Love my bridesmaid but I don’t want her there

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
96 posts
Worker bee

Can you let her know ahead of what events will be planned for your bachelorlette party and let her decide whether she is comfortable attending? She can go to certain events and skip others?

Post # 4
5814 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

On_Cloud_9 :  what specifically do you want her to not know about? I’m sure even though she doesn’t drink she knows there will be a lot at your bachelorette.

Post # 5
47 posts
  • Wedding: July 2015

If you don’t want your sister-in-law to even know about it, are you sure it is a good idea to do it?

Post # 6
4735 posts
Honey bee

Well, then those are things you maybe should consider not appropriate in any context for anyone if you feel the need to hide it.  If you’re ashamed of it or fearful of the consequences of someone in your life finding out, you probably shouldn’t be doing it all.  It isn’t that hard to not do something…there are literally thousands of things you can do at a party for your choosing.  Pick an alternate activity.  Or reconsider your relationship with this person, which is much harder now that she’ll be family and you decided to make her part your wedding party.

Your options are pretty much…

1. Pick an alternate activity.  If you simply can’t own that you enjoy a particular activity, you shouldn’t do it.  There is a good chance she’ll hear about it from someone somewhere eventually.  Hiding very rarely works out well.

2. Don’t invite her, potentially hurt her feelings and the relationship with someone who will be your family, and explain to her that there are parts of your life you have to hide from her because you assume she won’t approve and is incapable of open-mindedness and acceptance of other people’s life choices.

3.  Be upfront with her and respect that she is an adult who can make decisions best for herself and hopefully conduct herself in a manner that respects how you choose to live your life.  Explain that there will be X, Y, and Z activities and that you understand if she only wants to come to part but she’s welcome at all.  Then if she is comfortable with it, you learn to be as well.  If you still can’t come to terms with her knowing whatever this is, then own it and discuss those feelings like two respectful adults so she understands.

Post # 7
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sober bee over here. What are you worried about? I too take my sobriety seriously, it’s in support of my husband but alcohol gives me anxiety, which I know isn’t the case for everyone or most people for that matter. Because I know that, I know social gatherings typically are going to involve drinking, and that’s okay! As long as those around me also respect my sobriety, I still have a great time. I’ve been to several bachelorette parties and had just as much fun as everyone else. Honestly, I would be hurt if I wasn’t invited simply because I was sober. 

Based on your original post and a reply it sounds like there’s more to this so it’s hard to say what you should do. Having siblings be part of your wedding party can be tricky. 

Post # 8
1256 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, it sounds like you want to do illegal drugs. 

There isn’t a way to accomplish your actual goal…which is to exclude her so you can behave in ways you don’t want her to know about, for whatever reason, without causing hurt feelings. Tone down your party or give her a heads up on the itinerary so she can choose whether or not to attend. 

Post # 9
7448 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you’re hiding what you’re planning to do, maybe your plans are not that good. 

Post # 10
653 posts
Busy bee

I mean, are they very religious and would be offended by seeing you visibly drunk? 

Or are you planning to snort rails off a stripper? 

Depending on where you’re going with this, I’d be wary of following through on your original bachelorette plans. Family is way more important than having as debauched a party as possible.

Post # 11
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

On_Cloud_9 :  I feel like you don’t be want her there because you want to do something she’d obviously not approve of outside of drinking…. and I want to I know what it is. Haha. You’re pretty much anonymous with only 2 posts so you should just tell us. 

Post # 12
10106 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Why do you have to hide what your doing from your SIL?

Are you secretly junkies? Swingers? What gives?

Post # 13
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

On_Cloud_9 :. Not gonna lie bee it sound skeevy don’t do it the drugs.


Post # 14
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My brother’s girlfriend (a bridesmaid) came to my bachelorette party. There were strippers. I got a lap dance. She took snapchat video of it and sent it to my brother. DEF not something I wanted my brother to see and I’m still annoyed she sent it to him, and he never wanted to see it or know about it either, but in the end it’s not a big enough deal that anyone cares anymore. If what you’re doing is a big enough deal that your sister in law knowing would ruin a relationship then I agree you should maybe not do it at all…

Post # 15
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think you should invite her and find some other time to engage in whatever activities are too taboo to be mentioned.  But, in my mind, a bachelorette party is a time to celebrate your upcoming marriage with your bridesmaids and close female friends/family-  not as much a time for the bride to engage in the worst behaviors she can dream up.  If your friend group really wants to give you a night of drugs or sex or (I seriously have no idea what you are into here), maybe they can plan it as an unofficial event that is not the official bachelorette party.  Have a SIL-friendly party as your official party, so you don’t exclude her.

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