Lots of problems after only a year and half.

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

mollywobbles :  PLEASE read the book on the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman!! 

Post # 17
Member
10592 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

brideandblue :  

The Love Languages book is meant to help couples who are basically ok learn to communicate better.  It is NOT therapy.  It is not a panacea for all relationship woes.  It is of no use when both halves of the relationship are “severely depressed”.

Post # 18
Member
10592 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mollywobbles :  

Bee, you’re stuck on the idea that your husband should make his own therapy appointment.  And, you’re right.  He should.  But, he can’t right now.  Help him.

Isn’t refusing to do this one more thing really a way of sabotaging your husband, your marriage, and yourself?  If he’s willing to get treatment for his depression, for the love of gawd, reach out. If a total stranger who was severely depressed asked for your help setting up a therapy appointment, would you reject them?

Post # 19
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

mollywobbles :  I’m seeing a therapist who is getting her certification and she’s great, half the $.

I would look into a book called The 5 Love Languages, there is a test and an app called Love Nudge. Check it out. Free.

Post # 20
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

sassy411 :  I never said it should be her only option and I most definitely never said it was therapy. I just said she should read it and I suggested it because it’s a good book. I saw that plenty of other bees had already suggested therapy so I was suggesting something else that could possibly be beneficial to them. I try to post something different than everyone else instead of just echoing everyone else’s suggestions. 

Post # 21
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee

brideandblue :  Well, time is finite, and a problem like this requires help that will ACTUALLY help–that book is a waste of her finite time because it won’t actually help (as sassy explained) and isn’t actually relevant. So it’s not helpful advice here. 

Post # 22
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee

OP, depression paints a pretty bad picture of a world that isn’t always quite so bad. If you are indeed severely depressed, then you have to remember not to always trust your interpretations of others’ behavior. The depression WILL spin it negatively, even when it was innocent. It can make a blue sky look gray. It’s a liar. It sounds VERY much to me that your depression is interpreting your husband’s effort in a negative light; that’s typical. When people show the depression any form of love, the depression either clings to it (and gets needy and codependent) or it refuses to believe that the love is genuine. I dealt with it for 20 some years, and I almost NEVER believed that any gesture of love was real. It was pity or something. Okay, so realize that your ability to see clearly is tainted right now, and work to see more clearly with an individual therapist if you can afford it. Ignore the depression’s lies and just “go with the flow”–trust that your husband IS putting in effort because, somewhere in him, he DOES want HIS marriage to work. Not because he wants a mommy or a maid or a sex slave, but because he chose to marry you for love and he wants to stay with you for love. 

Post # 23
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I second what PP said.

I also suffer from depression and it can just cut off any loving feeling towards others. It can make you feel so disconnected from everyone around you. It can make you see only the negative things and seeing them under a magnifying glass.I know those thought patterns too well. And I know how difficult it can feel to be pressured by someone too. And depression facilitates projections about our own frustration on to our partners.

I would advise you to keep going to see a therapist (and maybe take medication?) for you to heal. If you’re in the grip of depression, you shouldn’t take big decisions. So please focus on getting better yourself first.

Post # 24
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee

I think this is a classic example of needing to openly communicate and engage in give and take. 

You’ve made the first big step:  You’ve told him what’s wrong, and he’s responded by trying to improve.  Bee, a lot of women wouldn’t even get that far.  Your husband loves you and wants to try for you, but depression is enough to make anyone lose the desire for romance.  

You’re in a very self-absorbed place right now, being depressed yourself.  That’s not a criticism of who you are as a person, but it does have a direct correlation to your attitude about your husband and the topic of divorce.  A key symptom of depression is feeling like you want to give up.  That feeling doesn’t leave relationships untouched.  Friendships, marriages, family ties… all of them have been destroyed by depression.  I wouldn’t jump straight to divorce.  I would stay in therapy, and instead of thinking “I do everything”, I would try to focus on this:  In the beginning of your relationship, he did everything, too.  He romanced you, he doted on you.  He put in a ton of effort.  The fact that he’s trying to make you happy after you’ve told him what’s bothering you is proof that the man you knew then is still there.  BUT, he needs your help right now.  Don’t play tit for tat when neither of you is in any condition to assess yourselves, let alone each other.  Both of you need to be mentally healthy before making any major decisions, or before either of you is capable of showing overall, marked improvement.  If your husband is having difficulty finding the motivation to get to therapy, help him.  Don’t deny him your help out of spite and ill will.  

If you want this marriage to work, the simple fact of the matter is that you both need to be mentally healthy first, meaning that each of you will have to carry a disproportionate burden from time to time.  That’s part of what love is, and that’s what supporting each other looks like.

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