Maid of Honor issues!

posted 6 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

Just wanted to add that I disagree DW are just a way to pass the wedding costs onto guests. FI and I are spending $27k on 45 guests. We’re doing DW because that was what our families and friends had wanted. Otherwise, we could have very easily spent half that price on twice the number of people at a venue close to where we live. 

OP, sounds like your friend really just wants to complain, repeatedly, to make you feel like she’s giving up so much for you. I would just tell her that if she’s uncomfortable with the costs, you’d be happy to have her Skype in on the ceremony. 

Post # 17
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

Have you estimated how much your friends are paying to attend? Honestly, if you’re only paying $5k, they’re probably paying half of what you are just to attend your wedding- that’s crazy right? I’m assuming you picked a DW cause it was cheaper for you? Which just means you got to spend less and all your guests are spending more- aka transferring the cost of your wedding to them. 

Post # 19
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

lisamariebee :   I completely agree with PPs that DWs are expensive and can be a huge financial burden on guests. With that said, guests are not required to accept an invite to a DW, including your bridal party. If it’s causing such a financial problem for her, she shouldn’t have accepted the role in the first place or should sit down and have an honest conversation with you instead of making you feel guilty about it. I, personally, would not have told her that your company is covering your costs, but what’s done is done. If I were you, I would probably try talking to her privately. If she is receptive and you are able to contribute at all to her costs, I would probably offer something. 

Post # 21
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I get that she probably didn’t think the costs all the way through when she accepted and now has sticker shock, but she’s not being fair. If there was a problem paying for things she needed to come to you before payment was due and explain that her finances were not where she thought and she would be unable to make that purchase. She can’t say she’s totally happy to pay and then make constant passive aggressive jabs about it afterwards. If you are willing to offer to cover some costs maybe you should sit her down and say ‘BM, I’ve noticed you’ve been talking a lot about how much this wedding is costing you. I appreciate all you are doing for me and was wondering if you need any help covering costs. It upsets me to think that you’re unhappy and I want to make this a good time for everyone.’ Even if she doesn’t accept it would hopefully stop her going on about it.

Post # 22
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

lisamariebee :  she assumed your company was going to cover the costs of your accommodations? Really? I don’t believe that for a second because that’s absolutely the most absurd thing I’ve heard. I don’t even know if I believe that your company is supposedly covering your costs. 

You also stated earlier that you told her this and she got angry and rightfully so, so which is it? Obviously you’ve been some sort of annoyance to her or said something or she’s feeling resentlful. Other PPs have said this: you can politely tell her to bow out and let her know it’s okay if it’s too much, or you can suck it up and listen. 

Edit: also 5K is nothing on a wedding especially where your guests are paying $1100 to attend. 

Post # 23
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee

How is it that a week at a resort is $1100, when her child’s airfare is $800? Unless of course you’re not including airfare- which if you did, for a couple to attend your wedding it’s $4k….

Are you requiring them to be there for 7 days??

Post # 25
Member
7062 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My guess is that thier is error on both sides here. Your MOH constantly mentioning how much this is costing her would absolutly be annoying and bringing you down. But maybe you aren’t seeming appreciative of the sacrifices she is making. 

I think best solution is to set some time aside to spend with her, maybe go out for a meal or invite her over for some girl time, and talk about this. She’s your best friend you should be able to have a conversation where you say “You know, you’ve been bringing up the costs of my wedding a lot latly and while I totally understand and appreciate how much you are spending and sacrificing to make it, your comments are really starting to bring me down.” Listen to what she has to say, don’t just be defensive, and work it out. Sometimes there are conflicts in a friendship but if she’s close enough to you to be your MOH then you should be able to talk to her about this!

I know you mentioned it to her already but it sounds like that was right after she said something and I feel like sometimes it’s better to address a situation with a bit of distance from it.

Post # 28
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

DW bride here, also October 2017!  Truthfully, you won’t get any sympathy on the bee.  For some reason destiation weddings are taboo on this board.

My MOH (1 of 2) was my best friend from college.  Since we got engaged she got pregnant and had a baby.  About 6 months later she started constantly cancelling plans, never responded to my texts to the bridal party, etc.  It had been MONTHS that I hadn’t seen her because she was constantly cancelling on us.  Finally, I couldn’t bite my tongue any longer and I basically said “look, I know you agreed to be in the wedding before having the baby and I would still love for you to be there, but I know its a lot to travel and such with a toddler.  If you would rather be a guest that is ok but if you and husband cannot make it that is ok to. No hard feelings, obviously your circumstances changed.”  She told me that she can’t make it (along with a narrative about how spending all that money on someone who doesn’t care about her life is ridiculous).  Obviously we had some other issues. But I feel 100% better even though I lost someone who used to be a good friend. 

I will warn you, I haven’t spoken to her since.  Which is unfortuante but I wasn’t hearing from her much before that either.

Sit down with her.  Tell her that you feel bad making her spend the money and give her an out if she wants one.  Tell her that there are no hard feelings.  But explain why you wanted a DW in the first place.  And tell her it was never your intention to put her in a financial hole.  See what you can do to help.  So many people think that DW’s are selfish.  I don’t agree, obviously because we are having one but many people have that opinion. 

Post # 29
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t feel a DW is selfish, nor would I agree to attend one if it was going to put me in debt. I certainly would never try to guilt the bride after agreeing to be part of it. That’s out of line. I think it’s nice that you’re paying for her child’s ticket. At this point, the next time she brings it up, I’d simply say, “It sounds like this has put too much financial stress on you. If you need to step down, I will completely understand.” You don’t agree to go to a DW wedding and then expect someone else to pay for it. So rude.

Post # 30
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

lisamariebee :  From the way you describe it your MoH sounds rude. You didn’t play hide the ball about the cost, so if she had trouble with it then she should’ve been up front with you about that. The only thing I will say is maybe she meant it in an “Look how much I love you, I wouldn’t shell out this much for just any friend” sort of way? It’s a clumsy delivery for sure, but maybe she still meant well.  

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