(Closed) Lost My Temper, Need Advice

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

There’s a lot going on here. He’s really, really young, first of all. Is he ready for an actualy marriage? If he’s not considering your needs and mental health in a proposal, it kind of seems like he’s not really including you in the proposal or relationship.

That said, if you’re that upset about other people getting married or engaged, I’m wondering if you’re wanting to marry this guy (who doesn’t consider your needs in a proposal), or get married in general? (I’m totally not trying to be condescending, I’m just wondering if you’re feeling ready to get married, or married to this guy).

 

Post # 3
Member
7669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Agree with pp that there’s a lot going on here. I think my biggest question is: do you really want to marry hiim? He is young, but seems committed. He has the ring and has told you he will propose within one week. The scavenger hunt thing was ill conceived, certainly, but it’s still kind of cute that he would go to all that trouble. Maybe he consulted with some friends who told him it’s a great idea…who knows?

Why do you think “he wants a proposal, not an engagement”? I’m not saying you’re wrong, just that nothing you described here would necessarily lead me to that conclusion on my own. Honestly it just sounds like he’s young and not in a huge rush…not that he doesn’t actually want to be engaged to you. But if something he’s done or said really makes you feel that way, then yes that’s a definite red flag and should give you serious pause.

Finally, your threat to break up with him now rather than wait one week for the proposal he claims is coming. This seems a really disproportionate reaction to the situation, from the way you’ve presented everything. You’re potentially one week away from being engaged! It’s hard for me to understand that your resentment over the scavenger hunt idea and the waiting period (of 6 months is it?) is so violent that you’d be willing to throw away the entire relationship.

UNLESS…bringing me back to the first thing I said in this post…you don’t actually, deep down, want to marry him. Which is totally valid, if that’s the case. i’m not sure how to advise you cause there’s so much going on here and your own feelings seem a bit muddled, but I think you should take some time to process everything before making any drastic decisions.

Post # 4
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

The fact that you have agoraphobia and he knows that and didn’t take it into account when he was planning the proposal… is very strange. Especially as you’ve been together five years. He should have put more thought into it, which makes me think he doesn’t really understand or appreciate how big a step this is.

I’m not saying you should break up, but I am thinking you should probably put the brakes on and figure out if you really want to marry this guy.

Post # 5
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

I think there’s a difference between lack of concern for your well being and thoughtlessness. He got caught up in the excitement of a proposal and didn’t consider how it would negatively impact you. He admitted it was careless and apologized for it. Definitely does not seem malicious. What else would you want him to do?

Post # 8
Member
593 posts
Busy bee

Oh my god, PPs… No, he is not “young”. He’s a 24 year old man who is capable of loving and engagement and marriage and everything.

I think he thought that to prove his love for you, he has to go up and beyond with the proposal, completely sweeping off of your feet and planning a huuuge thing because it only happens once and all of that ullshit. Apologise to him and tell him that it’s not what suits you as a couple. Tell him that you would be glad to have that moment together – just the two of you – because you want it to sink in and to be intimate. Be frank with him, show him how much you care and dream about this. You really need to open your heart to him to fix this and make him feel at ease and to reverse the pushing you’ve done. Tell him that getting engaged and prepared for marriage is the key in this; and that before he told you all of that info, you thought he was dragging because of some other reasons your demons shoved in your head.

I know you want to marry this guy, it just happens so that waiting makes you go quite nuts, because I’ve been there, too. I was also kind of trying to push it – I was just READY to evolve our relationship and wanted it then and now!

Just.. Don’t forget to give him comfort and love. Show him you appreciate him, it will alleviate the stress and make you both get on the same page as far as your relationship goes. Try to enjoy your time while waiting, I know it’s hard. Go do your nails and pull your A game as a girlfriend since your time is running out, girl! Hope this helps, good luck!

Post # 9
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

If you have fairly bad agoraphobia and social anxiety, are you seeing a therapist? If so, perhaps you could bring your SO along on one of your sessions so he can gain better understanding of what you’re going through. IA with others that he doesn’t seem malicious or callous, but he doesn’t seem to have a great deal of knowledge about your mental health issues. 

I find it odd that you’re being pestered about when you’re getting engaged. Well, I find this odd and nosy under any situation, but in your case your SO is only 24???? IA with you on the frustration of carrot danging, totally have your back on that one, but don’t let nosy people factor into your frustration. 

Your SO at least is listening to what you’ve told him and has dropped his plan for a scavenger hunt and is proposing soon. Don’t feel like talking to him is forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do- you say he already has a ring and the two of you have already made up a guest list, so his intention was already there. But I’d give him the benefit of the doubt that his plan was just a bad idea but well intended. 

Post # 13
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

waiting4ring :  It’s great that you guys are doing marriage/couples counselling, and I think this is definitely something you should bring up at your next session. I’d like to amend my original response, because I think it’s too flippant in light of your new responses. Your description here of how deeply involved/aware he is of your treatment definitely makes the proposal idea more troubling. You say that it’s been a sticking point in your relationship, and that’s an incredibly concerning pattern to set for your marriage. Your husband should be your biggest supporter, not someone who disregards or undercuts your mental health. Definitely work this out with a counsellor before you think about accepting that ring.

Post # 14
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

waiting4ring :  Ah, I hear you – I can definitely understand that! That’s really not fair!

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