(Closed) main of dis-honor?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
13295 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a really tough one.  On one hand, your whole opinion of her is colored based on this major mistake she’s made, or has continued making.  On the other hand, she’s a good enough friend that she made the short list of your Maid/Matron of Honor “candidates.” 

Yes, what she is allegedly doing is wrong.  How did you find out about the affair?  Have you confronted your friend and asked her about it?  Until you know it’s true, I think you should hold off on any big decisions. 

Good luck!

Post # 5
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

In the words of Salt n’ Pepper: “There’s only one true judge and that’s God. So chill, and let my brother do his job.”

Your Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to be the one standing next to you because you love her. Love doesn’t go along very well with judgment. You may not condone her behavior, but it has nothing to do with you. It’s really up to you. It’s what you would feel most comfortable with. It’s your wedding day. But, as someone who has wrecked a few friendships because I was too judgmental, and who has had a few friends judge me, I figured out a long time ago that imposing your morals on your friends is a waste of time that only leads to broken hearts.

Post # 6
13295 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ississues:  Okay, that clears up a bit for me.  Honestly, only you can make this decision.  Tangled made some great points about how she should be next to you because you love her that much, but at the same time, it’s your wedding, and if her standing up as your Maid/Matron of Honor makes you uncomfortable because of your morals, then that’s your decision.  You want to be comfortable and happy on your wedding day, not worried about your bridal party.  Maybe in the next year you’ll be able to move past this? 

Post # 7
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Tangled:  +1

Actually +100. 

Post # 8
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is this a decision you absolutely have to make right now?  Can it wait until the end of the year, or whenever you place the bridesmaid dress order?

I try really hard not to be judgey with my friends, but my first marriage ended in large part because of my XH’s cheating, so being in your situation would have the potential of causing friction between my friend and me.  It would just be hard for me to treat her lover as a proper boyfriend given the circumstances, and I could see that creating distance.

But why not see how things go for now?  It’s possible (dare I say, likely?) her affair will fizzle shortly anyway, as these things tend to do.

Post # 9
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would say that by the time your wedding comes around this will have probably resolved itself by ending. If you can get past that her morals do not reflect yours and still maintain a relationship with her then it will work itself out before the wedding.

Post # 10
1736 posts
Bumble bee

@Tangled:  Agree 100%

I would assume she confessed to you because she trusts you and confided in you because she needs help and guidance, not judgement. Her values do not reflect yours – and you can continue to love and support her without condoning her actions.

You love her enough to ask her to stand beside you on your wedding day. Her mistakes (past, present and future) shouldn’t change how you feel about her.  We all do stupid things…but it’s our friends that lift us up and help us carry on.

Post # 11
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I guess I’ll be in the minority here… but I would have trouble asking her to be my maid of honor. A wedding is the ultimate celebration of the institution of marriage, not a day that’s all about defining your friendships. Don’t judge her, don’t stop loving her, but if this breach of the marriage contract upsets you, then don’t have her be your maid of honor and then regret the mockery. That being said, if it stops bothering you, there’s no problem and you should have her do it, but if it really doesn’t sit right with you, tell her honestly. She should know she’s not doing the right thing, and hopefully would understand. From your description, it does strike me as a little worse than just a situation where she got involved with a random married man, she actually knows the family well… Again, the wedding day is about your marriage, not your friendships, and if you’re close enough for her to confess these things to you, she should understand. 

Post # 12
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a tough one but I’m goign to have to say I personally would have a huge problem asking someone to stand up with me while I am getting married who is clearly disrespecting the institution of marriage.  I know she is not the only one at fault and she isn’t the married one, but still she is completely wrong in what she is doing.  I think you can still be there for her as a friend and not judge her for her actions, but to me that does not mean you also have to have her be your Maid/Matron of Honor.  Do what your gut is telling you.

Post # 13
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree to put this off a bit, if you can. Things are always most shocking at first. Think about if  your friend had done this ten years ago and you had the advantage of time. My prediction would be that the affair would probably have ended quickly. She would have felt really bad about it. You would have thought it was a horrible thing for her to do, but you would see how hurt she was by it all and how much she regretted it and you would have known she is still a good person who respects marriage but got caught up in a bad situation. Then when your wedding rolled around you would have been so excited to have her as Maid/Matron of Honor because this affair was no longer defining her in your mind because you had time to get over it. The problem is that this is happening right now and it’s in the forfront of your mind. So give it some time. Because I think, in the end, you’d regret not having her in your party over this.

Post # 14
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

If you would want her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor without this confession, you should ask her.

I’m not sure why you hold her to a higher standard than the guy. She’s not married. She’s not cheating. He is. It is hard to watch your friends make bad decisions, but try to be supportive. Don’t punish her by leaving her out of the wedding party.

Post # 15
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

She has no respect for marriage. That is clear. Therefore, I can understand feeling uncomfortable having her play such a huge part in a ceremony that she feels is meaningless. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing a different friend for you Maid/Matron of Honor.


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