(Closed) Love is not enough at times…? advice please

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

It’s tough dealing with economic uncertainty. A lot of couples struggle at first, when you’re young that’s the way it is. One thing you have in your favor is that you say you have the support of your parents – that’s a big advantage. I know some couples who got married while still in college and they got a lot of help from their parents.

If I understand correctly you won’t be getting married until Sept 2011, which should be around the time he graduates in the worst case scenario (Fall 2011). I don’t think you would have a hard time making enough money to survive for the month  or so between wedding and graduation? I mean when he graduates wouldn’t he be getting full time work? It doesn’t seem like a big hurdle to overcome. No secure job and no good income is only temporary and a pretty brief situation, right? Would it be possible to delay your move until the wedding?

Have you talked to your Fiance about this?

 

Post # 4
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I may be way off…  but it doesn’t really sound like your heart is in this.  If this man is your fiance and you wanted to marry him, you should be prepared to go through some rough times, especially in the situation when you both are finishing school and not quite established in your jobs yet… and not thinking about calling off the wedding and/or ending the relationship just cause you don’t know how you two would make ends meet. Like you said, you both are young and just starting out, getting established and more comfortable will  come with time.  You can’t expect that now, but is he the man you want to be with, does he have qualities of a person you want to spend your life with, does he have drive to be sucessful (i think this question is more important than is he successful right NOW at this young age).  Honestly, just from your post, you don’t sound ready for this commitment and relationship if you are thinking about walking already just because it will be “very hard”.  I think you and your Fiance really need to discuss your options and your visions of the future to come to a decision that is best for the both of you.  Good luck… I hope it works for you.

Post # 5
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I might get crap for saying this, but here goes…

I’ve been in LDRs before (not with current FI). One of them, I moved to where he was. At first it was wonderful, but when reality set in, we realized we weren’t really right for each other.  There are lots of things (big and small) that you learn about each other after living together that you just don’t see when you see each other for visits. I’m bringing this up because for me, the first 6 months of living together (after relocating to be with him) were very difficult for both of us–and jobs/money was NOT even part of it because we both had good jobs.   So in my opinion, it may already be a difficult situation just with you moving out there to be with him….and finances/jobs are just going to compound that already difficult situation, especially if you are already feeling unsure about whether to move forward with the wedding.  You’re going to be in a new place with little or no friends & family to turn to, you might go through a period of being homesick….and if you don’t have a job lined up for yourself out there, it might take a little while to find one.

Sure, love is definitely a necessary ingredient for a successful marriage, but I don’t think it’s the only one…you have to believe in that person’s ability to be what you want/need him to be; you have to trust that he is willing to run his fingers through your hair when your face is buried in a pillow because you’re homesick and lonely and missing your family; you have to be understanding while he finishes school (no resentment that he’s not earning the same as you)…By moving out there and marrying him, you are betting on him and your relationship….so if you have faith that you guys have what it takes, then go for it and commit to supporting eachother (emotionally & financially)…but if you have a little bit of doubt, then maybe you should re-think things (maybe put the wedding on hold until he finishes school…but in the mean time, move out there when you finish so that you guys can at least fix the distance problem–it will give you a chance to see what kind of relationship you guys can have without being long-distance).  

Post # 6
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

hi ka393,

Okole Maluna gave an amazing answer. 

My very very simplified answer is —  from your post, I think you already know the answer.  There seem to a a LOT of red flags.  There are two HUGE ones:  1) you’ve never lived in the same place and you will definitely grow more as a couple with that history and 2) you’re obviously having doubts. 

It’s really hard to say to someone you’ve never met that they should reconsider their marriage.  I think that every bride and every groom should be 100000% certain and giddy of their upcoming commitment.  If they’re not – it doesn’t mean break-up…just wait a little while.. be with each other a little longer.  But I think you have all the right knowledge to make the decision best for you.

Good Luck!!

Post # 7
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@pinkshoes: I agree, it sounds like there are more issues besides finances. I think communication with your fiance is very important during this time and figuring out what is best for the both of you. Best of luck in this tough situation.

Post # 8
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

@Ka393:“should call off the wedding and do another two year or in my case I might go to an art school and do full 4 year and more likely will end our relationship

You’re thinking it’s a possibility your relationship will end if you do 4 years of art school?  This is not a promising thought to have.  I think if there is any possibility that your relationship could end, why would you get married?

 

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve been having doubts about our marriage and how we will survive with no secure job specially on his side and no good income

from me, i wish to remind you that there are no guarantees in anything these days and even the most educated and seemingly secure people can end up jobless and in financial strife – but thats part of being in a marriage, there are tough times that you have to step up and work together as a team to get thru

personally i think you need to stand as your own person – you are going from under mom and dads wing to your FI’s without a breath in between

goodluck

 

Post # 11
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Money will always be a possible issue for any couple.  There are rich couples with horrible marriages, and dirt poor ones with great marriages.

Sure, money issues make thigns HARDER but that’s what committment is all about.

I have been with my Fiance for 7 years now and there have been times (we have 3 kids, 2 are mine) where we have not eaten at all so our kids would have food.

There have been times we’ve scraped up change to get gas to get the kids to school.

There have been times that we’ve sold blood plasma to make the rent.

Was it hard?  You bet.  And it brought us even closer together to brave those times as a team.   It would have been much harder without each other to lean on and draw hope!  We’ve always been committed to sticking it out, and after all that, we are finally marrying in March.  We would have married long ago, but in our situation, we weren’t able to legally do so.

We are so much stronger for all we’ve been through!  That’s the whole “for better or for worse” thing. Wink

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