Post # 1
My SO and I have been together for almost 3 years and at first, as with any relationship it was hot and heavy, usually every time we saw each other for the first 3 months and then probably twice a week for the next 9 months after that. In the second year, the first six months was about once a week but then it dwindled to once every two weeks by the second six months and now its about once a month… We’ve both gained weight (a good deal of weight – probably 15 pounds for me and maybe 30 for him) and I know he is feeling self-conscious… When we get drunk, he often mentions how he knows we should be having sex more and its his fault but that its cause of the weight gain.
To be honest the lack of sex itself doesn’t really bother me, its not like i ever really want it and I get denied, although I would be happy with once a week or once every two weeks as it would just feel more “normal”?
I think things do ebb and flow and we’re just in a slow stage and hopefully with some diet and exercise things will rev back up a bit more. but I guess my question is, if it doesn’t really bother me and if it doesnt really bother him (i dont know if it does or not, but it seems like what he’s apologizing for is not doing it enough for me) is there a problem?
I do think sex is very important in a relationship, but if we’re both ok with it, is that ok or should there be some consensus like you should have sex once a week, period, kinda thing?
Thoughts? much appreciated.
Post # 3
I think the frequency of sex should be determined by the couple. Some couples need to do it every day, some once a week, and some less than that. If it’s mutual, then it’s what works for your relationship!
Maybe have a conversation about what he was saying about it being ‘his fault’, though. It sounds like he is self conscious, and may need you to help him express what he is feeling.
Post # 4
Thanks I think by his fault all he’s saying is he hasnt initiated as much as he used to (i generally don’t as it is). Also everything else in our relationship is great – we have great emotional intimacy and hold hands, cuddle, kiss, etc. all the time, so none of that stuff is lacking…
Post # 5
@Marryanne007: intimacy is an important part of the relationship but that does not necessarily mean penetration. it sounds like you enjoy just touching (cuddling, kissing, etc). if the two of you are on the same page as far as frequency, i think that’s good. you may want to try boosting your energy by going for walks together, biking, golfing, whatever. this may help with the low sex drive for both of you. have you tried having a date night once a week? how about a romantic picnic on your living room floor?
Post # 6
If you’re both happy in the relationship then yes, of course it is OK! I think the post-modern condition of talking about anything and everything relating to sex puts undue pressure on some of us. Like we SHOULD be doing something more than we are or whatever. Just focus on you and don’t compare to what you THINK is “normal.”
Post # 7
I think if you’re both okay with it then no harm done.
Post # 8
There are times where Fiance and I are super okay with a low sex drive for about a week or so. After awhile it’ll eventually get to one or both of us. We talk about it openly though and never dismiss our needs. We are both sexual people, but lately we’ve both been kind of blah due to certain things in our life (unemployment = Fiance going crazy; working at my job = me exhausted). It doesn’t mean we aren’t attracted to one another or don’t want it. Sex after not having it for awhile is AMAZING! It’s always intense for us.
Post # 9
@Marryanne007: I am so happy you asked this cause me and my Fi are the same way.
Post # 10
As long as both parties are on board= no problem.
Post # 11
Completely scared someone I know will find this, but honestly, lots of sex does NOT equal intimacy.
My SO and I are working on a startup business and our average is much less than once a week, but we do spend every night cuddling, massaging eachothers scalps, etc.
We barely get 5 hours of sleep a day and we’re always exhausted, and eating out has made us super unfit, which is our excuse. I completely get how some weight gain can cause such a change in your relationship patterns.
Completely mutual and completely normal, hunny, no need to worry over it 🙂
Post # 12
Totally fine! So long as both people are satisfied, there is no set amount of sex that is “normal”. Do what works for both of you!
Post # 13
I agree with the other posters above – if it’s working for you, then it’s ok! My SO and I currently have sex about twice a month. It’s weird. It works for us because we are both super busy, and we have occasional check-ins with each other about how we are feeling about it. From time to time we’ve revved it up in response to one of these talks, and that’s been good too.
Have you had a sober, sit-down talk with your SO about this? Can be super awkward but it is better than just wondering if everyone is on the same page. If you both decide you want to up the amount maybe you could talk about what you can do to get each other in the mood. If you’re busy like us it can be easy to just overlook even the little stuff. For example, I know my SO has tried to put more effort into telling me I look good when he notices – sometimes my body image gets a little out of whack and that affects my sex drive so it helps. Likewise, I try to make the first thing I do when I walk in the door be give him a hug and a kiss and genuinely express interest in how his day was (rather than vent about something at work as I am wont to do) because when I am cranky it makes him on edge and pushes him away. But that’s just us.
Take home message, don’t worry about what people “should” do, but pay attention to what you both want. Open communication, etc.
Post # 14
Sounds like you’ve already got some great advice. I agree, too. Sex does not always equal love… sometimes loving your spouse is simply being there with them when they need you. If both people are okay with little sex, I say you’re fine. Most red-blooded married couples do not have sex every time they brush their teeth, regardless of what hollywood tries to tell you! 😉 I think it’s normal.
Post # 15
@Marryanne007: i think that you may need relationship counseling because it sounds like this lack of sex drive is coming from body insecurity
Post # 16
If you’re both ok with it, then it should be ok.