(Closed) Love, Marriage and Porn

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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collegebee :  shame on you! This is victim blaming! You wouldn’t say to someone dating an alcoholic that they told their boyfriend a few beers is ok so it’s their fault their boyfriend is an alcoholic. This is an addiction as any other. OP I wouldn’t call of the marriage quite yet if he’s interested in therapy, and everything else is good.  I’d say postpone and see how it goes. Let him know you won’t marry if it continues to be a problem and know you’re in for some work. If that’s not something you’re ready for then yes, do call it off. But don’t blame yourself. Telling him it’s not ok from the start likely would have just made him be sneaky about it.

Post # 32
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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msdenverbee :  I agree we should never blame victims but is that really what the OP is here…? She’s a victim because her BF is addicted to porn? That’s a little extreme to say. Are SOs of overweight people victims too? Food is an addiction. She is free to leave him which she is considering doing and what might be best for her to do. I wouldn’t try to equate having a porn addicted boyfriend to, say, someone who got raped or who is being abused by their SOs. That’s what people normally mean when they bring up the word “victim blaming.” Because those women actually had a wrong done to them.

Post # 33
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was psyched that I was mistaken for 19 and liked teen porn either. It’s more about sexism than being pedo adjacent. To me, when I’m mistaken for being much younger or when I mistake other women for much younger, it’s not a compliment. It’s usually because they come off immature or inexperienced. Women are not wrinkly and withered at 25, but they are old enough to know their own minds. That’s the difference. Being excited that you are mistaken for a teen in tandem with having a teen porn problem that is interferinf with real sex indicates harmful beliefs about the importance of youth in how society values women. Let’s be real: “teen” is popular because teen girls are naive, pliable, innocent, not powerful. These beliefs are popular and common to our society, yes, but they are beliefs that I would nonetheless not accept in a partner. Even on a basis of just taste, I’m not here for an adult man that finds some dumb teenage girl hotter than a grown and sexy, self-possessed woman. 

Post # 34
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Porn can become an addiction for some and if that happens – it does not matter how great you are or how great you look – you will never measure up.  My ex was addicted to porn and it was HORRIBLE.  It was humiliating and when I thought I had seen the worst – it would go deeper and uglier.  What thrills him today may not be enough to thrill him later… Lust is a sorry compromise for Love but for some, it takes a lifetime to figure that out.  Please please please look closely at what and who you are about to commit yourself to.  I am speaking from experience here.

Post # 38
Member
47 posts
Newbee

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summerbee28 :  This situation you’re in just plain sucks and I absolutely feel for you. It is easier said than done. I have had relationships end when it was suddenly revealed the person I was with actually didn’t respect me, or had been concealing some total dealbreaking belief, and your situation brings to mind those circumstances. Many times I let it continue as I bargained with myself.

Sadly, I think the man-suddenly-reveals-devastating-sexism/creepiness/beliefs about women thing happens to women all the time. I’ve had many male acquaintances that seem great and then they just say or do something appallingly sexist or creepy and it’s like “Oh.” Let alone a man who is already a partner. All I can say is that what you learned would disturb me the same as it disturbed you. Even if it’s common, you have a right to find it disturbing and with good reason. Especially if it’s your gut talking.

I wish you the best and you deserve the best. 

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