(Closed) love/money

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This is just occurring to you after 7 years?

Post # 3
75 posts
Worker bee

This sounds like a deep underlying issue that you need to communicate about before getting married. Premarital counseling would be a great idea.

Post # 4
46675 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

guestlistwoes:  Clearly it’s not his drive or ambition that you love.

What is it about this lazy lout that makes you want to marry him?

How does he make your life better?

Post # 5
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I dont think it’s unwise or materialistic AT ALL to consider someone’s ambition, work ethic, responsibility and financial circumstances/habits when considering them as a life partner- so yeah I get you. But I do not get why youd expect an expensive ring or lifestyle with this guy…

He’s used to relying on you- you’ve given him the option to be “jobless by choice” it sounds. He’s probably perfectly comfy like this and people do notttttt change just because they’re married.

If you want a guy who’s gung ho about supporting, bread winning, providing for a family- then yeah, don’t marry this guy. Loves not enough- life is hard. You want someone you can rely on- not a dead weight. 

Post # 6
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

guestlistwoes:  is he the nurturing, domestic type that would make him a perfect stay at home parent? Or is he unambitious both inside and outside the home?

Not sure what it is you’re expecting from him

Post # 7
11422 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Not making more than $50K at 29 is certainly not a crime.  There are many people in this world who will not ever make that kind of money.  However, if your Fiance is being very irresponsible with his employment situations, that definitely would concern me.

You noted that he’s quit the last two jobs he has had. Have any of his reasons for quitting been valid, or is he quitting jobs simply because he does not like them or they’re “too hard”? (Many people have had to spend years  in jobs they do not like just so they can support themselves and their families.) How much time has he been willing to give a job before deciding it’s not for him? How soon after he’s quit a job has he made efforts to find a new one? How long has it taken him to find a new job? How does he spend his time when he is unemployed?

Post # 8
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

Have you had a discussion with him? Tell him that working is essential. I do agree with you that working and making a living, is important in a partnership. And if you 2 did not agree to something along the lines of you being the only individual in the relationship to work & support you both, he needs to get his butt in gear. I don’t agree however with the whole ring size being inadequate because it’s not up to a certain standard. That ring was chosen out of love. What material things we have do not define our wealth. Yor 2 should really communicate more about what each of you needs in the relationship. Best of luck.<br />

Post # 9
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

guestlistwoes:  do you guys live together? if so, did he discuss quitting his jobs with you before? These are adult discussions that affect both parties. If he can’t discuss openly and both you decide together how it will affect the relationship he is not ready for marraige. At 29 and after 7 years, I’m guessing that you have enabled some if this behavior and must accept done if the blame. 

If it were me, it’s not too late to change it around if you truly love him and can’t live without him and not just choosing someone for a lifestyle. 

Postpone any wedding plans until 1) he gets a steady job and 2) you both seek counseling and communication classes. I think once both of those have been accomplished you will then resize what you truly want and whether to move forward. 

Post # 11
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

So he quits one job before finding another (a decision you came to together) and wont make more than 50k/yr. 

Basically, you could have summed up your entire post into one sentence – you don’t like being the breadwinner. 

Now you have to decide whether you love him more than you hate being the breadwinner. Which is more important to you? Your relationship with your current partner, or having a partner with a higher income? 

Post # 12
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I wouldnt be happy with someone who had no ambition. I don’t know what adult in the real world quits a job without another lined up.. But I guess when someone else will financially support him while he acts irresponsibly it’s all good.

what I don’t understand is how this is just occurring to you after 7 years together.. 

Post # 14
5958 posts
Bee Keeper

guestlistwoes:  He sounds like he can’t commit to one job sounds like an ex of mine.  However, he’s only 29, what did he study in college or major in?  What are his goals and ambitions?  I know you say he doesn’t have any, but everyone has them, some just feel they can never accomplish them and just don’t have the drive, or necessary means to.  For example, I want to be a writer, but at my stage in life, I just don’t have the means to focus solely on writing, so I got a good paying job (far less than you FH’s 50K job, by the way) and use that to pay the bills and when I get the chance write.

I’m the breadwinner in my husband and I’s relationship, I make more than him, however he does most of the childcare and household related things.  So I don’t mind, but that’s how we set it up.  Does this mean we want to forever have me as the breadwinner, working opposite schedules so that our daughter can stay out of daycare? No, but we do what works.  We will evnetually have better paying jobs that we like or bring us closer to our real amibition, but we have this drive.  We have talked about future plans.  Sit your FH down and talk to him about this.  Have you talked to him about this?

Is there any specific reason he doesn’t like staying in one job?  My husband’s had the same job for nearly 5 years. I’ve worked at the same place for over 5 years (different positions).  Clearly neither my husband or I suffer from job jumping, but we stay in our jobs becuase we need to pay bills.

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