(Closed) love but not in love?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

All I can say is this: you deserve butterflies.

I’ve been in the comfort zone before and the worst part about the comfort zone is that you don’t believe you’ll ever be so comfortable again (but psssst….you will).

Post # 4
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

How do you define “in love?” 

Post # 6
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I went to a relationship health seminar thing a while ago for a charity my friend is in (it’s called Drivers Ed for Love, if you want to look it up), but the most important part of the message was that romantic attraction will not come. On a scale of 1-6, you love your SO at the level of 4, which is as really great friends, but you need a 5 or 6 (attracted or very attracted) to sustain a long-term, fulfilling relationship. When best friends get married even though they aren’t really sexually attracted to each other, something will always be missing. Some people can deal with it even though the one feeling the 4 (the other person can have a different attraction rating for you) always feels unfulfilled; for others, this makes cheating or divorce or unhappy marriage an inevitability. The sad part is that you will NEVER become more attracted to someone. Once the infatuation phase of a relationship is over (usually 6 months, sometimes up to a year, or even more for LDRs), your attraction will reach its lifetime peak. It’s chemical, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

Post # 7
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was in a relationship just likes yours, with my ex of 5 years. He wanted to get married, but I was reluctant. I loved him very much, but I knew that I wasn’t “in love” with him anymore. I ended up breaking up with him, because I knew that I shouldn’t marry someone that I wasn’t completely in love with. It wouldn’t have been fair to him.

Now, three years later, I am engaged to an absolutely phenomenal man. I can honestly tell you that I am head-over-heels, madly in love with him. I cannot imagine my life without him ever, nor would I ever want to.

I thank God every day for giving me the strength to leave my past relationship, and for helping me find what true love really means.

Don’t ever settle for anything less than amazing.

Post # 8
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

i’m not sure how helpful this is, but my mum once told me that choosing the person you want to marry is the probably the biggest, but the most illogical decision you’ll ever make. of course you’ll know things about them that would make a good life partner for you, but in the end, she said that it’s a decision purely based on emotions, that there are no pros or cons list and you go along with it because in your heart, there is no other choice. 

just a thought. 

Post # 9
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry OP, but yes, I think it’s wrong and I think you’ll regret it.  I had a relationship like you mention above for 5 years.  Almost the same situation: loved eachother, got along great, had fun, had the same friends (who also loved us together)…but I was not in love with him.  We broke up b/c it “just didn’t feel right” twice over that time, but ended up getting back together b/c of the other reason mentioned above. We even moved in together for a good 3 months, and then he helped me pack and we hugged and cried together when I left. 

Basically we were just really good friends, which made intimacy hard, and not thinking of straying harder.  I think you’re setting yourself up for a failed marriage or cheating relationship if you don’t take the time to figure out if your feelings are just worry (b/c you don’t know otherwise) or if you really are just good friends.  Best of luck to you! xoxo

Post # 10
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@ForeverBlessed:  WOW…we had the past to present too!! That is crazy how people can relate so well.

Post # 11
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Juliepants:  All I can say is this: you deserve butterflies. <—-YES!

I’ve been in relationships where I was comfortable and loved the person, but there wasn’t any passion.  They didn’t last.

Everytime I think of my fiance, I smile.  Like literally smile, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.  I swear I can feel my heart swell whenever I think of him.   I get excited to see him when I know he’s on his way home.  There are butterflies in the moments right before he walks in the door.  It’s like that every day with him.  It hasn’t gone away.  Everyone that knows us sees it too, as if they can also feel that we were meant to be together.  I’ve never experienced anything like this with anyone else.   I believe everyone deserves this kind of happiness and love. 

If you don’t feel it, don’t marry him. 

Post # 12
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hm.  I would like to give a slightly different perspective from PP’s… :

I love my Fiance.  I love him more than anything or anyone and I can’t imagine life without him.  He’s my partner (I love him).  However, I don’t really have… sexual feelings towards him (sometimes I wonder if I’m not IN love with him).  The thing is though, I don’t have those towards anyone – it’s not like I’ve EVER had the urge to cheat – that would be different.  I questioned this for ages and ages but finally realized that what’s important is that I’m happy.  So I guess it depends and all you can do is take time to reflect on it and find what you truly feel.  What my mom told me once is that the person you marry shouldn’t be someone you could live with – it should be someone you couldn’t live without.  Hope that helps 🙂

Post # 13
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m kind of confused by some people’s responses here.  I completely agree that attraction is important for a longterm relationship to succeed, but I don’t believe it is THE most important thing.  Appearances change and while everything in life is evolving, the ONE thing that will carry a successful couple through everything is the constant of their true love and partnership.

