(Closed) Lying– Was I Duped into Marrying Him?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
7641 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@MrsWBS:  +1

The schooling doesn’t bother me because it happened so long ago and it was only a semester. The teeth? Ok, so, like PP said, would you not have married him? I think these issues weren’t lied about but rather not discussed in full detail. His embarrassment kept him from spilling his guts. Granted, he should have told you about the money that his teeth were going to cost, but it isn’t being done tomorrow, so I assume he assumes you guys would jump that hurdle when you get to it. There are a LOT of things that DH and I need done in the future (money-wise) that I wouldn’t have thought twice about not marrying him for.

Post # 33
Member
3551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@hateliars:  My Fiance has been turning into a ball of mush whenever we do something related to the wedding because it makes him excited and he feels closer to me. Perhaps your husband is reacting this way because he’s finally opening up to you and is feeling closer to you.

Do tell him how amazing and awesome he is, tell him all the time until he starts to believe you. Always let him know how much you appreciate him even if it’s something seemingly minor. If my Fi holds the door for me, takes out the trash, or does the dishes I make sure that I thank him. I try to thank him for everything he does for me so that he knows how much I appreciate him. If he ever puts himself down to you correct him. Call him out on his negative self-talk. It will take time, but you can eventually help him build up his self esteem. I’ve been working with my Fiance on these things for a couple years and it’s really started to pay off in the last year or so.

Post # 35
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve always agreed with Dan Savage that a relationship isn’t a deposition and you don’t have to tell your OH everything (especially if they’re better off not knowing and it’s not a need-to-know thing), but my SO insists that as a couple we’re a team and we shouldn’t hide anything.  I’ve come to honour the way he wants to be but it hasn’t been especially since, like a PP, I also avoid conflicts at all cost.  I just hate it!  (And it doesn’t help that SO doesn’t mind confrontation at all and actually thrives on semi-heated banter.)  But now I see the value in it and because of this, I know I can trust him completely.

I’d say you lay the law (gently but firmly) about not hiding things anymore, especially things that affect both of you.  I hope he has some kind of savings/benefits that will cover the periodontics, but even if he does, he really should have told you.  Also, keep asking about his past about everything you want to know!

Post # 36
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m honestly very surprised that you 2 have lived with eachother for 3 years and you didn’t know any of this. Especially the thing about the teeth, something so obvious and simple, how was it never brought up in the past?

 

I’m really sorry that this is happening to you. The good thing is that he sounds like a good guy with a good heart! I’d recommend sitting down with him and discussing how you feel about just now finding these things out, and let him know that it doesn’t affect anything but you feel like you should have known. I’d even suggest printing out things like couples questionnaires or something. The questions are often really simple but lead to bigger conversations. My SO and I did some for a pre-marriage class we took and it really helped him open up, which was great because he doesn’t speak much or go in to detail about things.

 

Post # 37
Member
4434 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@hateliars:  YIKES! I am so much more scared about this post than other bees seem to be mostly because of the:

“all throughout our relationship Fiance has lied to me.  It’s always relatively small things– things that maybe he shouldnt be doing but arent cheating or anything really bad.  He just keeps things from me. Its been anything from “I havent quit smoking” to “I went to lunch with this female co worker you dont like, but it was 100% innocent”.”

Men don’t just magically change after the wedding, so I think he’ll fall back into his old habits.  Why wouldn’t he tell you about a medical problem?!  How would the story about college never have come out?  And the part about how you don’t think his parents are THAT bad to not help him pay for college?

All this together screams RUN!!!! to me….

Post # 38
Member
11535 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@hateliars:  

First, let me say that if you were not already married to him, I would be giving you entirely different advice. However, because you are married, I’m going to give you advice that is consistent with my beliefs about this scenario.

You are his wife, and he clearly has been deceptive and fraudulent in some — maybe even many — of his dealings with you, perhaps far more than you could even begin to suspect at this point. There is nothing okay about that, and this pattern must not be permitted to continue.

