(Closed) Made the Mistake of Telling Single Friends I'm Waiting — Caused Some Issues

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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jb7979 :  I am going through the same exact thing right now and could really use advice too. I am officially waiting (the ring is being made at the jewelers now). I know my SO said it would happen before 2016 is over. My best friend knew about this months ago and she seemed so happy for me. I barely bring it up now, but if I do, she gets so mad and angry. It really hurts. I want to share my happiness with her, she is my best friend. It may be putting a strain on us though. She is definitely hurting for a relationship, because all of hers seem to fail. I have only told 3 people that I am waiting. Two of them are happy for me, and the one I want to share this whole experience with the most seems super upset with me.

*hug* I understand the feeling.

Post # 18
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

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jb7979 :  That’s a shame that your friends are like this. I would avoid the subject until you are engaged. Once you are engaged, if they are not genuinely happy for you or supportive of your engagement, to the curb they should go. Nobody needs unsupportive people disguising themselves as friends.

Post # 20
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee

Eh, people who can’t be responsible for their own feelings and lash out at others without remorse are the worst of the worst, IMO. Tell them whatever you like, if they get snippy or defensive, tell them to get over themselves and that if they were good friends they would be happy for you. If you can’t deal with their drama, kick ’em to the curb.

Post # 22
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee

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jb7979 :  I would limit your interaction with these “friends” then, since they can’t control their mean-spiritedness. There are plenty of people in the world who can be loving and supportive, and sometimes friendships fade when life changes things. When the time does come to get to wedding planning, though, I would not consider these women as potential bridesmaids, they have shown themselves as being unsupportive and self-absorbed.

Post # 23
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

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jb7979 :  Your friends are being really mean, but what came to my mind was this: most likely, eventually their love lives are going to fall into place as well, and they’ll get engaged/married. If you are all still friends, would you be able to let this go and be happy for them, after how they’ve been treating you? If they never apologize or take responsibility? 

Post # 24
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

Im sorry you are going through this. When I was waiting, it was most of my friends who would bring it up and everyone was thrilled when we got engaged. I know they are your childhood friends, but maybe its time to really think about the friendship. A true friend would be happy for you and not make you feel bad no matter what they are going through.

For example, my BFF got engaged suddenly to her childs father after I had a horrible breakup with my last bf who I thought I was going to marry. She was afraid to share things with me because she thought it woudl make me sad. Of course part of me was sad because I thought I would be planning a wedding, but I was so happy for her there is no way I could take that away from her. I was her Maid/Matron of Honor and did what I was supposed to do. Real friends support you. End of story. 

Anyway, try talking to them about it, and see what they say. How old areyou guys? I’m asking because maybe they are just in a completely different space than you. 

Post # 25
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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jb7979 :  Ouch, sorry bee. A good friend, no matter what type of situation they are going through should be happy for you. If its like this now, imagine when your planinng your wedding? If you truly care for them, tell them straight. Be there for me as i am there for you or move on. Friends should never be in competition or put another down.

Post # 27
Member
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I have a friend like this. She is older and quite bitter. As time goes on she gets worse. At this point she is bitter because she is aways single and single BECAUSE she is so bitter and negative. It’s hard to hang out with her for longer than an hour,  she gets you down so much.

After years of trying to cheer her up,  giving her self-help and positive thinking books and just listening to her bitch I’ve distanced myself from her. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my excitement and happiness with her when the the replies I’d get would be, “well some people are just fucking lucky” and “divorce rate is high!” 

Spend time with people that bring positivity into your life. Life is too short to have to deal with negative, toxic people.

Post # 29
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

You’ve tried to reach out to your friends and be sympathetic and supportive of their problems, but it seems they can’t be happy for you and have become bitter and resentful in general. As someone who is very pro-LGBT issues, it’s so sad that one of your friends feels she can’t come out to her own family and it’s  also sad that your other friend has had to deal in the past with her father’s suicide. These are both issues where supportive friends can be a lifeline. And a good friend would be that lifeline (as it sounds like you have been & have tried to reach out to them). However, you deserve good friends too- and good friends want only the best for you.

If their level of bitterness has reached such a toxic level that you have to walk on eggshells with them, afraid to share good news and second guessing everything you say and they are openly hostile toward you, then they have both reached an unhealthy degree of bitterness and resentment and, worse, they are feeding off of each others’ negative vibes, convincing themselves that you’re the one in the wrong. At this point, if you were to suggest some much needed counselling, it would come off (to their ears) as smug and condescending even if you have only their own emotional well being at heart. 

You already have enough of a conscience to have questioned yourself and made sure that you’re not being insensitive, you’re not gloating and going on about yourself endlessly. Having done this, you need to realize that you shouldn’t act like the guilty party- don’t feel you have to hide your engagement or play down your relationsihp or water down your own happiness. Be a good friend and a sympathetic ear, but live your own life without apologies as well. If these friends can’t be decent toward you and be happy for you, you may have outgrown these friendships because real friends will always care about you and be happy for you, even if they aren’t where they want to be in their own lives. 

Post # 30
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Dump, dump dump them. Life it too short to tip toe around other people being immature. 

I dealt with 5 years of IF, MC and a still birth. My friends were getting pregnant, having babies and raising their kids. Just like they were there for me while I was going through Hell, I was with them while they were going through their stuff (the good and the bad). I never ever made them feel bad or guilty about their pregnancies just because I couldn’t get pregnant. 

I know may not be able to dump them out right, but def do a slow fade. Life is too short!

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