- 3 years ago
Ok, so you are treating everything he’s doing as if it’s completely normal and it’s not. This tells me that you probably attract narcissists, and so you’re used to this cycle. Except, it doesn’t sound like you’ve run up against a truly SMOOTH narcissist before, because you were completely brought in by his love-bombing.
He love-bombed you until he got you to give in and become vulnerable, then he started becoming less and less loving and a little more judgmental, a little more gas-lighty here and there until you’ve reach this breaking point. Because you sound like you have a lot of healthy self-esteem, and a fairly good amount of standard and expectations.
If you’re not careful, he’s going to start chipping away at all of those things. VERY carefully. Stating a 5-year “rule” and waiting to see if you’re going to give in and stay is his power move. If you give in and stay, he now knows he’s in control, and that your standards and expectations (and even, eventually, your self-esteem) are negotiable.
Does this guy have a problem admitting when he’s wrong? Listening to your point of view? Does he get defensive a lot, increasingly so lately? Does he turn the table on you? (obviously he does – talling you it’s YOUR fault he doesn’t want to talk about marriage and kids is classic table turning.)
Is his logic like shifting sands? Does he withdraw emotionally when he’s mad at you to “teach you a lesson”?
Are you begining to feel a little bit like a thoughtless child whose father-like boyfriend needs to point out her emotionality and lack of logic and guide her behavior?
Please read up on narcissism, love-bombing, and gaslighting: http://queenbeeing.com/narcissists-soulmate-scam-identifying-love-bomber/
And ABSOLUTELY read The Human Magnet Syndrome.
If you want to have kids within the next 5 years, you don’t have time to keep falling for these losers. They know how to fake loving someone just enough to ensnare them, but around the 6-10 month mark, their mask starts slipping and something starts to feel “off” about the relationship. Your self-esteem starts to falter, you feel less and less loved, their abusive tendencies (need to control) come out more and more. The problem is, they don’t know how to ACTUALLY love anyone. So once you’ve identified them, you HAVE to move on. You can’t save them, you can’t change them, you won’t be the special one who opens up their heart.
And kind of just as an aside, he also sounds a little like a MRA/PUA. Google it with the term “holding frame,” and it sounds just like what he’s doing with the 5-year rule, not “allowing” you to discuss children, and giving you tasks to achive before things can move forward.
I’m telling you – you can’t see it right now b/c you’re in love with him, but he’s scum. Start the process of unblinding yourself.