Lost fiance two years, had breakup,and seeing others have good experiences

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

You’ve gotten lots of advice regarding counseling and depression  so I won’t repeat that.

When you’re feeling better, there are groups for solo travelers. I’m 43 and flew to Vegas alone for the first time this past year. So much fun. I’m an introvert, so I used the groups mostly to get tips for what to do/not do as a solo female traveler. They have meet-ups for members who are in town at the same time and would like to dine or socialize, if that’s of interest. I had only flown on a plane once by the time I was 37. I’ve been to Vegas three times in the last year. Always something new to see or do. When I tire of that, I’ll pick a new destination. If my fiance doesn’t want to go, I’ll go alone. No big deal. Start saving whatever you can spare. Even $5/week will get you a full tank of gas and a night or two at a decent motel next year. 🙂 

Post # 47
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Your insurance covers therapy, that is amazing.,.you should use it. Its a step you don’t feel like taling, vut is a first step, a very smart one.

you mention you don’t want to spend life alone, but you have to love yourself first, and loving yourself means taking care of your body and MIND.

Im going for the though love side in here, but you attract what you guve to the world, and right now, you are depressed, you need to accept it and start working towards getting better. Once you are out of the “dark place” better things will come your way.

I have seen mothers loosing ther children and beinga able to get on with life, I am not saying they dont feel a hole in their hearts everyday, and I am sure it hurts like hell, but if they can do it, I am sure you can too.

 

Post # 49
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

A few years aoo I was walking to the station when I saw this huge stag beettle on the floor. He was huge! Had his claws out and everything, but he was on his back and stuck. His little legs were waving about all over the place.

I stopped and flipped him over onto his front hoping he would walk off to find the love of his short life.

He flipped himself back onto his back!

What has this got to do with you? You are the stag beettle. You are on your back stuck and there is nothing you can do to flip yourself over without someone helping you. At the moment lots of bees are trying help you, but you keep flipping yourself back over.

Until you either get some medication or go to counceling, you will not feel better. It can be hard to go, but it is worth it.

In 2011 my colleague commited suicide in our office. I saw his body and called the ambulance. He had jumped from a 6th floor internal balcony. It was by far the worst thing I have ever witnessed. It left me with PTSD. I thought I was strong, but sometimes things happen that are totally beyond your control and they knock you for 6.

Do you know what helped? Going to councelling. I only had to go for a few months, but it helped me to process what I had seen. It helped me to deal with the knowledge that I couldn’t have prevented it happening. It helped me to heal.

Don’t be the beettle.

Post # 50
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2018

mcal85 :  We have many many people in there who lost fiances or long-term partners.  You’d fit in.

Post # 51
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Okay prove us all wrong, try the counseling, and tell us it doesn’t work.  I am a Psych. Nurse, of 20 years.  We aren’t pill pushers, because we know that, medication is just one tool.  Unless you have a pre-disposition for Depression, genetically, or have experienced a non-situational Depression, before.  We would likely recommend counselling, but there is so much info gathering, we do need also, full labs etc.  I am just musing, on the small snapshot, of your life, you’ve given us.  It’s a little reckless, to not use the amazing gift of therapy. You may need to consider, you are too comfortable in the role, of being a victim.  Depression not treated, is damage done.  The longer it goes untreated, the longer it takes to get better.  Do what you want with this info.  I want to reiterate that, a full mental health assessment, and info gathering is important, to understand your needs.

Post # 52
Member
5986 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

mcal85 :  “My insurance only covers in-person therapy and I don’t want to do that kind of therapy.”

You’re getting in your own way here. Basically everyone on this thread has suggested counseling but we can’t make you go. I can almost guarantee it would help if you found the right therapist. But until you’re willing to try, you’re going to continue down this path of horrible depression. 

Post # 53
Member
785 posts
Busy bee

What are you afraid of? What have you got to lose? Therapy/counseling is being covered your medical insurance. A huge thing to so many who wish they could afford therapies!

My question for you… What losses do you make by going to in-person counseling? Your pride? Or the miseries that you’ve gotten comfy with?

Sorry for being harsh here, you do need some tough love. Please keep us updated on how dating Pride, Misery and Fear at the same time is like. Three-timing sounds fun though it’s not for me. I’d rather see a counselor in person than to date Pride, Misery and Fear at the same time. You choose not to want Joy or Happy. You choose not to change. Then why come here to whine/vent about things you could take the gamble and change but chose not to? I’m baffled. Keep dating them and keep the status quo. Rest assure, they will stay faithful. Sounds good right?

Post # 56
Hostess
6426 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

mcal85 :  your fiancé was a grown up and made his own decision that day. Sadly it cost him his life. You are a grown up and you need to make your own decision to improve your life. Failure to do nothing because of pride is frankly ridiculous and could cost you yours. Counselling is nothing to be ashamed of. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of. Making out like you are too good to go is actually harmful to other people who have been strong enough to go. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh bee. I wouldn’t wish your situation on my worst enemy but you have been given great advice here and frankly you just don’t want to hear it. 

Post # 57
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

mcal85 :  Any number of things can result in a tragic outcome, and this one certainly was not in your control. Your fiancé was an adult who made decisions for himself, and this was a terrible accident.

You’ve made it clear that you won’t consider counseling. I hope some day you reconsider that position. You’re essentially saying that all of us who have gone through counseling are somehow weak for having done so, and you’re inadvertently reinforcing the stigma that your parents saddled you with. I don’t take that personally – I just wanted to point it out to you in the hopes that maybe you’ll see it from another perspective. 

You’re basically sitting in a hole with a ladder available, but you’d rather stay in the hole because you think someone might judge you for using the ladder. Pride can be a paralyzer.

Can we go back to the Bee who suggested a grief/loss support group? Why not try that if you won’t do counseling? You can do it online and those groups are closed and private so no one will ever know you’ve joined them. You will find so many people who have been through a loss, who can empathize and give you ideas for what worked for them. 

Don’t close yourself off from people who can help you.

Post # 58
Member
785 posts
Busy bee

mcal85 :  it’s alright if your pride is worth more than a lifetime of potential joy and happiness. Mind you, you’re not asking for help when you go to a therapist, you’re using a prepaid service. You paid for it already. It’s there to be used. Just like how people use pay-as-you-go mobile service. Insurance is like that. We pay into it so that when we want the service we use it. It’s consumer’s right to use services we already paid for. Even handouts from govt was accrued from taxes we pay when we spend and work. They made you think you’re asking for help, but it’s not true. Everytime you buy a gallon of milk, you contribute to the handouts. Now you’re paying back what you received when you were young. So yeah, the people contributed to the government then only the government can provide handouts. No shame in that.

Many of us grew up in difficult and poor households too. And I’m sure many of us hate asking for help too. I also have my pride. But I know if I don’t help myself, I will stay poor and miserable forever. So I have to want to help myself. It was embarrassing and awkward to attend my first counseling session too. Especially I had to be referred for free counseling services. It’s easier to do online counseling but in-person counseling works best. It was awkward for me to even start talking. But I knew I’d either end my career opportunities and my life if I don’t go. My heart said hide, run! My mind said go and check it out, who knows. For once, mind won. I went. A lot of hard work to get from then on. And here am I. Not only I finished what I started, I met my other half because of my change of environment. So double happiness.

I ate my pride. I found happiness though there was a lot of hardwork involved in getting here. You choose pride over hard work, because it’s definitely easier. Your life, your choice. If you ever regret your choice, it’s never too late to re-read this thread and choose again. Good luck.

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