- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
Do you ever feel so down like other than a few people in life, no one would truly miss you much if you were gone? I am not talking about suicide or anything (trust me) for myself here, I am just sad. Sad that other than my family, I have friends but truly, only a few really close ones, and do I really make that much of a difference in anyones lives to care about me in that way. Its sad but I think my husband would be sad for a while, but thats it. I think he would find someone else, and is it sad to think she would probably make him happier? If i told my husband that right now, he would yell and get upset obviosuly with me saying that, and how could I think that, but I truly feel like he also deserves someone better than me, like my “old me”..
I lost all my ambition in life. I lost all my drive, my spunk my personality. Im only 26 but feel so much older. I have arthritis and something else, which can cause depletion of vitamins, etc, which can lead to you feeling down, but I just feel like life doesnt hold the same value as it used to. I lost a parent over a year ago and life just isnt that same either, which of course, added to how Im feeling.
I truly dont feel like I make a difference at all…Oh I used to, I know I did, and I felt i did. I was the girl you could pick out of the room; because I ALWAYS had thee biggest smile on and everyone commented on it- how I was always smiling and it made their day and that made my day knowing I made a little bit of difference. I loved helping other, joking, laughing, and loving life! Now, wow, Im a shadow, a shell of the women I once was. Everyone around me in life is going forward and Im just..stuck and left behind. Im just lost and I make no difference anywhere. Where is the loud, outgoing, smiley, woman that had everything going for me?…Now, i just feel like Im hiding in the background, blending in, camouflouging. And, i feel guily even writing that and writing this and having these thoughts as I know that SO MANY PEOPLE, have it so much worse than me. And my heart goes out to all those people all the time, so I know I shouldnt feel this way, as I have a huysband that loves me, family, a roof over my head, cars, etc…but no matter how guilt I am for feeling like this, I cant help it. I love my husband but i know he misses the old me, and I dont think he enjoys life as much anymore either. And I feel guilty, as if this is all my fault. As if Im bringing him down in life.
Yes maybe this is depression, but should you treat it with meds when you are low in every vitamin and know it probably is caused something with your autoimmune disease? Whats my purpose anymore, truly what is it? I used to have everything going for me: an amazing scholarship to university, my health was better, my looks were better( I know superficial but the truth) my weight was more “normal”, I was funny, more social, and i actually did things:- and then I got a little sick and then this girl that was going places, the smartest person ever, just wasnt going anywhere. Sure, I could have just pushed forward and changed things, had the dedication and motivation that i used to have and perserve anyways; like you see with people with disabiltiies, going to the olypmics with no legs, winning nobel prizes having fought the taliban and gun shot wounds.See, they had true problems in life and they still did things and I used to be more life that, to perservere regardless, and now, i couldnt even if I tried..what is wrong with me?
Everyone has a future and has lives, around me and Im just..stuck. I feel like Im bringing my husband down. I feel like just a weight on the world that does no good. I have a wholesome heart, a loving spirit, but i just have no energy, no drive anymore and I feel when I do go out, I just get walked on sometimes by others so that I dont want to try anymore. I cant even do anything anymore. Before, I could clean the whole house in an hour or 2. Now, I cant even do the laudry, the fricken laudnry for crying out loud. Other than my bad back a little bit sometimes, nothing physically is stopping me, but mentally, I have no idea why, but I literally cant clean or do really anything of that sort. I just cant off the couch or what not. And Im not a couch potato, I just dont have the mental strength I guess, to do it. Which sounds insane to my ears, and i just yell at myself to do it. but I cant.
And I dont want to tell my husband any of this, because then ill just be further the screw up, even though he supports me all the time, and loves me no matter what, Ill just be the emotional one, the one that cant do anything right, that is just leading herself further and further from who she used to be( my thoughts not his but how can he not think it truly). But if you saw me on a picture on facebook, on instagram, I would be smiling and pretending everything is alright. When I do manage to go out( though i dont enjoy going out really with friends as much anymore) I just tell everyone Im all right, oh yes happy with life, contining with this facade while I pretend Im this person I dont feel is me anymore. I cant even look into the mirror anymore because I just cant look back at who I am, physically and inside as well..And to be honest, my husband knows some of the struggles, my health ones(autoimmune) but as for this pathetic and such guilt inside, the feeling like your whole life is just nothing, like you have nothing going for you, you are nowhere where you want or need to me- that you CAN fix it but you just cant?? And you truly have no idea why, when 5-6 years ago, you would have? No, he has seen me break down maybe a few times this year, heard a tiny bit of the guilt then,. but nothing like Im feeling. I dont want to feel even more of a burden or more pathetic then Im already feeling. So he tells them we’re trying for a baby and i guess if my hormones in my body are fine, then technically a baby would have happened, but thank goodness almost they arent right now, as I know emotionally, this isnt the right time( dont worry, because of things, my body literally cannot produce a baby- yay for 0 progesterone!) . But I smile, engage in a little conversation and try to divert everything away from me.
As for my health, i literally have an inflammed liver, low b12, low vit. d, low iron, low folate, high inflammation markers, no absroption in the gut and inflammation in the gut, high inflammation in the thyroid and all my hormones out of whack..Im 5,5-5,6″ and at my highest weight in my life at 195lbs-I cant even fit in my old beautiful clothes- Ive gained 50 lbs in the last couple of years. But the crazy part is, I want to get better but I cant do anything about it..I just stop the next step to getting better…I cant help myself. I cant. And then my husband gets frustrated at me because he feels like I dont do anything to get better but I just dont have the drive and I literally just cant. Then, he doesnt want to help me, becyase why would he help me, if Im not helping myself? But what he doesnt get is, literally, i cant help myself…Onyl to certain pooint and then I just..cant. i cant. And I dont understand it myself, because if someone wanted to get better, wouldnt they do something to get better rather than just sit there and do nothing? Why or why cant I do something about it? I have no answers, I dont udnerstand anymore why Im like this. i just feel like a couch potato, one that has so many ideas though and truly WANTS AND DREMAS AND WANTS SO BAD TO DO SOMETHING but just cant. And I feel like if I just got pills for “Being depressed” that would just be throwing pills at the issues and not treating the underlying cause so why do that?
I just think I will never be the happy person I once was so i should just resign myself to this fact. My emotions may be magnified by the fact that this is the first time I got my period in over 4 months but this is how I feel on the inside and it does feel good, crying alone and typing it out, though I feel even more pathetic writing it down to you all. I used to be the girl that would never use the word “hate” because it had such a negative conitation and such a strong word that was only reserved for truly, truly evil things so I tried to use more positive words all the time; now Im the girl who used pathetic when i describe me over and over..who knew my world would change so much in a few years. I never used to care what others thought of me and only to be the best me, now I try so hard to hide what Im feeling so people dont know and care so much about what people think, but then at the same time, dont care at all.
Has anyone ever felt this way? Did anything help? How did you get back on your feet? Am i just feeling sorry for myself and need to do something- but I just cant so how?
a girl that is so lost in life
**cried aa I pressed publish but did feel so good as bad as i feel writing this, feels good to get off my chest, like a little bit of the burden is lifted, even for a moment