I didn’t get the impression from OP that she’s not at ALL attracted to her Fiance. 

Also, the level of attraction one feels for another is NOT what keeps people from cheating.  It’s their intensity of love, admiration and respect that keeps people from cheating on one another. 

I understand that everyone’s values are different, but I think the point is to be with someone whose values are the same as yours.  If OP values looks more than her Fiance does, then that might be too big a difference in values, IMO.

Post # 14
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have considered these things too.  Fi and I have been together for 7 years.  Of course in the beginning we were more affectionate.  He is my best friend, we never argue, we love each other.  Sometimes I feel like, what more do you want?  I love his character, I love his company and he is nice to me.  Sure, we are missing excitement sometimes, but the important thing is we are both willing to commmunicate and put effort in when needed.  We have gone through slumps when we haven’t had any intimacy for months at a time, but we stopped and we changed it.  At one point, I thought, maybe we had totally fizzled out and were just meant to be friends.  But, we addressed it and changed it.  We have a solid love and good communication, so that is our strong part that helped us fix the weak part.  I think if you have a solid foundation, intimacy can be worked on.  For us, we sometimes have to ignite the sparks again and then they fizzle out again, like waves.  But, I know that they’re there and we are going to be together for the next 20, 30, 40+ years, so if I have someone is is my absolute best friend who I love and can count on, I am not going to give that up for a little lack of butterflies-you can make that happen.  In our relationship, that is where we have to put our effort sometimes.  Others it may be trying not to argue, etc.  I think most relationships have a weak spot, and intimacy may be the easiest one to work on from time to time if needed.  

Post # 15
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was with someone like that before I met my husband-to-be.  We had fun, but I wasen’t super crazy over him.  Like that passion and ‘want’ for him I now have for my fiance wasen’t there.

I don’t think you should settle for anything less then butterflies.  I’ve been with my man now for almost 3 years, yes it’s not long in the grand scheme of things, but I still get crazy butterflies when I’m going to see him.  He is the warm and fuzzy to me but also the passion and attraction.  You need both.  I really do think you need to feel you need him..that you don’t want to live without him.  Just my thoughts.  I remember what it was like before.  And there is no comparison to what my fiance means to me.

Attraction isn’t just physical anyways and it shouldn’t be.  Attraction should come from deep down to what makes the person who they are.  That passion and sexual attraction SHOULDN’T be only physical because the outward will change through the years.  I feel like my physical attraction to my fiance became huge when we truly got to know each other.  I don’t understand people saying they love their SO, but there is no sexual attraction.  It’s not everything but it’s an important part..especially to men.  If you aren’t sexually attracted to them now, what is going to happen 10, 20, 30 years down the road?  There has to be a balance I really believe.

Maybe it’s because I’m older now but I’ve changed what love is in my mind.  Before it was this constant, crazy lust you have toward someone.  Now I feel it’s something inside.  And if it’s the inside..it will show on the outside in the sexual part as well.  That may not make sense…it’s hard to explain.

Every part to the relationship puzzle needs to be there though.  You can’t take one piece away because it isn’t complete then.

Post # 16
Member
7797 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

My Darling Husband and I are like this.  I never felt the sparks, tho he did.  I met him as I was divorcing my abusive ex and Darling Husband was such a welcome relief.  We were dating, old fashioned courting for the first 8 mos which was very healing.

We’re alot older than most of you and I’ve wondered if my ADs blunt some of my romantic feelings.

 

We’re coming up on 8 yrs, married over 1yr.  DH sounds like OP’s man.  DH is my BFF, a total gentleman, dependable, zero drama, just a total stand up guy.  Exactly what I need and want.

Maybe it’s the age thing, but that kindness and reliability means more to me than the mad love; which, btw, I felt for the ex.  Look how that turned out.

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