- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Hi everyone, I have not been on this board for a while. I was here often when I was engaged to my love, but now we have separated and I feel so empty.
We had been together since March of 2006 (we were both 19 yrs old). If true, pure, love exists, that’s what him and I had. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to marry him and he always talked about marrying me, too. We were each other’s first serious relationship.
We got engaged in 2008, without him proposing. After me nagging, he officially proposed in 2010 after he graduated from college. Since then we had been trying to get our shit together to get married. But things fell apart one by one…
We kept on discussing wedding dates and venues and food, etc…even visited venues with our families and put a deposit down. But he kept on postponing our wedding without explaining to me why. He would still tell me how much he loves me and he would tell me with such conviction that we WILL get married. But he wouldn’t take any action on it – it was all talk.
Two months ago I mentally jumped off the cliff and told him we needed to take a break. I couldn’t take it anymore. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what was holding him back from moving on with our life together. For months I had been trying to tell him that I was unhappy with our situation, and we talked so much for so many hours…but nothing would come of it. I don’t know if he ever really understood what we were talking about. I was so eager to move on with my life with him and he was, too, but it was almost as if he was incapable of doing so.
Even though I was so unbelievably pained by the idea of breaking up with him, I felt an immediate sense of relief once I left. I refused to talk to him as he would keep me on the phone for hours. In the beginning he was in touch with my parents on a weekly basis, but that eventually stopped.
Finally, ten days ago, I spoke with him again. And he told me about how painful this was for him and how he became so depressed and anxious that he was about to check himself into a hospital. He told me he lost 12 lbs, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep – that he almost lost everything he had, even his job.
I felt so guilty for causing so much pain for him. I felt sooo guilty that I did not want to live anymore. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I couldn’t believe that I left the love of my life so suddenly.
During that conversation he told me, though, that I had made the right decision. He said I had the courage to do this when he didn’t. But he also said that because of the hurt, this relationship has ended for him. And he wished me the best.
The most painful part was hearing him say that I made the right decision. I didn’t want to be right. This past two months I have been hoping to wake up from this nightmare I have been living. And I was hoping that he would pull himself together, figure out what was holding him back, and come back to get me. Instead, he panicked and gave up.
We both still love each other and cannot believe this happened to us. We are both miserable, yet can’t do anything about it. How could this be?!