(Closed) Maid of Honor Miles away??

posted 11 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 32
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

My maid of honor and one of my other bridesmaids also live across the country. The others are either busy with school or have jobs with crazy hours (nurse on night shifts) and can’t be around to help me with things.

I’m pretty much doing it all myself, which is fine with me. I don’t know if I will even have a bachelorette party, because my bridesmaids are not really the type to go out drinking or dancing.

Truthfully, I kind of wish now that I wasn’t having attendants, because it would  simplify my to-do list and save me a lot of money that I don’t have (bm dresses, gifts, bouquets). But I can’t very well un-ask people…

Post # 33
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The only other person attending our wedding that lives in the same timezone as me is Mr.Scooter. So I’m not really concerned with what the long-distance folks can or can’t do, since it includes almost everybody.

Post # 34
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I live in NYC and my Maid/Matron of Honor lived in Houston. She was so awesome.  Sure she can’t help me with making anything but she flew up and helped me pick my wedding dress.  When I went home to San Antonio she drove 3 hours to see me and then help me make my veil.  She always answered her phone to listen to me bounce ideas off of her.  She flew to my bachlorette party in Vegas and on the day of the wedding, she was sooo amazing.  She fix my veil and dress when I forgot to.  I asked her like 3 times during the wedding to run up to the bridal suite to get me stuff and she never told me no.  I would not have wanted to pick someone else just because they lived closer. 

Post # 35
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think its completely old fashioned that any bridal party member has to be responsible for helping.

If someone wants to throw you a bridal shower then they can and should. No one should be expected to do it, especially from far away. Under any other circumstance you’d never approach a friend and say “I designate you my best friend, its your obligation to throw my birthday party this year”.

When push comes to shove, its your wedding and your task to deal with. Seems like your mom and Future Mother-In-Law think that your long distance wedding party puts the burden on them. But, the way I see it, that’s not the case. You don’t HAVE to have a bridal shower. Your Maid/Matron of Honor shouldn’t feel obligated nor should mom or Future Mother-In-Law. If the WANT to, then they should without being snarky and making a big stink as if they’re picking up the slack.

Ultimately, its you and your fiances wedding. If anyone else close to you decides to participate and contribute (from financial to emotional) that is there decision. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is already doing her part, its not her fault she lives far away. Mom and Future Mother-In-Law can grow up and learn that nowadays people are scattered around the country due to jobs, school and other obligations and its completely unrealistic that a wedding will be a small town affair with everyone local to pitch in.

You will ruin and end your friendship if you give in and demote her. Its incredibly insulting. Don’t listen to your mom and Future Mother-In-Law. I don’t know where they’re getting this from but they seem rude. A wedding isn’t a time to start competing for who is closer/better/more awesome to the couple. This isn’t preschool. They won’t earn a gold star for picking up the “slack” nor should your Maid/Matron of Honor be put on time out for not playing by their rules.

All these comments from everyone else should go to show that many many many people are in your shoes with a wedding party scattered about. And, if you ask someone closer by to fill the role as your mom and Future Mother-In-Law suggest, that person will eventually catch on and probably resent you for exploiting their proximity to the event.

Go with your gut. Tell your mom and Future Mother-In-Law that none of this should be a burden on anyone, including them, so stop worrying that they’ll get left doing everything.

Post # 36
Member
5592 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ok… I admit I haven’t read all the other posts, but…

I think you just have to be willing to change your expectations.  I think a lot of people get caught up in what their bridesmaids/MOH can help them with.  If that’s important to you, then by all means demote her.

I didn’t have a single in-town bridesmaid.  Two lived 5 hours away, one 3 hours away on an island, and my Maid/Matron of Honor was in Australia for the entire planning process and made it home a couple weeks before the wedding. 

I was clear with them from the beginning that all I expected of them was for them to show up in the day, in the dress, and provide emotional support. 

It would have been fun to have them over to stuff invitations over a few glasses of wine, but it just wasn’t a reasonable expectation.

I hope you’re able to work it out; 🙂

Post # 37
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My Maid/Matron of Honor lives 8 hours away and she still helps me all the time! I mean even down to picking out all the dresses (I have 9 bridesmaids) While I was at work she went to Davids Bridal and tried on dress after dress after dress and kept emailing them to me until I liked a dress! I never even went to Davids Bridal to see them until about a month ago but already had half my girls order them. She has picked out my shoes different DIY things.. she has been a HUGE help even though she is 8 hours away! So its definitely possible to still have a long distance Maid/Matron of Honor and still have help with things you wouldnt think she could help with. I mean she even figured out my florist situation for me one day because I was stressed about it and couldnt get out of work to call them. I think if you truly think she is your best friend or for whatever reason you have her as a Maid/Matron of Honor then you shouldnt change it because she lives far away!

Post # 39
Member
3674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

My Maid/Matron of Honor was my only sister, and she lives far away. There was no questions about it though, she was the only person I wanted. One day she called me and told me that she was watching Bridezillas and the bridesmaids were helping with programs, favors, etc. before the wedding and do I want her to help with things? I told her that of course not, she’s too far away so that’s kind of silly, and I just wanted her there the day of and all would be good. I feel like it’s more important that they’re there to support you on your day and to talk leading up to the wedding then help with things.

Also, she was able to be extremely helpful from far away. She helped plan an amazing bachelorette party weekend trip, shower, and she found all of my bridesmaids and me our hair accessories.

Post # 39
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Silver Shores Waterfront

I am in a wedding, im the bridesmaid, the brides future step daughter who is 8 is a bridesmaid and the brides sister is maid of honor and she lives in Flordia.  And I have been made responsible for everything else in the wedding. Any time a craft needs done, I am the one who is there doing them. I am not trying to sound selfish at all, but I feel like I should have got a heads up. “Hey my maid of Honor lives out of state are you okay with taking on all the duties” 

Post # 40
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think the role is much more about the relationship than the tasks.  My sister was my maid of honor and we live in different states.  Another of my bridesmaids also lived in a different state, and I was getting married in a different state than I live as well.  It definitely took more coordination, but everyone was there for the shower and bachelorette and wedding of course.  To be honest I didn’t expect that to happen, but I had a small party and everyone wanted to make it work.  We had to have the shower 9 weeks before the wedding- so a little earlier than typical, but that is what worked, and we planned the bachelorette party the same weekend as the shower.  We actually all picked out the dress together too!  It was actually a fluke everyone was in the same place at the same time!  It was 10 months before the wedding- so a little earlier than most, but it is what worked.  

If I was close enough to someone to be asked to be their maid of honor, I would definitely have no problem flying out as long as it was a domestic flight.  It definitely would be financially hard, and I might be only able to come in one other time besides the wedding, but I would make it work.   

Post # 41
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
niki8911:  my Maid/Matron of Honor is two hours away, 2 bridesmaids are 4 hours, 1 bridesmaid is 7 hours and another bridesmaid is 12 hours. I actually had my fiancé come to davids bridal last weekend so I could get his opinion on what shoe looked best with the bridesmaid dress (that I was wearing). because of the distance i didn’t want a bridal shower or bachelorette party. as long as they make it day of that is all I need

Post # 42
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

this post is from 4 yrs ago….

Post # 43
Member
2221 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

I’m planning on halving a matron of honor (4 hours away and just had a baby) and a maid of honor (lives close by, see her the most, will be the most helpful). 

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