(Closed) Love him. He's the one…But scared anyway

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@maReeposa:  πŸ™‚ I don’t think your fears are unnatural. I got married just before I turned 22 and although we had been living together already, it was in a flat in my  parents backyard so we hadn’t dealt with all the stresses or costs yet. Yes things change and yes there’s more stress going from a school to working environment but to me it was worth it. I sometimes wondered if I’d be cut out to be a wife and my dh would just look at me and say I’d be the perfect wife for him. Truth is we’ve been married nearly 2 years now and in spite of our ups and downs I wouldn’t change a thing. The fear is there because it’s a big change and if you are anything like me change terrifies every cell in your being. For me the changes all happened at once, I moved 12 hours away from my parents, got married and went from school to work all in one shot. But sometimes change is good.

Post # 5
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014



First of all, welcome to the hive!

I feel like our situations are very similar. My fiance and I got engaged on July 26 after being together for 6 years, the last 4 of those being long distance. We are so in love and I know that he is who I am meant to be with, but I’m scared too! We are a few years younger than you, at 22, and moved in together about 3 weeks ago after being long distance during college. 

We have so much in common and we get along so well, but there are those things that aren’t quite perfect. I can easily let myself get terrified that those few things (not at all dealbreakers, just pet peeves) will mean our demise, but I have to remember that no relationship is perfect and no two people are 100% compatible. My parents definitely have those things that drive each other crazy, but they have been together 29 years strong.

Society has beaten it into our heads that 50% of marriages fail, that young people cannot possibly have successful marriages, and that everything has to be perfect all of the time. That’s just not true though.

I think, after talking to family and friends who have been married 30, 40, 50+ years, those who have been married just once, multiple times, with kids and without, and the overwelming majority say that marriage is not easy, that there are things that aren’t perfect, and that it is work to keep a marriage together, but that it’s worth it if you are willing to do the work. Honestly, I think the divorce rate is so high because people would rather give up when things get rough than actually try to make it work. Is that true 100% of the time, absolutely not. There are people who simply aren’t meant to stay together, that’s for sure, but so many people give up.

If you love him, he loves you, and you are willing to fight for a long and strong marriage, it’s definitely attainable.

As far as your concerns, will you be able to live together/in close proximity prior to getting married? If you really are worried about adapting, and if it’s possible/something you’re willing to do, maybe you should move in together to see how it works. You just have to remember that you will drive each other crazy sometimes, and that that is OK! And about the feelings of “missing out,” I can definitely see how you fear that. I think that’s my main concern with my engagement. And again, I think it has a lot to do with society telling us that we need to date X number of people before we choose somebody. My answer to society is, sure, I haven’t dated a ton of guys, had a ton of sexual partners, blah blah blah, but I have found a man who treats me how almost every girl dreams of being treated, and who loves me, and I love him. Why would I give that up just to “see what else is out there.” I really just don’t see the point, at least not for me, because that’s not how I am.

I’m well aware of the statistics, and about how apparently “my brain hasn’t matured fully yet, thus there’s no way I can know what I want” but honestly, not a day has gone by in the past 6 years, from ages 16-22, through all that “growing” that I haven’t loved that man. So I have decided, to hell with the statistics, to hell with societies accepted norms, I’m writing my own story, and I’m doing it with him. 

If you love your fiance and he loves you, which seems to be the case, then go for it. Jump in with both feet and don’t let others pressure you or try to define your relationship. Fear is completely normal, and shows that you have a good head on your shoulders, but you can’t let fear hold you back from an amazing life.


So I wrote a freaking novel, haha. I guess I’ve just been dealing with a lot of the same stuff, and needed to vent and write it all out too, plus it’s almost 2 am and I tend to get super philosophical when I can’t sleep.

Good luck to you, I hope you can put your fears aside and enjoy this amazing time in your life.

Post # 7
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@maReeposa:  πŸ™‚ that’s the way I look at it too. As far as the getting on each other’s nerves, I think that’s pretty normal in any situation when you live with somebody. My Fiance and I get on each other’s nerves regularly, because we are different people sharing space (and a small space at that, a 1,200 sq ft apartment is small for these country bumpkins!). However, we are quickly learning to cope and adjust our behaviors and our expectations. Relationships are all about compromise, and as long as the love is strong and the compromise doesn’t involve compromising who you truly are, I think it can only serve to strengthen the bond you have with your partner.


Post # 8
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@maReeposa:  I think it’s crazy to NOT be scared of marriage.  Marriage is scary, life-changing stuff!  Don’t beat yourself up for being afraid.

My question for you is about this 10% incompatibility.  Is that 10% deal-breaker stuff, like you don’t agree on how to spend money or whether or not to have kids?  Or is it just stuff where you get into little spats and then laugh it off afterward?  No couples are 100% compatible; my Fiance drives me nutty sometimes.  But we always laugh it off afterward and we’re absolutely stronger and better people together than we are apart.  If that’s how you feel about your fiance, I think you’ll be fine.

Post # 9
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@maReeposa:  Oh my gosh, I had/have exactly the same fears as you listed! Haha. After he proposed I had a knot of worry in my stomach for two weeks, which I wasn’t expecting at all. All I felt was anxiety over the future and the whole permanence of it.

I wrote down all my worries- a whole page of them- and then tried to counteract each worry with something positive. I think it worked because I managed to burn that piece of paper a few weeks later and felt a whole lot better. I’ve been engaged two months now, and I’m finally getting used to the idea. It also helps that we’re not getting married for another two years hah!

I think it’s natural to have those worries, *especially* if you haven’t lived together. Do you have plans to do so before the wedding?

I’ve found that no one talks about their worries pre-marriage, in fact I only told one friend the extent of my anxiety. This creates a false expectation that everything will be perfect and you’ll never have any doubts EVER, and if you do have doubts, you’re with the WRONG man!!! I know that none of my married friends ever expressed doubts before they got married, possibly out of a fear that their relationship would be judged. I also found that if I tried to speak to my family about my nerves they hushed me up and told me to just relax and be happy. That sounds awful (!) but they know that my Fiance and I have a great relationship and that I am a very indecisive person about everything!

SO, I say embrace your fears and chat to the lovely bees on weddingbee and your fiance about what’s bothering you. If you confront what you’re feeling head on rather than suppress the fears, you’ll find them a lot easier to deal with πŸ™‚

It helps if you consider the fact that marriage represents a new chapter in your life, and a death of sorts- a death of your old life and of all the possibilities that could have been. You have to give yourself space to grieve for this! In time, this will lead to an acceptance of your engagement and then excitement towards the future you’ve chosen!

Wow, sorry that was an essay. I guess your post just resonated with me because I haven’t actually expressed my worries in a public place before! Hope my post helped anyway πŸ™‚

Post # 10
847 posts
Busy bee

I think the fear is normal. I’ve been dating my Fiance for years — through college graduations, family deaths, grad school, moving to different houses and different states. We lived together with our own bills, for over a year before we got engaged. I’m not sure much will change when we get married besides our last name (in terms of routine, we know all of each others’ habits) and it’s still scary.

He’s perfect for me and we’re so strong together. But we joke that when we’re 80 and in ‘the home’ together, that we’re still going to have loads to talk about, and keep each other laughing and young. 

Post # 13
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Uh… I’m super scared! It’s normal .. I think? I really don’t think it has much to do with US as a couple now but I can’t seem to shake the divorce rate and the likelihood of all those who are divorced…were so happy planning their wedding like me. It bothers me. I have faith in us and cannot wait to marry my love but it is a fear. Do people give up too quick now or something? I guess only thing you can do is not fear the future and make sure you are on the same page and be true to your vows.

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