Post # 1
So my maid of honor found out in January that she is pregnant. She is 42 years old and has only been dating the father (who happens to be 29) for a few months, so needless to say she was shocked and it wasn’t planned but of course I am very happy for them and have been very supportive. Most of the family wasn’t sure if she would decide to keep the baby because she has never wanted a child, but she has decided to and again we are all very supportive.
So last week she asked if we could go look for the bridesmaid dresses because she wanted to go while she would still be able to fit in one of the larger sizes and zip it up to see what it looks like before she gains anymore weight. So we go and pick out a dress and she seems excited and comes to my birthday dinner later that night and everything seems fine.
Now, 2 weeks later, she is telling my mom that she doesn’t want to be in the bridal party anymore and wants to drop out. She claims this is because she has a high-risk pregnancy, but she is due in August and my wedding is next May, so I am not sure what that really has to do with anything. She will have the baby and have 8-9 months before the wedding. Now I would be more understanding of dropping out if she was 8-9 months pregnant when the wedding was and felt uncomfortable/sick/etc., but that is not the case. And she didn’t even tell me directly, she went through my mom.
Also, it is not money related. I picked a dress that is $119 for the BMs and offered to pay for it, said she could use whatever nude shoes she wants and that hair/makeup is up to her. In addition, I am not having a bachelorette party and my mom offered to cover her share of the shower…
So I said fine, we will have uneven bridal party (since Fiance has 6 people and I now have 5) and I just won’t have a maid-of-honor, no big deal…but of course I am hurt and think she is being a bit selfish and it was rude not to even tell me this directly, so I said I wouldn’t want her invited to the wedding or anything anymore. The only problem is she is my step-dad’s sister, so now she is making a huge deal about how she HAS to be invited, but I don’t see why she should be…
Am I over-reacting? How would you bees handle this situation? Should she still be invited to everything after doing this to me? Should I ask someone to fill-in for her spot or leave it uneven and not have a maid of honor? Even if I ask someone to fill-in, I am not really close enough to anyone to ask them to be my Maid/Matron of Honor…what a disaster, I feel like I have no friends and nobody cares about my wedding 🙁
Post # 3
Take it from someone who had a Maid/Matron of Honor want to drop out, but kept begging her to stay, that it’ll be so so much better if she doesn’t want to be there for her to just do her own thing. My “friend” (I used that term loosely) caused me so much stress right up until the day of my wedding. You don’t want that. And you’ll never figure out WHY she’s acting the way she is. It’s just how these things go, for some weird reason!!
Post # 4
I think this lady has some extreme pregnancy hormone mood swings going on.
Why wouldnt she talk to you about this instead of your mom, she isnt being honest with you and that sucks!. And as you pointed out she has 8-9 months after the birth till your wedding. I would just sit down and talk to her about this. Dotn say who said what but just ask what she is thinking.
I wouldnt blame you for not wanting her there after her dishonestly and drama. But also, you may regret not inviting her. And well to void further drama, i would.
Post # 5
@Futuremrsswheatie: If she doesn’t want to be in your wedding anymore, then don’t force her to, regardless of what reason she is giving you. I also wouldn’t ask someone to replace her…I think that’s kind of insulting to the replacement person who wasn’t good enough to be in your wedding in the first place!
Post # 6
Speak with her directly. Your post doesn’t make it clear that you have done that. I am constantly amazed at the number of Bees who get all upset about something they have heard second or third hand.
Your Mom may have misinterpreted something. Your Maid/Matron of Honor may have been having a bad day to do with her high risk pregnancy. Maybe she had just been to the doctor’s and received some worrisome information. She may have been floating the idea to your Mom because she feared what your reaction would be?
Even if she steps down as Maid/Matron of Honor, it most cases it is not cause to strike someone from your friendship list. Wouldn’t you rather that someone was straight with you than deal with the issues that other Bees post about all during the planning period- Maid/Matron of Honor or BM’s copping out on shopping, bridal fairs, venue search ? (not that any of those are mandatory).
Post # 7
If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to. It’s not appropriate for you to evaluate the reasons she’s offered. Just graciously thank her and wish her the best.
Post # 8
@Futuremrsswheatie: Not inviting her to the wedding at all may be a little harsh 🙁 I think your feelings are valid though. I always have a little more sympathy for pregnant ladies. Not to say that she did the right thing (cause I don’t agree with it at all).
I would say just bite the bullet and invite her but you don’t have to be all that friendly. Sorry this happened to you!
Post # 9
I think she was using the pregnancy as an excuse not to be involved for a different reason. I think if someone wants to step down, you should always be gracious and allow them to step down. Should she have told you and been honest about her reason, yes. Did you do the right thing allowing her to step down, also yes.
That said, I think uninviting her to the wedding is pretty far. She was important enough to be in the bridal party (your Maid/Matron of Honor at that!), but she is suddenly so unimportant to you that she can’t attend as a guest? Even when brides “kick girls out” of the wedding party for various reaons, most are still at least invited to the wedding.
Post # 10
@Futuremrsswheatie: i get why you are upset, but not inviting her to the wedding is childish.
Post # 11
@julies1949: You are right, I haven’t spoken with her directly and I do hope she will reach out to me to talk about it rather than just expecting my mom to tell me. She is kind of a flakey person in general about things, so it doesn’t really surprise me.
Post # 12
If your wedding isnt for a year and a few months then why is this such a major life crisis now? I remember pregnancy. Hormones bouncing all over the place and not being in your right mind. Let it go for now and see what happens when you get closer to the date? She may change her mind once things settle and if she still doesnt want to be your Maid/Matron of Honor then fine, invite her to the wedding and move on. You have plenty of time to work this all out.
Post # 13
@Futuremrsswheatie: I think you should call her. You said in your update you haven’t talked to her first hand but it doesn’t look like you’re going to call her first even though you’re the one upset that she isn’t a Maid/Matron of Honor anymore…how did she get the notion that she wasn’t even invited anymore?
I would be the bigger person and just call and ask her why she dropped out. I mean, honestly, she might feel like right now she can’t handle it, and your date is pretty far off where this could be resolved without her resorting to saying she’s not going to be in it and you resorting to not even inviting her (which I think is very drastic measures to take).
By the way, maybe it is better this way though if she’s flakey. Regardless, I don’t see why you wouldn’t at least invite her. Nobody is handling this situation very well.
Post # 14
Sounds like she’s feeling a little insecure about her situation in life right now. Maybe was just venting to your mom. Maybe you should show her some support and let her know that you’re fine with whatever she decides to do but of course she’ll still be invited to the wedding because she’s an important person in your life.
Post # 15
@Futuremrsswheatie: Why don’t you give her a call and ask her about your concerns?
“Hey, I heard from my mom that you are thinking you might not want to be in the bridal party anymore. Is something wrong?”
Maybe you unintentionally offended her, maybe she’s freaking out about this pregnancy, or maybe something else is going on entirely. You won’t know until you talk to her.
Not inviting her to the wedding would be a friendship-ending move.
Post # 16
@MrsD41503: You are so right, I know she was already complaining about the shower and I am sure it wouldn’t have stopped with just that, so it is probably better in the long-run.