing else, you will have someone who will listen to all of the things you feel bad about talking about to your friends – you won’t have to feel guilt about being a “downer,” and the therapist can help you process those feelings in a healthy way.
Once you start to feel more in control, you will start to find the joy in little things again. And the little things will become big things, and while your grief will never completely go away, it will loosen its hold on you enough for you to build the life you want.
Post # 8
I would also recommend counseling. The great thing about therapy is you don’t have to worry about being the “downer friend with a dead fiance” and can open up freely without worry.
But you don’t have to go into it guns blazing right away. Getting to know the therapist for several sessions is a good start. It is so important to find the RIGHT therapist for you and sometimes that means trying out a few different people until you find the right one. They can help address the depression you mentioned and the challenges of watching those around you and later on when you are ready they can help you navigate the loss.
Post # 9
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and that you feel like you have no one to talk to. But I agree with PPs that counseling is a great way to start healing and coping. They can offer great advise and it’s a safe space to talk freely without feeling like a downer or a burden.
Heartbreak is a hard thing to get over, especially over unexpected death. If you just need someone to talk to, I’m a licensed therapist and can actually relate to the death of your love one. Just message me privately =)
Post # 10
mcal85 : hi bee. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what that must be like and how difficult it must be to see others happy but your time will come again. Big hugs.
Post # 11
I know some of you mean well by suggesting counseling. But, I grew up in a household where my parents stigmatized mentally ill people or people in counseling as “not normal”. That still sticks with me. I also feel going to it would be a waste of health insurance money.
Post # 12
beesinging : I probably wouldn’t join a group like that since i wasn’t married to him.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Counseling has really been helpful for me. Just because your family was against it doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from it.
Post # 14
MsBeer : If I knew something good would eventually happen for me. I would be ok. But, i don’t think it’s going to happen for me as I’m already 37 and I wanted kids years ago and found out I was infertile. My fiance fit well with me as we enjoyed the same things.
Post # 15
There’s no way around it—what happened to you was awful beyond comprehension. It’s well within your rights to want to mourn the love and future life that you lost. You can do that for as long as you want; you don’t have to apologize for your feelings.
Really the only thing you can control in your life right now is you. Good (and bad) things will continue to happen to other people; that’s beyond your control. You can choose to try different things and see what happens, or not.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I won’t pretend to see into the future, but I do know that only you can make the choice of what to do next.