Love my DH but spark is gone

posted 7 days ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like you’ve already approached some of the medical/physical possibilities with your doctor so maybe it’s time to speak to a therapist. They would help you see if perhaps there are other mental/emotional concerns at play. A few things, though. Do you feel cared for? Does your husband make you feel appreciated and noticed outside of the bedroom? When you guys are intimate, is he taking the time to focus on you and allow for lots of foreplay? These things are important too. 

Post # 4
Member
8 posts
Newbee

How do you feel about him? Your post focuses on issues you’ve had in your past, which are definitely valid reasons, but I might also be worth looking at whether he plays a part – and what you could work on together to change that. 

I found myself with no sex drive towards the end of my last relationship, which is strange because I’ve always had a fairly healthy sex drive. I found the way I looked at my partner had changed. On a rational level, I loved him, but on a physical/emotional level something had changed. This might sound weird, but his smell no longer smelled good to me.

Towards the end of that, I took stock of everything that was going on in the relationship, and everything we could work on to change that. I ultimately decided it wasn’t worthwhile and that I wasn’t willing to put in the work. 

Not to say that is the answer for you – that just my experience. But I think that if you want to stay, there’s going to be some work to do for both of you. If you can’t afford counselling, maybe there’s someone you trust who can be a sounding board?

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

This happened to me, but in all honestly, it ended up being a symptom of a much bigger issue is my marriage.  

And im not saying that’s your issue, but it definitely could be any of the outside factors that you named.

Post # 6
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I know you say you can’t afford the out of pocket expense of a therapist but if you want your marriage to survive you have to find a way to afford it. Scrimp and save, let hubby know both of you need to set money aside for therapy for yourself because your sex issues are detrimental to your marriage and top priority now is seeking help for those. Where theres a will there’s a way. 

Post # 7
Member
965 posts
Busy bee

Bee, your post resonates with me, as I’ve used the very same words and phrases to describe how I feel about sex. Foreplay “feels like a chore” for me as well (giving OR receiving), and I just want him to “do the deed” so I can go downstairs and do my own thing. It’s an awful feeling, so I commiserate with you completely. I’ve also gained some weight since I met my husband, and like you I’ve wondered if that has something to do with my extreme drop in libido. 

On the other hand, I’m almost 38 and my libido started to drop dramatically at 36 or so, which is probably normal to SOME degree. But I was a WILD WOMAN at 30! I wasn’t in a very, very long-term relationship like you are, though, and I imagine that makes a world of difference. 

Honestly, I have very little advice–just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I understand that counseling may just NOT be a possibility right now, so you’ve gotta find some other solutions. (Counseling isn’t necessarily a solution anyway; you may not jive with the counselor, and you may not have money to shop around for new ones until you find the one who works.) I guess the only thing that’s worked in my relationship is that I just tell myself that I need to “take one for the team” once a week because I love my husband and my relationship, and I’m happy to sacrifice my time laying around watching TV for something so important. 

Oh, and WHILE we’re doing it, I try to get as into it asmuch as I possibly can: I use a vibrator, I talk dirty, I smack his ass (teehee!)–overall, I try to make it passionate and good. That way, if we don’t have sex very often, at least when we DO it’s really good for him. That keeps him satiated longer, and we don’t need to have sex as often. Even when I was young and had a raging libido, even *I* didn’t need as much sex if the sex I was getting was fuckin’ GOOD. It seems to work similarly in this situation. 🙂

Good luck with this, Bee! I know it’s difficult.

Post # 8
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

After reading your past posts, I understand where you are at. 

Post # 9
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Maybe try different kinds of sex more suited to women/emotional needs like tantric sex?  This is one of the reasons people say marriage is hard.  You’re going to hit road bumps, you just have to work as a team to get through them.

Post # 12
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

If you have no interest in sex and he does, you are no longer compatible.  

Have you thought about allowing him to have sex outside of the relationship?  

Post # 14
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

And honestly, I’m not blaming you for your lack of interest in sex.  I understand you have a lot going on physically and emotionally surrounding the idea of sex. 

However, to some people sex is a very important part of life and if your Husband is one of those people and his needs aren’t getting met, it will take it’s toll on your marriage.

 

 

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