Post # 1
My Fiance and I went to engaged encounter a few weeks ago. During this we learned about the 5 different love languages. We discovered that my love languages were not really being met. We promised to work on fulfilling each other’s love languages, but I feel like he’s forgotten about all of it already.
Basically, we enjoy spending quality time together-but that means two different things to us. To him, it means watching TV together. To me, it means going to the beach, going on a hike, going to a museum-activities were we interact. I’ve been bugging him to take me back to this one place that we’ve gone to 2 years ago. TWO years ago! He just brushes it off. It’s a 15 minute drive away. And, it’s free.
He’s a great guy. I know he loves me, but I’m so sick of watching TV all the time. I’ve stopped hinting about wanting to do things after engaged encounter. I told him flat out to romance me and take me to the beach because that’s quality time to me. I haven’t mentioned it after EE though. Should I just tell him, ‘Hey, we’re going to the beach today!’ or what?
He has a very stressful job, works very long shifts, and it’s labor intensive. So am I the one being selfish for asking to do these things?
Post # 3
I think it depends on how he reacts when you suggest stuff. Is he enthusiastic about going to the beach or whatever and then just doesn’t follow through? Or is he super opposed to doing anything but staying in? If the first thing is true, then I’d go ahead and plan something and then just tell him, “We’re going to the beach on Saturday!” (Or, if he doesn’t mind being spontaneous, “We’re going today!”) He might just be overwhelmed with work stuff and not able to add the stress of planning anything else — even if it seems to you like there’s no real planning involved!
If he’s really not enthusiastic about doing things, that’s tougher. Can you have a serious talk with him? Not “Here’s what I need you to do for me” but “I see that you aren’t psyched about my suggestions, and I want us to do things that make us both happy” and try to find out if he just doesn’t like what you want to do, or if he’s wiped out from work and doesn’t feel like he can do anything but veg. When you’re stressed, everything can look stressful! Though if the root of it all is that he’s stressed at work, he might not realize that getting out and doing something on the weekend could be good for him.
Post # 4
You are not being selfish. And since he has a very stressful job most likely he’s watching TV just to veg out for stress relief (which a lot of guys do). So, there is nothing really wrong with what either of you needs or wants. But the key here is to compromise so that all of both of your valid needs get met. Let him know how much you understand how important his work is, how difficult and stressful it is and how much you are concerned for his well-being. Nothing is wrong with watching TV but I can see how eventually you would get bored with it. Don’t put him down for it, but just let him know that because you love him so much you’re longing for some alone-romantic time with him. The beach sounds easy and pleasant enough that he should be happy to do it with you if it makes you happy. When he does go, make it a really fun time for him and he’ll be more likely to want to join you again.
Post # 5
@ happypup: It’s the first. When I used to mention it, he would go ‘oh, yeah’ and then nothing would happen. He’s really good with the big romantic stuff, but not the weekly stuff. Maybe I should just take is phone and write some plans in there 🙂
@ Sunfire: I think he is vegging out. All.The.Time. It’s fine and all in moderation, but it does get so boring for me. We always have so much fun together. At home, or going out. One of the reasons we work so well together-it’s like life become an adventure 🙂
I’m glad you ladies are so understanding and supportive. Thank you!
Post # 6
@Peony007: Once you get him out there, moving around and having fun, he’ll probably be very thankful you got him out of a rut, lol . . .
Post # 7
Maybe you could start by making a list of small and big things you would like to do together and either give it to him and say “maybe you could choose one small thing a week and one big thing a month for us to do together” -or- make the list and just implement the activities yourself around his schedule
Post # 8
We also did the love languages assessment in premarital counseling.
My Fiance and I are similar to you two except switched: I’m okay with just hanging around, and he wants to get out and DO. I know for me, it’s work to figure out things to do, but I like going along with plans that Fiance makes. I’d say it’s something that your man can work on doing better, but you showing him and directly telling him “this is what I want” can help.