Love my bridesmaid but I don’t want her there

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

I’d make sure there are fun daytime activities, and make it clear to her that the nighttime part is where erryone is gonna party hard. She’s more inclined to just bow out of the nighttime part if the daytime part has more substance. 

In general I think she’d be awkward seeing you dance or do anything remotely sexual with anyone else. Heck, she’d probably feel awkward if it was your fiance. If she insists on going to the nighttime portion, is there a girl of yours you can task with cockblocking you?

Post # 33
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

On_Cloud_9 :  If you want to keep your open relationship secret, making out with randoms when you’re obviously the bride to be is a great way to get outed on social media so I’d avoid it regardless.  

Being drunk doesn’t make someone compulsively make out with strangers as I’m sure you’ve refrained at company events, family parties, anniversary dinners, etc.  I think you need to be honest and admit this is more about your vision of your bachelorette and not you being unable to drink without hooking up with randoms.  You do you, but don’t blame it on alcohol.

Post # 35
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee

I went to my DH’s cousins bachlorette party and the Maid/Matron of Honor had questions about her sex life with her Fiance. It didn’t bother me one bit… If I saw her kissing another guy I probably would have side eyed her fer sure and maybe told my Darling Husband… But I am not sure it would have gotten any further then that.
My vote is to invite her to the day time activities so she still feels included and then imply how much partying will be going on and you understand how she may not want to come. She may still want to, hopefully she will leave early before you get wasted and start making the moves on anyone, but if she does stay the whole time hopefully your friends will be able to keep an eye on you and prevent you from making out with anyone….
I will say most bachelorette parties that I have gone too
have been just all about spending time with your friends and enjoying their company so I am not sure how that would translate to making out with a random but if it’s normal for your group of friends to end up in that situation that I would definitely try to convince your SIL to not go to the night activities.

Post # 37
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee

On_Cloud_9 :  I don’t think hooking up with a random person you find attractive and getting  a lap dance from a professional stripper is a fair comparison. And if the situation was the other way around I think you would be getting same advice. 

while i do respect your choise to have an open relationship and not wanting to share with your family. I just don’t undestand how difficult or how much restraint you have to show for not hooking up one night that is your bachelorette party. The night can still he fun and  it’s not like it is the last night you will go out. 

but I think you already have a game plan 🙂

Post # 38
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

You have four options:

1) Invite her and behave however you like. She’ll think you’re cheating on your Fiance.

2) Invite her and sensor your behaviour. You say this will ruin your fun.

3) Don’t invite her. She may be confused as to why you’ve done this, and it could cause offense.

4) Have a conversation with her beforehand explaining the arrangement between you and your Fiance. She can choose whether or not she wants to attend in light of this information.

Post # 39
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Well, not all bachelor parties are strippers and lap dances. My husband went camping and tubing with his friends. Neither of us would have been ok with a bachelor/bachelorette party with strippers and lap dances. Not our idea of a fun time. Why did you pick this girl as a bridesmaid knowing you didn’t want her anywhere near the bachelorette party? It’s incredibly rude to exclude her. My sil did the same thing to me and I’m still salty about it 18 years later. Can’t you just have a bachelorette that doesn’t involve making out with strangers and then have another unofficial big night out with your friends that are into all that?

Post # 40
Member
1996 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Bee sil will know you hinting her not to come!Can you have sex with random another time? 

Post # 41
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not under the impression that OP intends to have sex with anyone. This sounds more like sexy dance floor dancing or making out. I have friends who tend to do this regularly even with people they don’t find attractive, and their SOs are generally fine with it if that’s all it is. 

Post # 42
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

<u>On_Cloud_9 :</u>  O I completely understand your lifestyle we are that way as well but we also understand there is a time and a place for it, with or without alcohol. Sometimes including people and making a conscious choice to keep your self in check is the best idea. I also did not say your life choice was sad what I stated was your possible inability to try and keep things vanilla for one night in order to include your future sister in law is sad.

As per your comment about strippers at batcholor parties, that is a hired proffessional womem/man who is making a living by dancing for said individual, not a stranger that you are kissing in a public setting, and you are advertising the fact you are a future bride. Who is to say you are not going to be in a setting where someone who knows your Fiances is and they are unaware of the arrangment you both have and that person wont make a scene not reliazing its ok. Restraint is not always a bad thing.

Post # 43
Member
12684 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I have an equal opportunity distaste for stereotypical bachelor and bachelorette parties and reject the one last hurrah philosophy. In most cases it’s been a very long time since the person was single in any legitimate  sense. Not that that is an excuse for bad behavior in the context of a monogamous relationship 

In your case I especially fail to see the urgency or point since your lifestyle is apparently not changing for marriage. Not to mention hooking up with complete strangers is dangerous. 

Post # 44
Member
10121 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Have two bachelorette parties. A PC one your SIL can attend and then one that only your friends know about another time that isn’t advertised as a bachelorette.

Post # 45
Member
700 posts
Busy bee

I find this so disgusting. Not your lifestyle, I most definitely do not agree with it,  but to each their own.

Im more appauled that you cannot even control yourself for one night for the sake of your FI’s family  – this should not even be up for discussion. Have a bachlorette party with your SIL and control yourself for one night.    Then go out with your friends another night since they all share this lifestyle.  

 

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