(Closed) Lost… This is very long, but I need help… Please read

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

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@lealorali:  I totally agree. I was worried when Fiance and I first started dating because we never felt those butterflies in our stomachs. From the beginning, it just felt right. We have passion, yes, but probably others with the same amount may be bored. But above all this, we make each other better. I like who I am when I am with him. I feel safe and secure when he is around, and I’m happy to be spending the rest of my life with him. 

OP: have you and Fiance talked about these doubts? If not, before deciding anything, I strongly suggest you guys have an open and honest conversation laying out all the cards. 

Post # 18
Member
2479 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You’ve been through a helluva lot and, quite frankly, I suspect you are still not over the grieving process yet. For definitely, do NOT marry someone who you are unsure about no matter how sweet and loving he is. It might be that he is the right man for you but you aren’t in the right frame of mind to marry him just yet. If he is the kind man you portray then he’ll understand that you need to take a step back right now.

Also, don’t borrow that sort of money for a wedding that you are so uneasy about either. That will just add the stress that comes with debt to a situation you are already feeling unhappy about. 

Instead, I’d seriously consider getting some counselling.

Post # 19
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

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@LTD418:  Glad to hear someone else agrees 🙂

Post # 20
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@lealorali:  +1 this

 

OP, I think you do need to take some time to talk with your Fiance, but I will also make a point to people who think that you need passion and butterflies to be with the one, that is not always the case. Truly long-lasting love is the kind that comes with respect, commitment, compromise, and sticking with you through thick and thin. It sounds like your Fiance is doing that and truly loves you, and that’s really great. Passion may come through working on the relationship, but it shouldn’t be the measuring stick. 

 

Most of life is actually 95% monotony with 5% excitement. I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve gone through so much. I think having your Fiance in your life is really great, I think perhaps you need to think about whether you are ready for this kind of commitment. I think his family sounds wonderful, it is a kind of stability you can really benefit. Are you really sure that you would feel nothing if he is gone? Or is this perhaps still ramifications from your grief?

Post # 21
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through – that sounds really rough, so *hugs*..

I really feel like you might not be ready to marry your Fiance bc of the past with your first husband. I suggest just holding off on wedding plans for now until you see a counselor to get through all that and speak to your Fiance about it.

Post # 22
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@ambartsch:  

You know that saying “I have found the one with whom my soul loves”? I’ve waited my whole life for you feeling? Well, I don’t have it with him… If he walked out the door tomorrow my life would be no different.  

Yikes, yikes, yikes. I can’t get past this part that you wrote.

I think you started dating again before you were emotionally ready. I think you’re in something sort of equivalent to a rebound relationship.

For the sake of your fiance, please call off the wedding. Something is not right here. This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this. 


Post # 23
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

Do not move forward!! I echo PPs above. I’m sorry for all of your losses. This should be a happy time for you, and I hope you do find happiness and love.

Post # 24
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

From what you wrote and the timeline between your relationships, it sounds like you really need some time to just be on your own.  The way your 1st husband died is very traumatic, but then discovering he cheated on you with a prostitute is heart shattering.  Just those two events alone is overwhelming, and it seems you never grieved and healed fully from all the pain.  As a result, it’s not surprising you are not really into this other relationship with your new Fiance.  Without fully dealing with your grief and allowing yourself some time to be alone and heal from all of this, you will never be able to give/receive to your full capacity with any man that comes after.

Also, committed relationships and true love are NOT about passion and feeling butterflies/being on cloud 9.  True love and taking vows to honor & cherish your husband is NOT about how fulfilled/happy YOU are — it’s about having learned to honor & love yourself so that in marriage, you then learn to be self-less and are now ready to love & take care of your man.

If you are still looking to your Fiance or any other man to make you feel happy, passionate, and fulfilled, then it will be a long hard wait because NO ONE can do this for you.  If you are serious about love, passion, and happiness you must love yourself first, and then share this love with others.

Post # 26
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

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@ambartsch:  I’m so sorry, Bee! I hope you have a lot of good friends to support you through this difficult time..

I must say, that eventually you will look back at this when you have met your soulmate and not regret a second of it. Every moment in your life is leading you to something bigger. When you look back at everything, you will realize that every step led you to where you are supposed to be.

Post # 27
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@ambartsch:  I am SO sorry for everything that you have been through, my heart just broke reading your post.

I think at the very least you need some time. Maybe you do love him and you are just emotionally unavailable right now. Or maybe you guys just need to be friends.

I was in a relationship like this for two years before realizing that I really wasn’t IN love…I broke things off and it was hard, but now we are BEST friends…so close that even Fiance has become best friends with him. It’s been four years since we broke up.

Good luck.

Post # 28
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@ambartsch:  Just read your update, wishing you the best. Try to stay friends!

Post # 29
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

Wow I am soo sorry. You’ve been through so much just take time to yourself & heal. Prayers sent for you

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