(Closed) Lost trust in my fiance. Wedding in 3 weeks. Help :(

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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mamamia23 :  

is it a new therapist and or your first time in therapy? Don’t expect many answers or revelations in the first session, therapy takes time.

You are on the right track, and if he goes too to work on being impulsive… that to me is golden.

Post # 18
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

It’s just a tattoo…I thought he cheated on you or something. I’ve gotten tattoos even though my fiancé doesn’t like them. It’s my body, not his. 

Post # 20
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee

Yeah – the body mods are not the issue.  His body, his call.

But I sure as hell would be worried that his repeated reaction to any stress or embarrassment is to act impulsively and recklessly spend large amounts of money and then HIDE it from you.  His actions go above and beyond engaging in a little retail therapy or hitting the drive thru for a big mac and a shake one day after a shitty day at work.  He seems to lack coping mechanisms.  I personally would postpone, but I have a very low threshold for lying.  I would start with therapy and take it from there since this doesn’t seem to be an isolated incident of this behavior. 

Post # 22
Member
26 posts
Newbee

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mamamia23 :  I just read your update, and want to change my advice now. Your fiancé has some real issues with impusivity and not just with things that affect him directly but things that will also affect you in the future if you are going to have a joint bank account when you are married. As another person mentioned, his lack of remorse is actually the bigger issue here. Without remorse for one’s actions, one cannot change their behaviour. I don’t recommend ending the relationship but I do suggest considering postponing the wedding.

$1500 spent on fast food is a lot, especially in times of financial hardship which you will unfortunately face at some point in your lives together. He needs to learn how to prioritise things and control his impulsivity before you get married and get dragged into it. Remember, when you marry you become one unit. Whatever trouble his impulsivity will get him into will affect you and your children also. Is your fiancé willing to get therapy? 

Post # 24
Member
26 posts
Newbee

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mamamia23 :  Yes, I read in your OP that you had children which is why I recommended postponing the wedding also. At this point, if he says he is willing to go to counselling you will just have to wait it out and hope the counselling improves his impulsive habits. I hope it all works out well for you.

Post # 25
Member
5986 posts
Bee Keeper

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brikachu :  It’s not just the tattoo, it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.  He lies about fast food purchases, and xbox purchases.  He’s probably spent over $2000 impulsively without telling her, that’s the problem she has.

Post # 26
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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mamamia23 :  IF you are really concerned, you could always go through with the wedding and wait to sign the papers until you’ve figured everything out.  The tattoo itself isn’t a big deal but the rest…

You just have to decide if these impulsivity issues are something you can live with, then go through with it.  If it’s not, well then you have some serious talking to do.  

Post # 27
Member
3940 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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mamamia23 :  That’s a real tough situation. DH and I put a lot of value in trust. Now, I don’t expect to heat about every latte or bagel he eats each day, nor do I mind if he pops in for a haircut without talking with me first. That’s the kind of stuff that doesn’t really matter–but a tattoo? It’s absolutely his body, so regardless of your opinion, I would have sided with him on it–UNTIL he went and got it without even speaking to you. 

Also, I find it very worrisome that he tends to lie quite often. This would not fly with me at all. And a part of me really needs to wonder WHY he’s lying about stuff like this–you’re going to find out. It’s kind of like, If he’ll lie about stupid stuff, he’s absolutely lie about big stuff. This would be a red flag for me. Are you able to talk to him about this? I would absolutely try to sit down to work out your feelings. 

Post # 28
Member
2599 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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mamamia23 :  There sounds like there are some other issues in your relationship right now. Hiding implusive spending on unnecessary electorics, excessive spending, lack of connection, this hidden tattoo… I think you both need to have a serious talk about your future. It’s great that you want to bring him to therapy with you but I bet your therapist might suggest someone else in their practice for you or him to see. Usually therapists don’t like to see a person their client has a close relationship to. 

I think he has some issues of his own he needs to work out. He is probably feeling really emmasulated and embarrassed but getting a tattoo and hiding it from you is not the way to cope. You said it was ugly… what is it?

Post # 29
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I hate to say it, but that pattern of impulsively spending money, hiding it from you, et cetera, is not a good sign, and even if he sees a therapist, that activity will most likely continue for a while before it gets better, if it does. I was in a relationship like this before, and (definitely not saying this is your situation or will happen to you) it lead to my partner stealing from me, emptying our bank account, and some of the activities he said he was spending the money on was some high risk stuff. I ended up having to leave because he didn’t want to change, and I couldn’t date someone like that anymore. He never apologized and insinuated that he deserved the money because I didn’t catch him sooner/he only cared for himself.

I, of course, am speaking from a slightly jaded and untrusting place due to my past, but I’d say that even if he goes to therapy, think really deeply about the marriage and if the three week timeline is enough to get things settled. Also think of a way to protect your credit/assets/self during your marriage so that if he continues this pattern, you are safe and secure. Also, take care of yourself. I know that’s it’s rough when someone you love keeps jeopardizing parts of your relationship with a series of events that range from completely wrong to questionable. It really hurts. I think some people are only seeing the comment about the tattoo and saying,”so what,” but he does seem to have a pattern of spending money impulsively when emotional and lying about it to you. I hope you are okay. 

Post # 30
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

mmm a tattoo isn’t a haircut or an ear piercing. Hair grows out, holes grow together. I would 100% expect to be consulted before my Fiance permanently modified his body somehow. It would be like me getting a boob job on the sly. Nope! 

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