(Closed) Lurker's first post: I have a situation.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you want to stay with your Fiance, you have two choices.

1. You tell your Fiance, and run the risk of killing his relationship with you and with his brother, or have him take the high road, go through counseling with you, and you and the brother promise it will never happen again, and keep that promise.

2. You don’t tell him.  You run the risk of him finding out some day, and being even more hurt or betrayed than he would be if he found out now.

Do you want to stay with him?  I feel like there should be more to this story – a few drinks and all of a sudden you’re having sex with his brother?  With no prior flirtation or attraction?  Something does not add up.

Post # 4
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I do not see how this could have happened if you are truely with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. A few drinks shouldn’t be the cause of something like this. I think you have to tell your Fiance. He might leave or he might not, but either way it is something he needs to decide before you two get married. I am a big believer in the fact that this sort of stuff will slip out. You do not want him to feel like he is trapped or was tricked into getting married.

Post # 6
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow… umm I think you need to tell you fiance.  If you don’t say anything it’s eventually going to come out.  

Post # 7
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yikes. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but I don’t think you should marry your fiance. If you really loved him then you wouldn’t have been tempted to have sex with another man.

You need to tell your fiance, without a doubt. You can’t marry a man with that kind of secret. It will kill the relationship.

Post # 8
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Yikes, have you ever had an open relationship with him?  Have you cheated in the past?  I don’t see how this could just randomly happen.  Not judging, but if this is the guy you are in love with, it’s hard to understand how you could just randomly sleep with his brother.

I occasionally think that one-time, drunken, in-the-past instances of cheating can be kept a secret… but I don’t know how you could ever get away with, or get past, this!  You have to tell your Fiance.  Good luck, this sounds like a hell of a bad situation.  

Post # 9
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@guiltygal:  I once read that you should tell your partner about cheating if you think it will help the relationship.

I’ve also read if you cheat you should go with the 2nd person/leave because if you were able to do that in the first place your love is questionable.

And I’ve also learned humans are humans and sometimes we just do things to explore and totally don’t think how it will all end up.

I know this is such a tough call. I feel for ya. Do you want to stay with him? Were you just curious? Do you find your Fiance attractive? Have you cheated before?

Please don’t forget you are 50 percent of this. Your future brother in law has a part in this too. I wouldn’t expect a call and I would just let that part go.

Ok…let’s say you don’t tell. How do you think you will manage being around him for the forseeable future?


Post # 11
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Wow, very tough one. I think you need to tell him.  Are you seriously going to be able to just act like nothing ever happened?  Are you sure his brother won’t feel so guilty that he admits it at one point?  What happens the next time you all drink together, is it so awkward things come out?

Truthfully, if my Fiance (now DH) EVER did that with one of my sister’s I wouldn’t be able to get over it; they’d both be out of my life. Do you think your Fiance will be able to get over it?

Post # 13
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Whoops….I would get a new couch first of all, because you and your Fiance sitting on it now is just wrong, then I would take a real hard look at myself and what I just did and try and decide if this was a weak moment never to be repeated OR a manifestation of an unhappy relationship that I was trying to sabotage.

Regardless of which you choose, I would be VERY careful to NEVER mention this to Fiance and be certain that his brother is of the same mindset, if it was ANYONE else, I would say honesty is the best policy.  But they’re brothers and this little drunken fling could potentially ruin their entire family!

PLUS, you run the risk of his brother having a crisis of conscience and confessing the whole thing…I think the ONLY way to spare your FI’s feelings, and leave this family in tact while still being a good person, is to break off the engagement and leave in the night without a word…but that’s not possible or even desirable….what a mess

Post # 16
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@guiltygal:  Sorry…just saw your response about chemistry…

I’m gonna go against the grain here and say, if you feel it’s in the best interest of the relationship, then don’t tell him. If you really want this man…life and all, then maybe the hurt you will cause him isn’t worth it. Not just because you are engaged but even if you were married. I know…my thoughts on this are not the norm. Maybe it’s because of my life experience. I KNOW you are tore up inside.

I could personally not do that but that may for you. Do you have a gf or a sister you can talk to?

I’ve been the other woman many times in my life (before some heavy therapy and reflection) and I can tell you I’ve seen both sides of telling…I’ve seen it help and hurt.  

The other thing I think of is when we drink, I feel our true selves come out because alcohol disengages the part of the brain that we normally use to supress socially inappropriate behavior. Is it possible you are trying to sabotage this relationship? Or that you are freaked about getting married? Maybe make an appt with a therapist?

At least you are owning this…that’s a big deal. A lot of people would say “it just happened”. I think taking responsibility is really important here.

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