Your DH has a responsibility to make himself accountable to not only you but also to someone else in a position of authority over him, whether that is your counselor, a clergyperson or another appropriate individual in your DH’s life. Someone must help to hold him accountable for what he has done and for making a good faith effort to be fully open with you about these matters and any others that he has not yet disclosed to you, if any.

Afterall, how can you be sure what he is telling you now is truthful? I think, at this point, your DH must willingly waive his “right” to expect you trust him unless or until he earns back that trust through a long established track record of changed behavior. Until then, I think you can and should ask to have independent substantiation of any information about which you are seeking answers, even if that includes looking at his college transcripts.

Post # 39
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@hateliars:  I’m sorry you are dealing with this.  I had an ex who would lie about little things, big things, everything, even though I always either knew right away or found out.  It had a lot to do with his self-esteem and his inability to trust fully.  Good luck for you both.

Just FYI, you don’t lose the funds on an HSA at the end of the year.  If you have an HSA, those funds are yours, period.  If you have a flex spending account for healthcare costs, those must be used within that year.

Post # 40
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@hateliars:  

I’m not aware of many people with a mouthful of dental implants because 1) they hurt, 2) they take a long time to seat in the jaw bone and 3) they are wickedly expensive. Do not focus on the big price tag for now. It could happen in 2 years or 20 years. He’s not going to walk around without teeth for months, is he? No, he’ll get some dentures.

I would be incredibly frustrated and hurt if I felt like I had to pull things out of my spouse. The tales being told remind me of an old, not-so-great relationship I had. The guy ended up being a sociopath and my mother as well as a friend in law enforcement were the ones to confront me on it with the truth. Awkward but I’m very happy they helped me see the light.

Post # 42
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I just wanted to give you the other perspective since I feel like we have had similar issues in our relationship but I am on your fiance’s end of the situation.  I also have fake teeth and didn’t want to tell my now fiance because I was so embarassed.  It’s one of those things that you can’t understand unless you have experienced it firsthand.  You feel so vulnerable and so abnormal at times.  You are always carrying around the fear that they could fall out or that someone will notice.  It feels like the least sexy thing in the world which is why I never told any of my boyfriends about it!  Anyway, I ended up getting implants which put me $15k in debt and that’s in addition to my school loans and car loan.  I kept this from my now fiance for a long time while we were dating and then he proposed and obviously I had to come clean.  There were a lot of issues and hurt feelings and anger that now he had to take on this debt when it wasn’t our decision to get the implants, it was mine (he thought I should have gotten a less expensive procedure like the acrylic flipper / partial denture I had up until this point). I know it isn’t right that he’s lying to you but I think he is just really really insecure and has developed issues due to feeling inadequate over the teeth thing and not graduating thing.  Also, my two cents, it sounds like you think he should just suck it up and get the dentures or something less expensive than what he wants to get.  Obviously you guys will have to make that decision together, but I just have to tell you that I couldn’t be happier that I got my dental implants and that I never again have to worry about my teeth falling out or getting another procedure.  So try to put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would feel if you were the one with a physical problem that you were self-conscious about.  Also…THERAPY! For both of you.  Together and separately.  And I would really really emphasize to him how important it is for your relationship that he be honest from this point forward.  Good luck! I’m sorry you are going through this but it sounds like you love each other a lot and will get through it!

Post # 44
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@MrsTVLover:  +1

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@hateliars:  Yes, yes run a credit check AND does he have a checking account? If not, big RED flag.

Post # 45
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@FutureWifeyV:  “I’m honestly very surprised that you 2 have lived with eachother for 3 years and you didn’t know any of this. Especially the thing about the teeth, something so obvious and simple, how was it never brought up in the past?”

+1
 
I get the feeling like the two of you don’t talk much. Or at least, maybe don’t talk often about non-superficial things. Before we got married, my husband and I talked about anything and everything — I can’t imagine not knowing that he hadn’t actually graduated from college or that he had a medical condition that we’d have to pay tens of thousands of dollars for in the near future. I’d get into couples counseling right away and focus on how to improve your communication.

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