(Closed) on a scale of 1-5 how important is affection to you?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry 🙁  Of course you want affection!  Relationships take work and he needs to man up and make more of an effort.

This was an issue in my last long term relationship, before FI.  We were together for 5 years and I was ALWAYS the one showing affection, I had no doubt he loved me.  We discussed it over and over and nothing changed.  One day I decided I was going to stop showing him affection, in hopes he’d pick up the slack.  Unfortunately he didn’t and it pushed us further away from one another, evenutally we realized we were just really great friends who lived together and broke up.

I don’t think you’re overreacting.  After finding someone who’s completely compatiable with me and gives me just as much affection as I give him, I could never imagine going back.

I know you said he’s aware, maybe you could try counselling?  Sometimes the unbiased third party is really helpful.

Good luck <3 

ETA: 5, everyone is different, but if you consider it a 5 and he considers it a 1 you may have a problem.

Post # 5
Member
9236 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

It’s definitely a 5 to me, and I’m lucky that my guy is very affectionate. I think it’s pretty crucial that your “languages of love” (google it! Great website) at least somewhat match up….

Post # 6
Member
4314 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ahhh.  Well I think I am in this situation.  My husband is super affectionate, and I’m not.  And sometimes we do fight about it.  I try to be affectionate, but I think that made him even more mad that I have to “try”.  The thing that frustrates me is I think that he thinks affection has something to do with my attraction to him or how much I love him.

We got married, and it hasn’t changed.  I mean, I do try.  And sometimes we talk about it — but I don’t think it’s something we would have ever split up over.  It has gotten better.  For me I just grew up in a home where we were not affectionate and did not say I love you a lot.  So I am trying to work on it.

Maybe he grew up like that too?

Post # 7
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’d say a 10!! Affection is very important and SO and I are not shy about giving it to each other.

Post # 8
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Read the 5 Love Languages. It may not make it all better, but it could help you understand that he does show you affection, just in different ways than you show affection.

That said, physical contact (cuddling, random hugs and kisses, holding hands, etc.) and verbal affection (lots of “I love you” and the like) are essential for me. I need them in order to feel loved and appreciated.

Post # 9
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

5 for me, about a 3 for my FI, but we compromise. He gives it to me because he knows thats what I need and i try not to overshower him with affection b/c at times i know it can make him uncomfortable.

Post # 10
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Big fat 5! I needs me cuddles!

Post # 11
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

It’s a 5 for me. Is he trying? Maybe he’s just being affectionate in ways that he perceives to be affectionate but you don’t. Have you read The 5 Love Languages?

Post # 12
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ctobride2be:   For me affection is paramount, so I would say 5, and my husband feels the same way.  We’re very affectionate with each other all day, every day.  We wouldn’t have it any other way.

If you need a lot of affection and your FI isn’t an affectionate man, this could mean you speak very different “love languages.”  It isn’t necessarily a matter of right or wrong, but just personal differences.

I would recommend reading the book, “The Five Love Languages,” together with your FI to  learn to understand each other better about what expressions of love mean the most to each of you.  And you can both learn to compromise; that’s what love involves – meeting the needs of the other person to the best of your ability, even if it sometimes means getting a little out of your own comfort zone.  (For example, he can learn to be a little more affectionate since that is something you want and need.)

Post # 13
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

5 – I am a very touchy feely person. 

Post # 14
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

i say if hes not affectionate now dont expect him to change. If hes like this now hes likely been this way all his life and will continue to be this way. This doesnt mean he doesnt love you. i guess it depends on whether or not you can deal with that for the rest of your life. 

Affection to me is extremely important, i like to show it and i like for it to be reciprocated. 

Post # 15
Hostess
8584 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would say a 4.. It’s very important to me but at the same time, I don’t like to feel like I’m smothered. There is such a thing as TOO MUCH for me.

Post # 16
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

5+ for me. For us, we show our love and trust through affection. Our relationship wouldn’t exsist without it.

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