Post # 16
Thanks everyone for your replies. Sorry, I don’t want to flood the forum with individual replies, but you’re all so helpful and so nice for supporting me. It really is a “first world problem” but it does feel heavy on my heart so I appreciate hearing your perspectives.
These women have been my friends since childhood and adolescence (10 and 15 years respectively) so it does hurt more than if they were casual acquaintances. They’ve both had their fair share issues in the dating game (as had I in the past, before meeting my partner) and I feel like they are generally bitter and unable to hear about anyone’s happiness without thinking it reflects on them somehow. I wish they could see how jealous it makes them seem but if I called them out of on it, it would make me look self-centered and rude. It feels like a no-win situation.
Things really came to a head this spring when my SO and I first started talking about rings. I immediately told my best friend of 15 years and her response was very lukewarm and “I don’t want to hear about it.” Then, when I went to see her that weekend (She lives in a different city), she got drunk and lashed out at me about wanting to get married and have kids with my partner. She said that it was all that I wanted to talk about and that I don’t judge her/ don’t respect her being single. (That’s really not true and I was hurt to hear her say that.) Some other things happened that night that were really hurtful and confusing so I went very low contact while I sorted out my feelings.
Apparently, she’s pulled our other longtime friend to her side who also expresses frustration that I’m happy. She often makes snide comments about me “living the high life” because my partner is gainfully employed and likes to take me out for nice dinners/buy me thoughtful gifts. I don’t rub it in anyone’s face, but I don’t hide the fact that I’m happy. Do I need to rend my clothes and wear sackcloth and ashes so it doesn’t make them feel bad? I feel like no matter what I did, they would find fault somehow.
I tried to reach out to my friend who got drunk to clear the air and she was very defensive acted like I had deserved it for annoying her with my relationship. Our other friend has decided to take her side and says that it’s what I get for “gloating” about my relationship. I didn’t know that just living your life was gloating but I guess with people are miserable you not being where they’re at is a personal affront.
Not sure what to do. I am trying to reconcile but it feels like I’ll be the one doing all the work and that what they want is an apology for being happy and in love when they are not. Maybe when we first started “waiting” I was eager to talk about it too much but I don’t think it warrants being ganged up on and bullied.
Edited to Add: My partner and I go back and forth on whether we should opt to have a “real” wedding or elope. And this situation is making me reallllllyyy prefer the thought of just eloping. LOL
Post # 17
I am going through the same exact thing right now and could really use advice too. I am officially waiting (the ring is being made at the jewelers now). I know my SO said it would happen before 2016 is over. My best friend knew about this months ago and she seemed so happy for me. I barely bring it up now, but if I do, she gets so mad and angry. It really hurts. I want to share my happiness with her, she is my best friend. It may be putting a strain on us though. She is definitely hurting for a relationship, because all of hers seem to fail. I have only told 3 people that I am waiting. Two of them are happy for me, and the one I want to share this whole experience with the most seems super upset with me.
*hug* I understand the feeling.
Post # 18
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
That’s a shame that your friends are like this. I would avoid the subject until you are engaged. Once you are engaged, if they are not genuinely happy for you or supportive of your engagement, to the curb they should go. Nobody needs unsupportive people disguising themselves as friends.
Post # 19
Congratulations on your impending engagement! I don’t even know you, but I’m jubilant for you. Love is beautiful, and marriage is a happy occasion. Please don’t let other people’s issues temper that one bit. (If only I could take my own advice lol)
It’s often frowned upon to call someone “jealous”, but that sounds like what your friend is. And unfortunate. Both for you and for herself. It’s not unlikely that she will have other friends who get engaged or married before her, so by being bitter, she’s only making things harder on herself. I hope for her own sake, that she can get out of that mindset.
Only you know the details of your situation. But keep in mind that you can’t please everybody and what you do is ultimately up to you. If she’s a good friend otherwise and this is her only hangup, you may just opt not to talk about anything wedding or marriage related with her. But it’s hard, especially when you’re understandably excited. Or you may feel the need to either be straight-up with her about what you’re feeling or finally, put some distance between you.
I wish you the best. Hopefully, your friend can come around be a real friend but life isn’t always fair.
Post # 20
Eh, people who can’t be responsible for their own feelings and lash out at others without remorse are the worst of the worst, IMO. Tell them whatever you like, if they get snippy or defensive, tell them to get over themselves and that if they were good friends they would be happy for you. If you can’t deal with their drama, kick ’em to the curb.
Post # 21
That’s how I feel. Unfortunately, the friend who lashed out is really good at playing the victim and people tend to coddle her because of it. So of course, I’m the bad guy.
Post # 22
I would limit your interaction with these “friends” then, since they can’t control their mean-spiritedness. There are plenty of people in the world who can be loving and supportive, and sometimes friendships fade when life changes things. When the time does come to get to wedding planning, though, I would not consider these women as potential bridesmaids, they have shown themselves as being unsupportive and self-absorbed.
Post # 23
Your friends are being really mean, but what came to my mind was this: most likely, eventually their love lives are going to fall into place as well, and they’ll get engaged/married. If you are all still friends, would you be able to let this go and be happy for them, after how they’ve been treating you? If they never apologize or take responsibility?
