- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2014
Hi everyone. I’m having maid of honor angst and I really need some advice. And just to preface, I hope I don’t come off as petty or insensitive, I really am just confused. Sorry in advanced for the long post.
So I’ve been friends with this one girl since freshman year of college (I’m 28 now). Let’s call her Maria. Maria and I grew up in the same town and went to the same high school so we knew each other. We ended up going to universities right next to each other and we ended up becoming very close during college. I’m more a lone wolf type so I don’t have that many friends, therefore I really cherish my existing friendships. Maria has grown to be like a sister to me over the years and I’ve gotten really close with her family as well.
In 2010, she got engaged but last year (2011), her ex broke up with her because he was cheating on her. Maria was understandably incredibly devestated and was a wreck for about 8 months afterwards. I mean, she was really really bad. She lost 20 pounds off her already very thin frame, nearly got kicked out of business school, got fired because she missed 2 consecutive weeks of work, did not eat or drink anything, locked herself in her apartment and refused to talk to her family. I was seriously worried about her health. I live far away from her now (I’m in Sacramento and she’s in Los Angeles) and once it seemed like she wasn’t going to work or school, I offered to have her come to Sacramento and live with me for a while. After some resistance, she agreed and ended up staying with me for about 7 weeks. I live with my boyfriend (now fiance) and having her around was really hard. I spent every moment I wasn’t at work with her: cooked for her, drove her to a local therapist, literally sat with her for hours at a time while she talked and cried, wandered around malls to get her mind off things. My boyfriend was understanding for the first couple weeks, but once I started getting stressed and tired and depressed from just being overstretched with work, Maria and my own family issues, boyfriend began resenting her. We ended up getting in a lot of fights over her ,he kept saying she needed to leave but I didn’t think she was ready yet. Well, a long story short, she improved and felt ready to go back to Los Angeles and left. She did fly up about 5-7 times for a weekend trip, but she was functioning and began rejoining society.
This was all ended around February/March. Her birthday is May and I flew to Los Angeles to help her celebrate. It was REALLY weird. She was incredibly rude to me, very short, unhappy, just seemed pissed off all weekend. She ended up ditching me her birthday night to meet up with a guy she found off Craigslist. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. She left our hotel room without telling me and I was worried sick until she texted me saying she was with a guy and not to wait up. I was furious and when she came back in the morning, she apologized and started crying. I decided to let it go but I returned to Sacramento pretty upset and hurt with how the weekend turned out.
Since then, our friendship has been kind of off. During the summer, boyfriend and I began talking about rings and I was really conflicted because I wanted to share this with Maria but I knew she wasn’t ready for it. I ended up keeping the talks a secret and didn’t even tell her when we bought the ring. I did eventually let her know and she said herself that she was relieved I didn’t tell her because she wouldn’t “have taken it well”. Well, boyfriend and I got engaged in early October and I called Maria to let her know, she didn’t pick up. I ended up texting her and she took 12 hours to get back to me. She said congratulations and then said “I hope I’m still your maid of honor!”.
When Maria and I were in college, we had talked about being each other’s maids of honor. She and I don’t have siblings and it just seemed right at the time. I’d still like Maria to be my maid of honor, but things have been so weird lately that I don’t know what to do. Maria has gotten into the party scene in Los Angeles, is drinking every night and has made a ton of friends she goes partying with. I don’t have much to say to her anymore because she’s living the “luxe, urban, late 20s” lifestyle while I’m in Sacramento, going to work, being domestic, playing with my cats and going to farmer markets on the weekends with fiance. I was actually in Los Angeles on Thanksgiving weekend and we were suppose to meet, but I ended up canceling because she was being so wishy-washy about us meeting. I haven’t seen her since I’ve gotten engaged, she hasn’t seen my ring and hasn’t really expressed any interest in discussing wedding topics with me. She does occassionally still call me her “best friend”, make random comments on how she’s going to write the best maid of honor speech ever, and when I told her I went to a bridal boutique, she told me to not buy a dress until she comes up north, she’ll take me to San Francisco so we can “buy it together”.
What should I do?? I’m so confused and upset sometimes I break into tears about her. I know she WAS hurting, but I do she think she’s over her ex and is now just going nuts. I don’t drink, don’t really party, am saving up for a house, etc. She’s just concerned with going to bars, clubs, has a bazillion new friends she posts about on her Facebook who she goes on vacations with. I tried to keep in contact with her over the past couple months, but if she’s out with her new friends she won’t text me back for hours and only talks to me when she’s home by herself.
My fiance says it’s just a phase and she’ll grow out of it but I don’t know if she will. Will I regret it if I make her my maid of honor in hopes she “snaps” out of it, and she doesn’t and crashes and burn in the role? Or if I don’t make her my maid of honor, she’ll be incredibly hurt and our already fragile friendship will be broken. Sometimes I still see the old Maria when I talk to her, but it seems more and more times she’s getting sucked into this new businesswoman, Hollywood lifestyle and role. The way she talks, what she prioritizes has completely changed.
I have this other friend that I’ve know since middle school. We’ve always been close, but not as close as Maria and I. This friend has been amazing. She went to look at dresses with me, e-mails me wedding advice, created an entire pinterest board for my wedding theme, and has been just so lovely and positive. On top of that, she lives in Sacramento so she’s close by and always willing to do wedding stuff with me. I always knew this other friend would be a bridesmaid, but now I’m thinking if I should make her my maid of honor. I know Maria would be devestated if this other friend takes the role.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.