Post # 1
About two months ago my brother calls me and tells me he and his wife, of 8 years, are getting a divorce. She cheated on him with his business partner for over a year, and his 4 month old daughter is actually his partners child. He told me to find another bridesmaid that she would not be coming to my wedding (in 3 months). I agree completely and make the arrangements. Note, I invited her to be in my wedding because I considered her to be a friend, I had known her for 15 years and I can only express how this betrayal to my brother, my family, their biological 2 year old and myself felt! After two weeks my brother moved back in with her (the lying piece of garbage) and now expects me to invite her to the wedding again. I have refussed because my wedding is not about their drama, but my brother insists that if she is not invited than he will not attend (he is my fiance’s best man).
Now I have tried to be understanding, realizing that he is a big boy and only he can decide if he can forgive her or not and accept her back into his life. Yes, I understand that for them it is worth a try to work it out (they have one child together and the new addition is completly innocent of everything). I am trying to support him and have told him she can be their for the rehersal but that I don’t want someone at my wedding who just back stabbed me and my whole family. I don’t want to introduce her to my fiance’s family and ulitimatley I don’t want someone who just showed how little she respects the institution of marriage to act like she is their to support our union. I just don’t want the drama, expecially when I physically feel like throwing up whenever she is in the same room with me!
I have thought about conceeding and allowing her to come but I feel she just wants to come because of how she feels it would look it she wasn’t invited (also the whole throwing up thing). I want only positive energy at my wedding. I don’t want to feel ill or to have even one photograph snapped of her. I’m not trying to exlude her from everything but I know that I wont be able to enjoy myself if she is there, its just too soon for me! I really don’t think Im asking too much to want five hours to be devoted to just my fiance and I and why they would expect she would be included? I feel like they are trying to make my wedding about them. Any suggestions about what I should do? Am I being overly sensitive about not wanting a hypocrite at my wedding? One that even admitts she may not be able to stay faithful, in the future, to my brother.
Post # 3
With some of my siblings having former signifigant others that I couldn’t stand because of things they did to my family members, I totally understand you not wanting her to be there. I’d say try reminding him of the things she did to him, and ask him if he would want some man at his wedding that did those things to you. Let him know that he may have forgiven her because he loves her, but you don’t love her and you can’t forgive what she’s done to him, it would take years for you. Hopefully he will understand, but after you have this talk with him give him time to think about it and come around. Above all stay firm. I’ve learned that when you allow people into your life that hurt your family members its almost like your accepting what they did was right. Which it isn’t, and you need to show your love blinded brother that it was very wrong what she did to him and you aren’t over it. Good luck!
Post # 4
I totally understand not wanting her back as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. But your brother’s relationship with his wife is between the two of them. Even if you don’t agree, they have apparently decided to work it out. Since they are staying together, you absolutely should invite her to the wedding. You don’t have to be nice to her or even speak to her, but you really do need to invite because she is your brother’s wife.
Post # 5
Since she is still his wife I would let her come HOWEVER there is NO WAY IN HELL I would put her in the wedding party. I would not let some piece of cheating trash stand on my alter when she has ZERO respect for the sanctity of marriage. Plus that way if they have a falling out again and she doesn’t show then you’re not scrambling to figure out what to do with your bridal party.
Post # 6
I agree with PPs. I think you should most definitely keep her cheating ass out of the wedding party. That isnt even an option. However, I do think that if she and your brother are trying to work it out, she should be invited.
You dont want to look back and remember that your brother wasnt at such an important occasion in your life. How does your Fiance feel about losing his best man? And about the whole situation in general?
As for pictures, I would use that as a bargaining tool with your brother. Say she can come, but you dont want her to be involved in the pictures. I wouldnt want a skank, skanking up all my pretty pictures either!
Post # 7
I also agree with what most everone else posted — that you should invite her to the wedding (even though it will pain you to do so) but definitely exclude her from the wedding party. That way you don’t cause more problems between your brother and her, you are staying supportive of your brother, and you are avoiding the drama that will inevitably follow if you do exclude her from the wedding. That being said, you don’t really need to take any notice of her/waste time with her on your wedding day.
Post # 8
You can exclude her from the wedding party but you do need to invite her to the wedding. Your brother has chosen to take her back and for all you know they might live happily ever after.
Post # 9
I saw your title and I thought “hey, did I post that while asleep?”
My SIL would be your horrible SIL. She had an affair with a married man while she herself was engaged. The affair lasted over a year, the man had an infant and a 2 year old at home all the while. My Darling Husband loooooooooooooves his sister, defends her actions, and says “everyone deserves to be happy” what kind of bat sh*t reasoning is THAT?! Fast forward 7 years and they’re now engaged.
I felt the same way you do about having your SIL at your wedding. Why would you want someone there who clearly doesn’t respect the sanctity of marriage????? I lost that battle and I am still holding a grudge. I am going to therapy actually to help me get over the anger I have for my SIL since my Darling Husband is “unconditionally loving and supporting” her, which I can’t understand, because to me that = supporting what she did!
My advice to you: Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. It’s something we do for our selves to move on.
Post # 10
I’m going to echo a lot of the PPs, here. No, you shouldn’t have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but you should support your brother and allow her to the wedding.
I understand that you are upset and hurt, but in the end this is between your brother and his wife. If they are going to try and work things out, you’re making it harder for everyone by excluding her. There are a couple of things to take into consideration, here. Firstly, it sounds like your brother is being so adament about this because he could really use your support right now. His family was almost torn apart. Now, he is trying to put it back together, and I think it be fair to your brother for the other side of his family (you) to be understanding. Second, there may or may not be more to the story. If he forgave her, there might be other things going on that weren’t advertised the way her cheating was. She probably feels like crap and is ashamed. Obviously, your brother feels like crap. I don’t see reason to contnue to dole out judgement and punishment. It’s not making your brother’s life any easier. and certainly not yours. Third, are the reprecussions of not inviting her going to be worth it? Your brother steps down as best man, and then you two could possibly have a rift in your relationship. It sounds like you obviously love your brother, and I don’t imagine you want a strained relationship with him.
Try to avoid her, be courteous when you see her, take as few pictures as possible, if you choose and surround yourself with all the guests that you DO want to be with. Either your brother’s relationship will work out, or it won’t. She is only one person. Don’t let one person ruin your day, go and be happy and have fun.
Post # 11
Ugh, how utterly upsetting this all must be for you. I agree with the PPs; invite her, but under no circumstances let her back into the wedding party. That is an honour that should be earned, in my opinion. Your poor brother. 🙁
Post # 12
The reality is that she didn’t do anything to you. She betrayed your brother and, for the time being at least, he has decided to try to work it out.
One of the great tests of maturity is the ability to be civil to people we don’t like.
Invite her to the wedding. You obviously do not have to have her in the wedding party.
If she and your brother remain together, you are going to have to deal with her for the rest of your life. Start now.