(Closed) Maid of Honor Issues (long)

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Well…I think you’re right not to have her as Maid/Matron of Honor. If you think of her as a bitch and are fed up with being supportive of her in the messy life she’s in then it’s pretty obvious you’re not good enough friends for her to be in your wedding.

 

But, as to what you should do about the friendship…I think this situation goes beyond the two of you “growing apart”. That might have happened anyway since your lifestyles are different and you’re living in different places. As you get older you’ll have more of those types of friends—the ones who you think of from time to time, maybe send a Christmas card if you think of it, hear about them from mutual friends.

You two are not grown-apart friends, you are fighting enemies. I think your mom is right, that someone needs to take a step to resolve this fight. Someone, and your mom thinks it should be you, needs to be the bigger person and say “I got too upset about something trivial. I looked at your actions and assumed that your motives were bad. We might not ever be close friends again, but I don’t want to have this spite between us.” And then you see what she does, and you go on from there.

We don’t ever know 100% what’s going on in someone else’s life. Just like she sees you from the outside and assumes you’ve never known what it’s like to go without things, you are probably also making assumptions about her. You probably are in very different paths of your life, and you might not ever be close friends again.

 

TL;DR: You could leave things the way they are and be mad at her. Or you could try being the better person and see what happens. No guarantees either way. You choose which kind of person you’d rather be.

Post # 4
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I would try to distance myself from a person like that. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You should try to avoid people in your life who bring you down. And, you can’t change her.

I do understand why she’s upset b/c you first told her you could pay for both of their tickets and then only hers. I don’t get it, she said she couldn’t come to the wedding so naturally she wouldn’t be Maid/Matron of Honor. Did you say it in a snotty way? Maybe that’s why she blew up. You probably should have been more sympathetic. 

Post # 5
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry that this situation is happening to you but honestly, I would say that this may be a friend that you no longer want to have.  It sucks, but it sounds like that’s what is best in this situation.

Post # 7
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@KT_Hime:  I know I’m late to the party, but I don’t think it’s worth making up.  It is not your fault that she made some poor life choices.

From her end, the classy thing to have done when you asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor was to say, “Look, this is something I really would have liked to do, but with my financial situation right now I’m unable to.”  Even though you offered her airfare, she should not have expected you to fly her husband out.  That’s just insane to me.

I do think you ended up saying things in-the-moment, but at the same time, if this side of you is what she brings out, is that someone you really want in your life?

With the bridesmaid that I ended up dropping (who has a lot of similarities to your ex-MOH), I immediately regretted asking her when we talked.  She said she wanted to be a bridesmaid, but “money is really tight for me right now” and “it’s hard to get time off work” and “I might get pregnant this year”.  I flat-out said multiple times that it wasn’t going to be a big deal if she couldn’t do it, but she insisted.

Fast forward to the bridesmaids’ dress selection.  I decided to pick the color, the fabric, and the dress line (with the help of the bridesmaids), and each bridesmaid could pick her own dress (I’m buying them to help offset their travel costs for the wedding).  Everyone except for this woman provided me feedback and input to the dress lines they liked and what styles they liked.  Later, when I said that they should go pick their dress styles, she e-mails me to say that there aren’t any dresses in the line that she could wear, and she wouldn’t be offended if I asked her to step down.  No “Let’s see if we can make this work”.  I was livid.  It was as if she was looking for an excuse to not be a part of the wedding, even though I was clear from the start that if it was going to be difficult for her that it wasn’t a big deal if she could go.  Just be straight with me – if you can’t do it, just say no!  Don’t say “yes” but then give me a laundry list of reasons why you can’t do it or why it’s hard.  Ick.

Later she complained that it was her money situation, and that I would understand once I’m “supporting my husband and child” (last I checked, Fiance makes more than me and if anything we’re equal partners financially).  She also said that her kid’s birthday is two days after the wedding and that “it’s hard not to be with your 3-year-old for that” (huh? you would have been home by then!).  A few weeks later she sent an e-mail saying that despite her dire financial situation (and claims that she wants to get out of debt), her husband and her decided to undergo IVF to have another child, but not as a reason to not go to the wedding (WTF?!?).  She then insisted that I should still send her an invite even though she and her husband couldn’t attend, in order for her to send a “nice gift, because that’s what friends do.”  Double ick.  I don’t need ‘friends’ like that.

At the end of my really long story, the point is that I don’t get her at all anymore, and she doesn’t get me at all anymore either.  This is despite our 15+ years of being friends.  When she got married I busted my butt to go to her reception, an 8-hour drive from where I was living (her church forbids non-members from attending the ceremony), and bought a really, really nice gift that her husband raved about every time I visited them.  Speaking of religion, she managed a jab at that as well “I didn’t mention this because I didn’t want to make this about religion, because it’s not; but we have different religious points of view and I see marriage and weddings differently from you” (what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?).  She’s just a different person than what I remember, and unfortunately the person she is now is someone that the person I am now cannot be friends with.  Life is too short to deal with that.  In an ideal world, it would be nice if we could resolve our differences and still be friends, but realistically, I don’t think it’s possible even if we wanted to.

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