(Closed) Maid of Dishonor

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I made my sister my bridesmaid because even though I knew she would be a crappy bridesmaid and an even worse maid of honor.  FI wanted to add a friend  from college so I threw her in.  I know how you feel.  Literally she did everything you described your sister doing.  Sisters can be huge inconsiderate bitches.  Throw her out of the wedding if you must.  I sort of wish I had.  She showed up an hour late to the rehearsal as we were leaving and began cussing in front of our pastor about getting lost, making a huge scene.  She also showed up to both my bridal shower and bachelorette party late both of which she did not help plan.  When she came to the bridal shower she was dressed like a straight stripper for our ladies luncheon and began cussing and telling loud stories that changed the whole atmosphere of the party.  Then she came to my wedding 5 minute before it started when she was supposed to be there all day helping me set up and get myself ready.  I learned the hard way that you can’t count on anyone not even your own sister.  And there is unfortunately no solution because you cannot make people care about stuff that they don’t care about.  You can try telling her how much you need her and would like her to be a prt of this process for you.  In my case, if I had done that my sister would have laughed in my face and made me feel idiotic.  But it may work for you.  Sorry yours is a pill too.  

Post # 4
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I asked my sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, but my sister also understands how important all of this is to me and understands that I need her to step up.  If it were me, and you have given her chances, I would replace her.  To me, that is showing she doesn’t care and just isn’t interested.

Post # 5
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@REP92110:  you are not alone.  unfortunately not everyone sees your special day as that special so as brides, we need to accept that.  i don’t agree with her complaining, etc but as for delaying her flight there, perhaps she needs to work those few extra days before taking time off.  for a lot of people, their jobs are their priority so i can totally understand that.  you may just have to recruit someone else to help you get things done that week.

i do know how you feel about lazy and distant bm’s.  we only had my adult son and my dh sister stand up with us.  i didn’t expect much from my son, being a guy, but he was on time for tux fittings, never complained, first at the rehearsal, on time for the wedding pics, etc.  he even acted as mc at the dinner and gave us a beautiful speech as my man of honour.  after the wedding he and a friend cleaned everything up for us.  great help!! he was truly exited for us and to be apart of our day.

dh sister on the other hand was completely useless.  i let her pick her own dress (solid black, preferably long) and it took her months and months to pick one.  she got it only a couple weeks before the wedding and i never even saw it until the day of the wedding, even though i kept requesting a picture of her in it.  she did not help or lift a finger with one thing.  she showed up at the rehearsal when we were finished so we had to go over it again for her.  she was late for pics the day of the wedding and she left the reception early.  

i wasn’t expecting much from her b/c she never seemed that excited so i recruited my sister to help us out with wedding stuff.  i know that she is very reliable and she did a great job.  i gave her a nicer “thank you gift” than i gave my sil.

sorry this was so long, i get a bit disgusted when i think of it so i just needed to vent…just like you need to.  well, do that.  vent.  your wedding is in just over a month.  don’t expect anything from your sister and you won’t be as upset in the end.  rely on the people you can trust.

Post # 6
6377 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’ve been in your friends situation twice. If she’s anything like me, she just wants for you to have a great experience and doesn’t really care about the title. I would have never expected my friends to demote their Maid/Matron of Honor sisters even though they weren’t able to really do much (one was young and broke and the other was Out of Town and broke). As long as she knows how much you appreciate her efforts, that’s really all that matters. So yea, demoting your sister probably isn’t worth the drama and hurt feelings. 

Post # 8
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@REP92110:  that’s a great idea.  i’m sure your friend will sense your true appreciation for her support.  maybe just the two of you can go out for a quiet lunch somewhere to say an extra thank you to her.

Post # 9
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would have a talk with her before replacing her. I know that some feel being chosen is an honor and she may take it personally. I know I would be upset if I was replaced without being talked to.

And as a sister who was asked to be a maid of honor and I can say not all sisters are inconsiderate or bitches and even some brides can be unreasonable. I care about my sis’s wedding and want her happy on that day and help as much as I can when I can.

Post # 10
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My sister is getting married in less than a week and I am not her Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man and it doesn’t bother me at all even though we are close and I am getting married next year and she is not in my wedding party, but of course we will both be attending each others weddings. I have helped her with some planning and finding some stuff for the wedding and she did the same for me but I just think that is being a good sister. Maybe I am weird but I never really felt like family should be in the wedding party that it should be friends, your family would generally be involved anyway. Also I have another sister that I am not close with at all and it would be weird to have one sister be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and one not…

Basically it is YOUR wedding do what makes YOU happy, if your sister obviously doesn’t care about being involved in your wedding then she probably won’t care about being just a Bridesmaid or Best Man instead of Maid/Matron of Honor

Post # 11
33 posts

I wouldn’t replace her.  Instead, I would give the Bridesmaid or Best Man who has been such a huge help the special “MOH” gift.  When my friend picked her sis as Maid/Matron of Honor, I was really insulted but I got over it quickly because it was her sis and I understood, albeit disagreed, with her logic (they never got along so this was obviously a recipe for disaster).  When I was there for her way more than her Maid/Matron of Honor, I felt really underappreciated (and my other friends agreed) when she gave her Maid/Matron of Honor this really amazing Maid/Matron of Honor gift, but gave me the same gift as all the other BMs who had no hand in helping out with anything.  It wasn’t about the gift, because I don’t really care about that sort of thing, it was the fact that she singled out the Maid/Matron of Honor and treated me like the rest when I felt like I had put so much effort and it was almost as if it was unrecognized. 

So, my advice would be to do something a little extra for that Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Explain to her that in the interest of avoiding drama with your sis and in an effort to show how much you really appreciate her help, you’ve given her something a bit “more” for her gift.  It doesn’t have to be expensive or lavish – just something else that is special and different and singles her out, even if it’s in private.  This way, she’ll know that she was appreciated and the title won’t really matter. 

Post # 12
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@shaeshae18:  Agreed!

and I wouldn’t “demote” your sis, but I would encourage her to change her flight back to being a week before, and explain (again, probably) WHY you would like her out early. do this in the nicest possible way… good luck!

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