(Closed) Mad at FI because he does not want to cut the umbilical cord. Very long sorry

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Is the mom going to be living in the apartment too?

I’m a bit of a push over, but I’m sorry.. that is going to be YOUR home, being paid with YOUR money, and living YOUR married life.  Not the mother-in-law.

It’s one thing to like having your parents opinions and sharing experiences because I enjoy having my parents for important things as well.  Even if they don’t care to hear about some of them at times, I still tell them.

But its a completely different situation if you’re going to base everything around your parents like he is seeming to do.  Time to grow up and be a man buddy!

Post # 4
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh, no. No no no no. You two are engaged to be married. YOU are now the most important woman in his life. Your opinion is the only one that counts when it comes to where you two live. Marriage is about setting boundaries and establishing you two as a new family unit. You really need to start testing the waters with that – this seems as good a time as any! For me (I am very independent, like you) this would be a deal breaker. She isn’t going to react well to being shut out (think guilt trip of a lifetime, fits, etc) and he may not be open to it at all. Find that out now….because your marriage will be awfully crowded if she continues to do this!

Post # 5
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

No, you are not overracting!  But, speaking from 8 years of married experience, if you are expecting that things will change between him and his mother even one iota after you are married than you are kidding yourself.

Post # 6
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would ask him what difference it would make to wait until she gets back? especially since you both agree that you will be getting the apartment any way… It kind of makes no sense…

I will say if this is the very 1st place that he will be living in on his own with you, it’s probably very important to him to get his mom’s opinion (do not read as approval) even if he has already made up his mind. I definitely wanted my parents opinions when I first moved out. But since then I’ve lived in 3 other places and signed leases without them seeing the place.

I would drum home the fact that if it’s not gonna make a difference what she says then what is the point of waiting?

 

Post # 7
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

No, you are absolutely NOT over reacting!!! I would be totally p*ssed off about this and honestly, it doesn’t sound like it’ll get any better once you’re married. I hope things work out for you!

Post # 8
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

you are not overreacting. just because he SAYS he will cut the cord when you are married, that doesn’t mean anything. how are you supposed to believe him when you have seen nothing that shows he is even capable of it?

if it were me, i would have to tell him that until he shows he is capable of putting you before his mother and able to be independent of her… i can’t go through with making a comittment as big as marriage.

Post # 9
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

He needs to cut that shit out NOW. As someone who has a very overbearing Mother-In-Law who has yet to cut the cord herself (DH cut it a long time ago), she needs to be put in her place. Your Fiance is an adult and should be treated like one. He doesn’t need mommy’s approval. What next? Will she dictate when you can have children and the daycare said children can attend? Trust me, have him deal with this like… yesterday. As for being rude to his mother, everyone deserves respect as long as they get it in return.  I don’t give a shit who you are, if you disrespect me you bet your ass that you’ll be getting a dose of reality right back. My Mother-In-Law has been on the outs for weeks because she crossed a serious line. I don’t think she’s yet realized that I have the upper hand and can make things very difficult for her if I wanted. I’ll end with a fun quote that’s been replaying in my head since all of my drama went down with my Mother-In-Law…

“A daughters a daughter all your life, a sons a son ’til he takes a wife”.

Post # 10
Member
3500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsFuzzyFace:  well said…it wont change…you have two choices…..get out now or learn to work with it. Your marriage wont be a good one if you continue to make your hubby chose between you and his mum. You will loose out…as your future Mother-In-Law knows how to play the game.

My mum is 45 years into a marriage with a difficult mother in law….my dad isn’t a push over by any means, but he refuses to see his mum as the manipulative woman she is.(My dad knows deep down what she is like but he is  very loyal to all people in his life….and my grandma is smart enough not to be mean to my mum out right…she is more underhanded in her manipulation)

Be nice and pick your battles….if you are not constantly complaining to your Fiance about his mums meddling, he will be more likely to hear you out and side with you.

Don’t be combatative with your future Mother-In-Law….and don’t let her see you and your Fiance have been fighting over her meddling….that is what she wants….to manipulative people like her, it  signals to them that they have won!!! As for her bad mouthing you to her family….I wouldn’t worry about it….I’m pretty sure everyone who knows her have figured out that she isnt very nice!!

good luck…you’ll need it!!!

I just want to add… don’t be to hard on your Fiance….he does love you and knows how great you are….but he has at least 25 years of conditioned responses to his mums demands…. its not an excuse but he’s probably spent years being guilt tripped into situations not of his choosing by his mum. He knows that if he doesnt do the apartment thing this way….he will have to deal with more dramatics from her.
 

