(Closed) love is work sometimes

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

A phrase we learned at Engaged Encounter was “decision to love.”  Sometimes I repeat it in my head over and over again when I am doing something I don’t want to do.

Post # 4
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

It’s work.  Sometimes it’s hard to be lovey-dovey, but it’s important to maintain that portion of our relationship.  I think sometimes when one is stressed out/frustrated, they need that to get them back to normal.  You decide how to act.

Post # 6
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Over the long run, yes love is work.  My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years now, we haven’t had that giddy drunk love feeling in a long time now.  That isn’t what a long term relationship is made of.

Post # 7
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

We printed this C.S. Lewis quote on the backs of our ceremony programs. I think it articulates what you’re getting at.

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.  There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.  You cannot make it the basis of a whole life.  It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.  Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all.  Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feeling come and go.  And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love’ usually does not last.  If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married’, then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were.  Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?  What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friend-ships?  But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love.  Love in this second sense – love as distinct from “being in love’ – is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.  They can have this love for each other even at moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.  They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else.  ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity:  this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.  It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run:  being in love was the explosion that started it.”

Post # 10
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ahh…this is the perfect post for how I’m feeling right now!  I’m rather upset with my Fiance right now and this post helped me remember that I do love the guy and sometimes it takes work to love him.

Post # 11
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

We’ve been out of that stage where everything’s perfect for so long. I remember in 6th grade I had a teacher get married and somehow it came up that couples fight. She told me that her and her husband would “never fight” like they were better than everyone else. A lot of couples we’ve introduced have gotten married too fast and I am now hearing all about the things I tried to tell them for so long. It’s nice to know that we’re on such a comfortable level with one another, yet we still know what love and romance is. My friend posted a FB status the other day that said 

“A marriage is like two people dancing a duet and two solos at the same time.”

Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I too had an argument with the Fiance earlier. I have learned that it helps to just take some quiet time away from each other (for me it’s a couple of hours) until I have calmed down and then I try to sit down and talk to my Fiance and tell him what exactly I am upset about. I also try to repeat to myself that no matter how mad we get at each other in the end we will be ok. 

Post # 14
Member
17 posts
Newbee

@pvaultingirl: Sorry to hear things are a little rough! I’m kind of in the same boat. Boyfriend or Best Friend and I live together and conflict arises. We’ve had a few fights recently and we’re both stubborn and used to being right. But if you’re both willing to work on things, it’ll work out, and after each argument, you’ll be even stronger than you were before. I think even your friends probably fight with their SOs. I’m sure you don’t tell them about every fight you and your Fiance have, and they’re probably the same way!

@iluvadams:

“I also try to repeat to myself that no matter how mad we get at each other in the end we will be ok.”

Thanks for this, you really made me feel better! I’m going to implement your quiet-time-away method!

Post # 15
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t know if that saying is true about being too lovey-dovey to fight for the first 2 (or few) years. My Fiance and I fought tooth and nail almost immediately after we started going out. We lasted without a fight for about 2 months and then BAM!

We are still together and now engaged [obviously], only because even inspite of all that fighting we did, and me making him miserable, (I am ashamed to admit this!), he continued to believe in us and in me. And I took up that same attitude eventually. So we basically knew in the back of our heads ‘this is it. This is my future S.O, whom I will grow old with. And I can see us sitting on our front porches in rocking chairs at 80, talking about everything and nothing. Is this fight even worth it?’ Usually isn’t…

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