Post # 24
Im sorry you are going through this. When I was waiting, it was most of my friends who would bring it up and everyone was thrilled when we got engaged. I know they are your childhood friends, but maybe its time to really think about the friendship. A true friend would be happy for you and not make you feel bad no matter what they are going through.
For example, my BFF got engaged suddenly to her childs father after I had a horrible breakup with my last bf who I thought I was going to marry. She was afraid to share things with me because she thought it woudl make me sad. Of course part of me was sad because I thought I would be planning a wedding, but I was so happy for her there is no way I could take that away from her. I was her Maid/Matron of Honor and did what I was supposed to do. Real friends support you. End of story.
Anyway, try talking to them about it, and see what they say. How old areyou guys? I’m asking because maybe they are just in a completely different space than you.
Post # 25
Ouch, sorry bee. A good friend, no matter what type of situation they are going through should be happy for you. If its like this now, imagine when your planinng your wedding? If you truly care for them, tell them straight. Be there for me as i am there for you or move on. Friends should never be in competition or put another down.
Post # 26
In spite of how petty they are being, I do hope that they can eventually find happiness, even if our friendship changes/ceases to exist. Whether or not they realize it yet, I think that they are doing more damage to themselves than others.
The friend who initially lashed out tends to be demanding/neurotic and drive interested parties away. She also tends to boost her ego with risky one-night stands with whomever and then gets very upset when the guys don’t express interest other than sex. (a lot of highs and lows) I do have genuine sympathy for some of her issues. Her father was a victim of suicide when we were teens and it’s certainly affected her relationship with men. She has had her fair share of mental health crises, has had to check herself into a psych ward and hasn’t always been proactive about seeing a therapist. I don’t think she’s in therapy right now but I wonder if she should be. It’s certainly not 100% her fault, but she can be very hurtful.
But because of this, people tend to feel sorry for her and treat her like she should be given exemptions for hurtful behavior. I’ve also been through things. My mom died a few years ago and I went no-contact with my abusive father. I survived an armed robbery and an abusive relationship before meeting my partner. And yet I’m still treated like I need to be the “strong” one at all times.
The other friend is either lesbian or bisexual and cannot share this information with her conservative Italian-American family. She tends to get into toxic relationships with other women and likes to pick fights/emotionally bully whoever she’s dating at a time. Her mother is wedding-obsessed and wants to her to “settle down” and isn’t sure why she hasn’t yet. She hates weddings and I’m sure that hearing about a friend potentially being married in the near future brings up certain feelings in her.
I empathize with their situations but I’m not sure why I should suffer for it. Or why me being in a relationship makes me any less qualified to offer them love and support. It’s a tough situation.
Post # 27
I have a friend like this. She is older and quite bitter. As time goes on she gets worse. At this point she is bitter because she is aways single and single BECAUSE she is so bitter and negative. It’s hard to hang out with her for longer than an hour, she gets you down so much.
After years of trying to cheer her up, giving her self-help and positive thinking books and just listening to her bitch I’ve distanced myself from her. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my excitement and happiness with her when the the replies I’d get would be, “well some people are just fucking lucky” and “divorce rate is high!”
Spend time with people that bring positivity into your life. Life is too short to have to deal with negative, toxic people.
Post # 28
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I’m not trying to harsh but wow, she really sounds like an assh*le. If someone were having a baby, would she start spouting off the rate of infant mortality in their state or country?
It sounds like she’s single for good reason.
Post # 29
You’ve tried to reach out to your friends and be sympathetic and supportive of their problems, but it seems they can’t be happy for you and have become bitter and resentful in general. As someone who is very pro-LGBT issues, it’s so sad that one of your friends feels she can’t come out to her own family and it’s also sad that your other friend has had to deal in the past with her father’s suicide. These are both issues where supportive friends can be a lifeline. And a good friend would be that lifeline (as it sounds like you have been & have tried to reach out to them). However, you deserve good friends too- and good friends want only the best for you.
If their level of bitterness has reached such a toxic level that you have to walk on eggshells with them, afraid to share good news and second guessing everything you say and they are openly hostile toward you, then they have both reached an unhealthy degree of bitterness and resentment and, worse, they are feeding off of each others’ negative vibes, convincing themselves that you’re the one in the wrong. At this point, if you were to suggest some much needed counselling, it would come off (to their ears) as smug and condescending even if you have only their own emotional well being at heart.
You already have enough of a conscience to have questioned yourself and made sure that you’re not being insensitive, you’re not gloating and going on about yourself endlessly. Having done this, you need to realize that you shouldn’t act like the guilty party- don’t feel you have to hide your engagement or play down your relationsihp or water down your own happiness. Be a good friend and a sympathetic ear, but live your own life without apologies as well. If these friends can’t be decent toward you and be happy for you, you may have outgrown these friendships because real friends will always care about you and be happy for you, even if they aren’t where they want to be in their own lives.
Post # 30
Dump, dump dump them. Life it too short to tip toe around other people being immature.
I dealt with 5 years of IF, MC and a still birth. My friends were getting pregnant, having babies and raising their kids. Just like they were there for me while I was going through Hell, I was with them while they were going through their stuff (the good and the bad). I never ever made them feel bad or guilty about their pregnancies just because I couldn’t get pregnant.
I know may not be able to dump them out right, but def do a slow fade. Life is too short!