Post # 11
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

As a girl with a Future Mother-In-Law who is very similar and has similar attachments to her “baby boy” I know EXACTLY where you’re at right now. When my Fiance and I found a fantastic condo for EXTREMELY cheap with a gorgeous floorplan, I was ready to sign that minute. But his mom (and dad actually) both threw a mini-fit because they hadn’t “seen” it and so we waited another week. Well… in the meantime another renter came along and offered to pay more and so we lost the condo. :'(

I’m all for putting mama in her place, especially since you are about to replace her as “#1 female” in FI’s life and it’s ridiculous that a grown man can’t make a decision without asking mommy first (like my Fiance sometimes does)

But I would also take into consideration his feelings. I know that it’s very hard for a son who’s been hen-pecked for the first 28 years of his life to suddenly sever ties with with that and be his own man. A lot of guys have trouble going from son to head of household overnight. I know you’re just desperately trying to get your man to BE your man but as sad as it is, you don’t want to turn yourself into the bad guy. I would sit your Fiance down and have a serious conversation about the apartment. Maybe say “I know your mom wants to see it, but if we don’t act now, there’s a good chance there won’t be anything to see.” And maybe take her to see it as soon as you sign. I’m sure she’s worried about losing her son, and for some MIL’s that’s a really hard feeling to deal with and it manifests in scary (and sometimes really really hard to deal with) ways. 

Sorry for the long post! I know exactly where your coming from! If you want more advice/help, feel free to pm me!

Post # 12
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

if he hasn’t established his independence already, he never will.  It shouldn’t matter what his mother thinks of the apartment.  She’s not living there or paying for it.  He’s acting like what one of my friends calls a “titty baby.”  

I personally wouldn’t marry a guy who can’t make a normal adult decison without consulting his parents.  I moved out of my parents’ house at 20 and signed a lease on an apartment.  I didn’t bring them there first to see how they liked it.  It was my place, I paid the rent myself.  I was the only one who had to like it.  

Post # 13
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have a difference of opinion, which is that you are overreacting–sort of–in the sense that you are anticipating a lot of things that haven’t come to pass yet. 

On the apartment issue, I think that it’s fine for Mother-In-Law to see it, but the real issue is you need to convey to your Fiance: “We have to make this decision for ourselves and if we like this place, we need to put money down now.” Mother-In-Law is not relevant to the discussion. But it might go a long way to try and understand why her opinion is so important to your Fiance and to try a little psychotherapy by getting him to articulate what exactly is the problem if she came and didn’t like it? Is he afraid she’d see some sort of deal-breaker he didn’t notice? Is he in need of her approval for everything? Coax these things out and prove to him that it’s a psychological fear and that anything can be addressed and solved. 

On the other issues:

1. Fiance is correct in that you do not have a right to be rude to his mom. Or anyone, really, but especially to his mom–in the same way that she doesn’t have the right to be rude to you. The difference is how you are interpreting “rude.” You probably need to explain to Fiance that boundaries are not disrespectful; they are necessary and expected for all social relationships. You also need to realize yourself that yes, “it’s our decision” is an appropriate boundary, there is a right way to say it and a wrong way to say it. In general, you can avoid “rudeness” just by listening, even if you have no intention of actually observing her opinions. 

2. Some men are late to cut the umbilical cord. Mine definitely was (is? LOL) late. You can be angry about it, or you can just accept that’s the case and help him do it. Recognize that although it’s not something you yourself understand or appreciate (I don’t with my Darling Husband, to tell you the truth!), it’s an adjustment for him. It’s also hard for anyone to be in the middle when mom and wife don’t get along. Stand up for yourself and your marriage, but just be sensitive to that. 

3. Start getting Fiance to understand–in a slight, small, gentle way AT FIRST–that he’s part of YOUR family now and he needs to represent your interests as a family to his mother. That means that when you and mom have a difference of opinion on things (the wedding, future children etc.) it’s really him who should put her in place, rather than you. Some men will never do this and that sucks, but it helps to start getting him to understand his role now. 

4. It’s very likely that you and Mother-In-Law may never get along or see eye-to-eye. Some moms have defined their identity around their role as mom and it’s difficult to watch their kids grow up and become adults and they can respond by wanting to “mother” you and/or criticize everything that you do as a wife and mom yourself. It totally sucks if this happens, but sometimes recognizing that it’ll just be rocky is one step towards achieving a little zen about it. 

 

Good luck!

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