Lots of problems after only a year and half.

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Counseling. Stat. Try to find a sliding scale practitioner, or go to a university that has a training clinic for people in their last year of their PhDs (those are often free but you still get quality care). I know that’s a cliched answer, but if talking to him over the course of the last 18 months hasn’t been the kick in the rear he needed to truly turn things around, then there’s no magic words we can tell you or magic wand we can wave to make it better. At least he’s willing to try – get to counseling sooner rather than later BEFORE you both resent each other and it’s too late.

In the meantime, would he be willing to read a couples’ book with you and do some exercises? Just as a way of starting to get reconnected? Does he feel distant, too?

You may be able to find these cheap on Amazon or free at your local public library:

http://nymag.com/strategist/article/best-relationship-books.html

Good luck, bee.

Post # 3
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

So sorry you are dealing with this.

There is a saying “fake it til you make it” and I have heard of couples counselors recommending doing the “things” even if they feel forced bc eventually they may start to feel more normal again.

Since you talked with him and he is somewhat trying I would try to build on that. Encourage him, show appreciation for the effort and hopefully that motivates him to keep trying.

The other issues (chores/etc) I would say try to sit down and have a talk about how “we” divy up chores and that you’d like to discuss a rotation/something that would help things to be more balanced. My fiance is more messy than me so before we moved in we made a chore rotation including what our kids would do. He’s still messier than Id like but it helps me to not feel like Im the only one always cleaning.

Resentment is a marriage killer. You may already have decided to leave and thats certainly your choice to make. However since you’re here asking I think there is some part of you who still hopes it can work. Lean into that hope.

Men often rise to what we ask of them because they want to be the hero/provider make stereotype so try to work with him. You get more with honey than vinegar, so while you have very real and legitimate frustrations, try to let that go as much as possible for the moment and reconect with him.

Plan a fun date night on a regular schedule (weekly/biweekly). Do things with friends and together. It sounds like you guys have had a rough patch and are maybe in a rut. It doesnt have to stay this way. But you do both have to choose to take those steps to move forward together.

Post # 4
Member
5557 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

mollywobbles :  One thing that stood out to me is that you are being stubborn right now.  You mention that he has started to do everything that you wanted him to do but that now you think it is forced.  That is really the wrong attitude, you can’t expect to never have to communicate your needs or wants to your partner.  Your partner isn’t a mind reader and will not go through life always knowing exactly what you need them to do and you shouldn’t expect that. 

If he has started doing what you wanted you need to view it as a positives, he is doing all these things with purpose and to make you happy.  Surely there is romance in that?

Have you tried being the one to make things more romantic also?  You should also be planning dates and being affectionate rather than just waiting for him to, it takes both people being an active participant to make a marriage work. 

There are also other problems (money spending habits, laziness with chores) that every marriage deals with and arent deal breakers when experienced alone. 

Think very carefully about all these issues, you are downplaying your problems by telling yourself that everyone has them but that just isn’t true.

Post # 6
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I second everything what PP’s said.

Try to be more patient with him. It is normal that when daily life is settling in and the honeymoon phase is over that one begins to take things for granted. I don’t know if you’ve lived with someone before and how long before getting married you’ve been together/living together, but to some degree it’s normal. I think this is what happend to him.

I don’t want to say that it’s ok to take your partner for granted and not be romantic anymore, but you talked to him and he reacted which shows that he cares. Try to let him have a chance to change things. And I think your partner being romantic shouldn’t be the main base your building a relationship on.

Post # 7
Member
5557 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

mollywobbles :  I guess I don’t understand why you are differentiating between him wanting to keep you happy and wanting to stay married.  He wants to stay married presumably because he loves you, therefore he is doing XYZ to make you happy.  You are creating issues by doubting his intentions even when he does things.

Right now what do you truly feel is lacking?  Is it the amount of time you are spending together?  Is it the quality of the time you are spending together? 

Post # 8
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

mollywobbles :  With everything that’s happened, could your hubby be depressed? Excessive spending, no interest in chores; no interest in showing affection…if you both have health insurance, it should cover you if you want to speak with a psychologist. You may not be able to afford couples counseling at the moment, but maybe you both can speak to someone separately for now. It couldn’t hurt, and it just may help him face what it sounds like he’s avoiding. 

Post # 9
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

mollywobbles :  So basically he cant win for losing. Marriage ebbs and flow. Sometimes its gonna feel like one partner is pulling more than the other, sometimes its the other way around, sometimes it meshes and everything is perfect. 

The honeymoon phase has worn off. Now you are seeing what marriage is all about. I second others that he cant read your mind and know exactly what you are feeling. I have been married a long time. Over the years Darling Husband and I have both sat down and had conversations about what we both need from each other. Thats not a do or die or forced thing. Life gets in the way and sometimes you get so caught up in it that, that you forget the things that mean something to someone else. 

It happens. The fact that you brought it up and he understands your feelings now and is trying means a great deal. If he just blew you off and told you to suck it up it would be a huge red flag. Do you know how many posters come here and write on the boards that they expressed their feelings to their SO or spouse and their concerns and feelings were blown off and disregarded? 

A number of posters would love to have your problem: You expressed your feelings, he heard you out, and is doing everything he can to make it right. 

 

Post # 10
Member
6155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

mollywobbles : It sounds like the two of you have had a really intense and challenging first year of marriage. My heart goes out to both of you. I agree with what others have said about counseling.

Also, though, are you familiar with Alison Armstrong’s work? You sound you might be doing some “frog farming” (in her terms) with your husband. Go check it out. She’s got some great books and interviews as well as online courses that have really benefitted me and my relationship (as well as many others). If you have a chance to work with her, you definitely should.

It might be true that something is happening that isn’t working for you and maybe you need to figure out how to leave. It may also be true that you have been in a really challenging time, your marriage is new and not yet prepared to weather this magnitude of storms and the stories you are currently telling yourself about your marriage and your husband aren’t entirely accurate.

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think you should take the opportunity to help your husband and book the appointment for him. Marriage is about compromise and choosing to do the hard things – even if you don’t think they deserve it. Mentally, it is hard to seek professional help for some people. You may be more mentally able to accept help, but he may not be. Also, please don’t assume someone’s intentions for doing something. It never ends well. If he is depressed and trying to be more affectionate anyway, he loves you – that is clear. 

Post # 14
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

mollywobbles :  I don’t understand. You told him you wanted more affection and he’s been trying to do so from your other posts… how is that equaling you being the only one trying? 

 

It doen’t seem like you want advice, you want someone to say you’re right. If you’re so intent on divorce, then no one will be able to fix that but you. 

Post # 15
Member
5557 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I really wasn’t trying to blame you when I was asking what you want, I genuinely think you need to figure it what your want from your husband.  You complain that there is no romance, but what do you mean by that? Do you not spent enough time together? Do you not do date nights? Do you need flowers? What does romance actually mean to you? 

Then you complain that he isn’t affectionate enough and he listens and he addresses it, but that feels fake so you don’t count it and still want to wallow and feel like you are doing everything. Is he making an effort now or not because your posts are all over the place so I’m honestly not sure how to help you. 

mollywobbles :  

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