(Closed) Lost trust in my fiance. Wedding in 3 weeks. Help :(

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

that’s a really tough situation!  I’m really sorry he deceived you like that.  I am glad to hear you’re seeking out your therapist before making decisions.  Has he been impulsive or deceptive before?  Did he tell you about failing the class before you saw the tattoo?

Post # 3
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Honestly, it his body and some people don’t really think that much of body modifications. I know I can definitely get a piercing or my hair cut or coloured a completely different style without talking to my SO about it or sometimes even mentioning it afterwards. I don’t do it to deceive him I just honestly don’t even think about telling him because it’s my body, he doesn’t have to have it on his so why should I run it past him? 

With that said, I would never actively try and keep it a secret ex: getting changed in the bathroom so he wouldn’t see. To do so means that I know what my partner’s reaction will be and that I won’t like it so I’m going to keep it a secret because I don’t want to face the fall out. And that signifies to me a lack of mutual trust and respect in the relationship.

FWIW, it’s his body and I don’t think he should have to apologise for getting a tattoo. But I think he owes you an apology for deliberately going out of his way to hide it from you. 

I would also ask yourself why he felt the need to keep it hidden from you. Are you perhaps critical of things he wants to do so he does them behind your back. Just something to look into. 

Post # 5
Member
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

When did you find out?

You need to give it some time to let it sink in, you feel betrayed and lied to, and if you just found out, it’s completely understandable that you are so upset.

Give it a few days to calm down and settle, then talk to him about how betrayed you feel that he kept it from you.

I’m not sure what the “nasty things” you said were, but I would apologize for them and tell him you were surprised and upset and didn’t know what to do.

Post # 6
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
mamamia23 :  I thought this was going to be something way different! Personally the tattoo thing wouldn’t bother me, it’s all the sneaky money stuff. XBoxes, $1500 for fast food (now is that possible?!), and how much does a giant tattoo cost? You have to be on the same page money wise, 10 years or not.

Post # 7
Member
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
mamamia23 :  

Just saw your update, this is a deeper issue relating to him being impulsive. You mentioned you were going to go to a therapist. Is he open to seeing one too? They can help him discover ways to combat his impulsiveness.

Post # 9
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m sorry but I kind of had a chuckle cause I thought this was going to be something way different and then I got to tattoo and was like huh?!

Never the less, thats really weird that he hid a tattoo from you for a week. Like, did he expect you never to find out?! I don’t understand his rationale for doing this at all. However, I don’t blame him for not getting something meaningful to your relationship, cause well, break ups happen and tattoos are forever.

It seems like he has a theme of hiding things from you (tattoos, buying xbox’s, etc.) which would not at all be okay to me. I also wouldn’t expect these things to stop happening if its something he’s done consistently in the past. You know about the tattoo and the fast food and the game systems but what about all the shit he’s hidden from you that you don’t know about? Nah, I’d be out.

For reference for the PP, it depends on the artist but my artists starting rate is $150 an hour on tattoos.

Post # 10
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

when I initially read the title of this post, I expected to read about a guy cheating, or having a secret financial account, or inappropriate conversations with an ex. But a tatoo? Really? I’m not a huge fan of them overall, but that’s just me.

If my dh went and got one today, I would be suprised but I really don’t think I’d care all that much. It’s his body, whatever is tatooed on him is somehow meaningful to him… and why would it be less of a problem if the tatoo was meaningful to your relationship? I mean, lots of women have flowers or somthing they think is pretty, and it has no signficance to their partner. 

I think you ought to back off, don’t make this s problem when one doesn’t exist.

just read your update- edited to add that yah, the impulsivity might be a problem here, particuarly the Xbox and fast food spending that he was hiding from you. If this was JUST the tatoo, then sure, no biggie…. but sounds like his impulsivity is problematic.

Post # 11
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’d be more concerned about the financial things (hiding an xbox, $1500 for fast food???) than the tattoo (although honestly I’d be kind of pissed about spending the amount of money that likely cost without a discussion). How do you all normally handle financial decisions? THAT’S the part I’d be more worried about – that you clearly have different priorities and aren’t on the same page as it stands.

Post # 12
Member
723 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
mamamia23 :  It’s a strange situation. I do find it weird that he didn’t mention it, but I also find it weird that you said you don’t care that he got the tattoo just that he hid it from you. Was the supposed to ask permission though? 

Post # 14
Member
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
mamamia23 :  

definitely give yourself some time to settle down. I can understand the embarrassment about being impulsive, but given his past impulsive decisions, I think it’s something he should work on.

Post # 15
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I have to admit I was expecting a lot worse than a tatoo from the title of your thread!

I definitely wouldn’t throw away a 10 year relationship that is otherwise wonderful over this. Unless this is part of some larger pattern (him routinely hiding things from you) then I don’t see it as a huge deal. Once things calm down, just let him know that you’d appreciate if he would be honest with you about things like this from the get-go–it’s not the tatoo itself you have a problem with but the hiding and secrecy.

I think yoiu’ll be ok bee! Your wedding is so soon – you are probably stressed and anxious so everything seems more serious and distressing than it would usually be. Deep breaths!

ETA: Just saw your update that he does have a history of hiding things (the xbox, the $1500 of fast food (how the f does one spend $1500 on fast food???)). What worries me isn’t so much the hiding, although that’s a problem, but his total lack of remorse afterward. It’s like he’s refusing to acknowledge why this upsets you – which is maddening because the whole reason he’s hiding this stuff is because he knows it will upset you! You have a communication problem. With your wedding so close, I wonder if a quick pre-marital counseling session would be possible?

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