(Closed) Maid of Honor? I don't have one..

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@BeignetBride:  Oh darling, Such a shame that this happened and such a shame it came out now as well. I think your sister should definately be at the wedding, in whatever capacity you think she can fill. Perhaps you could ask your other bridesmaids to do the planning and Maid/Matron of Honor duties together?

Post # 4
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

i dont have a moh either. but i do have a witness. I have 6 bms (sisinlaw, his sister, two friends, and his two friends), and i wouldn’t promote any of them to moh. I dont need any help planning, i just want someone special to stand beside me, and be apart of this occasion. Is there some one else maybe a close relative, a special cousin, aunt, who has always been there for you. ask them if they could be your witness. 

Post # 6
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@BeignetBride:  Can your mom or future Mother-In-Law be the “go to person” or the one who helps them organize things?  The leader, if you will.  Normally, I would say just let your friends share the load equally, but since they’re asking for a leader, on of your mom’s could maybe do it.  My Fiance and I are having his mom and my mom sign our paperwork as witnesses, but they’re not standing up at the front with us.  Might work for you as a way to avoid hurt feelings or singling anyone out.

Post # 7
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It wouldn’t have been right for you to tell people why your sister was kicked out of the wedding up until the point that your mother decided to broadcast a private family matter to the world. She opened the floodgates for questions, and now it’s your choice whether you want to tell people why your sister isn’t in the wedding in your own defense.

Second, I wouldn’t have her in my Wedding Party. As harsh as that sounds, these kind of actions need a tough love approach. She did something very serious and doesn’t seem to have a grasp of how bad it was and the damage it did to your parents. if she doesn’t understand that her actions have consequences, she’s going to fail miserably at…life. She just can’t waltz through life feeding off your parents and expecting to get by that way. It’s up to them to make her pay them back and talk to her about what she did, but you shouldn’t coddle her either by ignoring her actions and pretending like they didn’t hurt you, too. After all, how can anyone, yourself included, be expected to trust her with anything anymore?

Post # 9
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BeignetBride:  “I think they can plan together, but they really don’t have one person they can desginate as the “leader”. Not too big a deal (because I have offered to help and pay for things) but they will NOT let me help or plan anything. At the same time, they have said things about not having any organization or one person to go to for things.”

Honestly, I think your bridesmaids are making WAY too much of this.  I had to replace my original maid of honor because I’ve dropped this girl as a friend altogether (it’s a very long story which I’ve talked about in other posts), and even though I asked one of my bridesmaids to step up to be Maid/Matron of Honor, she is Maid/Matron of Honor in name only.  She has done absolutely nothing to help me plan the wedding and didn’t throw me a bridal shower (my mother did that with absolutely no help from MOH) or a bachelorette.  As for my Maid/Matron of Honor being the one person for everyone else to go to for things?  That’s laughable!  The only one person for anyone to go to for anything in my wedding has been me.  I planned almost the entire wedding by myself without much help from anyone and it honestly was very lonely, but I did it and now I’m PROUD to have accomplished all of this by myself!  Honestly, it would have been wonderful to have had more help than I did and I’ve often wished that I had a better Maid/Matron of Honor, but I survived just fine without a real Maid/Matron of Honor, and so will you!  Hang in there. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@BeignetBride:  How frustrating. I think there’s a good chance she has some sociopath tendencies in addition to the other neuroses you mentioned. There’s clearly something very deeply rooted in her that craves attention and disregards how her actions affect others, and for her sake, I hope your parents seek to get her therapy to deal with these issues.

However, I think the healthiest thing for you right now might be realize that you cannot change or control her, nor your parents reactions to her. Try to let go a little bit and realize that if your parents don’t mind being taken advantage of, then you can’t change that. You are not responsible for her. What you can control is what part she has in your wedding and in your life.

Post # 11
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

🙁 Sorry to hear what you’re dealing with.  It sounds like you have a few things going on; 

1.  Your sister.  She sounds a lot like my brother, who isn’t even invited to my wedding.  It was the most painful decision I’ve ever made in my life, but he keeps proving that I made the right decision, so at least I don’t feel guilty about it anymore.

You don’t have to have her in your wedding party if you don’t want to.  You can say to her, “It sounds like this is something that you’re not too excited about; would you rather just hang out as a guest and not have to do any of the work that the bridesmaids are doing?  I love you and can’t wait to celebrate my wedding with you, but I don’t want you to have to do any work or pay for something that you think is silly, and it honestly hurts a little bit that you feel that way about it anyway.”

2.  Picking between your friends; if you think there needs to be some organization, get your friends together and say just that, and then say, “So I’m asking Tiffany to be my maid of honor because she’s indicated that she has some free time to take on a project like this and she’s good at organizing things.”  (after talking to Tiffany alone)  You absolutely don’t have to have a maid of honor, but if you feel like it will make things go more smoothly and help you out to have one, go ahead and pick someone.  No one’s going to be offended that they asked for organization and you gave it to them, especially not if you’re careful to include everybody in things like a pre-wedding bridesmaid luncheon.  You can ask the photographer to avoid a MOH+Bride photo, ask them if they want to make a joint toast or designate a person to make a toast, etc.

I totally feel you on this one too, the first time I got married I did the same thing.  It taught me a lesson; you want your Maid/Matron of Honor to be someone who fully supports you and not someone who is going to flake out on you but was a good choice for not offending anyone.

3.  Your mom.  She had no right to force your sister into your wedding party through guilt.  A lot of people will tell you that family has a right, but the truth is that family has the privilege.  It’s a privilege that stretches beyond what most people get, but it’s still a privilege.  I agree with anemonie, you can’t control your parents and you can control yourself, but your parents are going to put pressure on you to coddle her as well.  You don’t have to give in to that pressure.  You can tell your parents that not coddling her IS your way of loving her.

ETA: For point 2, it’s good to include someone but if Tiffany does take over as Maid/Matron of Honor, remember that she’s taking on an extra workload, so it’s appropriate to call her maid of honor and give her some extra thanks, and shouldn’t offend anyone else.

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