Love my DH but spark is gone

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee

anon0716 :  I have to say that your past trauma could very well be an issue and I agree that therapy might help. It also could be a medical issue such as low thyroid or something along those lines. But if pro help is not in the cards then here is another suggestion. Try to rediscover your sexuality. Watch porn, touch yourself, etc. focus on enjoying the sensations don’t focus on having an orgasm. This is a time for you to make yourself feel good. Once you start to enjoy yourself then bring your husband in. Also, get dressed up and go out. Find a dress you feel confident and sexy in. Buy your husband a new outfit or even new cologne. Have a few glasses of red wine. You’re putting so much pressure on yourself to be the perfect sexual partner. Try to have fun with yourself, then him. 

Post # 21
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

sharpshooter :  Or it’s asking for more trouble than they’ve already got. 

anon0716 :  Unfortunately I don’t have any advice but I do understand where you’re coming from. My SO and I have been together for almost two years and my sex drive has gone down so much since the beginning of our relationship. 

Like yourself, and a few others here, I too have gained weight since our relationship began so that very well could be at least part of all of our issue! Aside from that, though, there were times at the beginning of our relationship where I would want it and he wouldn’t (I was making more money than him at the time and he honestly didn’t want sex that much) and he would turn me down. It took a serious toll on my *very* healthy sex drive and little by little it just decreased to where I just don’t even want it anymore. (Which honestly bothers me because, now that he’s back to making more money, his drive has returned to normal but I can’t seem to get my “sexy” back.)

I know that it’s soon to become an issue with us as I’ve been putting off having it for a while now. I guess I just want to let you know that you’re not alone! There’s nothing wrong with you – even though I’m super guilty of feeling that way sometimes.

I know therapy is expensive but I honestly think it would benefit you in getting in touch with what’s really going on with your sex drive. General solo therapy might be good for coming to terms with your past trauma but a couples sex therapist might help too.

I really, really wish you the best!

Post # 22
Member
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

anon0716 :  Are you on any form of hormonal birth control? I got an IUD and about 9 months in, my sex drive plummeted. It’s a fairly common side affect. I had a similar issue in my past relationship, but I was feeling very unloved and emotionally neglected in the relationship, so it makes sense to me that I didn’t feel like connecting intimately. 

If your doctor has run blood work and all your levels are fine, it could be psychological. How you feel about yourself will affect your drive, so if you’ve gained weight or are feeling self-conscious, that could be it. I know when I don’t feel good about my body, I don’t want anyone to see it even if I know Fiance loves me just as I am. Exercise has helped my libido. Are you eating well and taking vitamins? When I’m not getting the right nutrition, I feel sluggish and lazy which definitely affects my drive. 

I would suggest finding a regular therapist to help you get to the root of the issue. I don’t think a sex therapist is necessary at this point. I know other bees have recommended Talk Space for a low-cost online counseling option, that might be worth looking into. Good luck to you!

Post # 24
Member
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

anon0716 :  I totally understand being too tired to work out. Working out gives me energy, I like to say I don’t have enough energy to SKIP workouts. Maybe start with something small, a 10 min workout from Pinterest or something. I know I feel like an entirely new person when I’m looking after myself. It couldn’t hurt to try!

Post # 25
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

I’d suggest a few things. Get a different opinion from another doctor on what could be causing your low sex drive bc that is young to lose all interest. Talk to a therapist about your past and work through that. Even if that doesn’t help your sexual drive it will make you an overall more healthy person so it’s not a waste. 

For now I would also suggest you initiate with your hubby once a month. My boyfriend doesn’t want sex as often as I do, but he initiates it for me because he knows it means a lot to me. It doesn’t take much effort on your part to do that for your husband once a month to make him feel wanted in my opinion. Maybe also explore ways of being intimate that don’t involve sex. Because the last thing you want is to grow apart and not be able to get it back. Sprinkle some romance in there to keep it alive while you figure out what is going on with you. 

anon0716 :  

Post # 26
Member
2787 posts
Sugar bee

anon0716 :  

I don’t have any good advice except to say that you maybe need to go back to your doctor and see a therapist. PCOS and low-sex drive are linked. If your doctor is unhelpful then ask for a second opinion from an endocrinologist. A therapist may be able to discuss any fears about sex you may have because of your past experience of rape.

In the meantime do try to continue to be affectionate, in bed and out of it. Lots of naked hugging in bed and lots of clothed hugging at other times. Make sure you go for hand-in-hand walks and spend as much time with each other as possible.

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