Post # 1
so i recently found out that one of my best friends who i was considering to ask to be one of my maid of honors has been sleeping with someone else’s husband. i think i was in a little bit of shock when i found out and didnt really say much but as i thought about it more and more – it just made me double think about having her in my wedding party at all let alone as my maid of honor. i’m a little bit conflicted because is not like she’s done anything to me directly, and we’ve been friends for a good 6-7 years but out of morals & principles, what she is doing is wrong. when we started our friendship i feel she was a completely different person and over hte years has done things that is out of character for her to the point where some times i feel she’s a little self destructive and over the years for this same reason we’ve had our very many ups & downs.
im wondering is it okay to still have her standing nxt to me as we’re taking our vows of marriage or is that way too ironic. im really confused as to what to do or to think. i don’t know the wife of the husband she’s sleeping with, but i do know their son. she was dating the son & staying at his family’s house for a few months. i feel bad because at the end of hte day this lady innocently took her in, gave her room & board becuase she was going out with the son & is a family’s friend and she took advantage of the situation and started havign an affair with the husband who is the boyfriend stepfather. i tend to be a little uptight and too centered on black & white to see the gray so i would love to know what other ppl think or would feel about a situation like this. shes a great great friend to me, but sometimes i wonder if that’s enough to accept a lot of the things she does in the name of being a ‘non-judgmental friend’.
Post # 3
This is a really tough one. On one hand, your whole opinion of her is colored based on this major mistake she’s made, or has continued making. On the other hand, she’s a good enough friend that she made the short list of your Maid/Matron of Honor “candidates.”
Yes, what she is allegedly doing is wrong. How did you find out about the affair? Have you confronted your friend and asked her about it? Until you know it’s true, I think you should hold off on any big decisions.
Post # 4
@abbie017: she confessed it to me a couple of nights ago. she said it had been going on for about 2 months already. every so often we’ll talk and she’ll have these (now dreaded by me) ‘confession time – where it is her usually telling me about somethign that she’s done that she knows i will disapprove of or that goes against my principles or what i would do. shes a great friend to me like i said and cares about me and i about her which is why im so conflicted but i also wonder when is enough enough. im a person that i dont trust easily to begin wiht and there have been a couple of times where she’s let me down already.
i just think that if I’m getting married, i would hate for someone to do that to me once im married and have built a family. i think the guy of course is wrong too, but i hold the woman always more accountable, because i feel that as women we should have more respect for one another and rise above what any guy would do. but like i mentioned i tend to be more uptight, so im not sure if im making too big of a deal out of this.
Post # 5
In the words of Salt n’ Pepper: “There’s only one true judge and that’s God. So chill, and let my brother do his job.”
Your Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to be the one standing next to you because you love her. Love doesn’t go along very well with judgment. You may not condone her behavior, but it has nothing to do with you. It’s really up to you. It’s what you would feel most comfortable with. It’s your wedding day. But, as someone who has wrecked a few friendships because I was too judgmental, and who has had a few friends judge me, I figured out a long time ago that imposing your morals on your friends is a waste of time that only leads to broken hearts.
Post # 6
@ississues: Okay, that clears up a bit for me. Honestly, only you can make this decision. Tangled made some great points about how she should be next to you because you love her that much, but at the same time, it’s your wedding, and if her standing up as your Maid/Matron of Honor makes you uncomfortable because of your morals, then that’s your decision. You want to be comfortable and happy on your wedding day, not worried about your bridal party. Maybe in the next year you’ll be able to move past this?
Post # 8
Is this a decision you absolutely have to make right now? Can it wait until the end of the year, or whenever you place the bridesmaid dress order?
I try really hard not to be judgey with my friends, but my first marriage ended in large part because of my XH’s cheating, so being in your situation would have the potential of causing friction between my friend and me. It would just be hard for me to treat her lover as a proper boyfriend given the circumstances, and I could see that creating distance.
But why not see how things go for now? It’s possible (dare I say, likely?) her affair will fizzle shortly anyway, as these things tend to do.
Post # 9
I would say that by the time your wedding comes around this will have probably resolved itself by ending. If you can get past that her morals do not reflect yours and still maintain a relationship with her then it will work itself out before the wedding.
Post # 10
@Tangled: Agree 100%
I would assume she confessed to you because she trusts you and confided in you because she needs help and guidance, not judgement. Her values do not reflect yours – and you can continue to love and support her without condoning her actions.
You love her enough to ask her to stand beside you on your wedding day. Her mistakes (past, present and future) shouldn’t change how you feel about her. We all do stupid things…but it’s our friends that lift us up and help us carry on.
Post # 11
I guess I’ll be in the minority here… but I would have trouble asking her to be my maid of honor. A wedding is the ultimate celebration of the institution of marriage, not a day that’s all about defining your friendships. Don’t judge her, don’t stop loving her, but if this breach of the marriage contract upsets you, then don’t have her be your maid of honor and then regret the mockery. That being said, if it stops bothering you, there’s no problem and you should have her do it, but if it really doesn’t sit right with you, tell her honestly. She should know she’s not doing the right thing, and hopefully would understand. From your description, it does strike me as a little worse than just a situation where she got involved with a random married man, she actually knows the family well… Again, the wedding day is about your marriage, not your friendships, and if you’re close enough for her to confess these things to you, she should understand.
Post # 12
This is a tough one but I’m goign to have to say I personally would have a huge problem asking someone to stand up with me while I am getting married who is clearly disrespecting the institution of marriage. I know she is not the only one at fault and she isn’t the married one, but still she is completely wrong in what she is doing. I think you can still be there for her as a friend and not judge her for her actions, but to me that does not mean you also have to have her be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Do what your gut is telling you.
Post # 13
I agree to put this off a bit, if you can. Things are always most shocking at first. Think about if your friend had done this ten years ago and you had the advantage of time. My prediction would be that the affair would probably have ended quickly. She would have felt really bad about it. You would have thought it was a horrible thing for her to do, but you would see how hurt she was by it all and how much she regretted it and you would have known she is still a good person who respects marriage but got caught up in a bad situation. Then when your wedding rolled around you would have been so excited to have her as Maid/Matron of Honor because this affair was no longer defining her in your mind because you had time to get over it. The problem is that this is happening right now and it’s in the forfront of your mind. So give it some time. Because I think, in the end, you’d regret not having her in your party over this.
Post # 14
If you would want her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor without this confession, you should ask her.
I’m not sure why you hold her to a higher standard than the guy. She’s not married. She’s not cheating. He is. It is hard to watch your friends make bad decisions, but try to be supportive. Don’t punish her by leaving her out of the wedding party.
Post # 15
She has no respect for marriage. That is clear. Therefore, I can understand feeling uncomfortable having her play such a huge part in a ceremony that she feels is meaningless. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing a different friend for you Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 16
@ississues: thnx ladies for all the replies. i definitely see a point to what everyone said. i do agree that it’s all too fresh and happening in the now to have some objectivity in the issue. i think i will let some time pass and see how things go. it doesnt change the love i have for her in no way and i’m not sayin that i was considering dropping her as a friend. but i do think that it is a disrespect to the institution of marriage, or even to what it means to be committed to a person. she is sleeping with both her boyfriend (whom was and has been one of her best friends for years even before i met her and even before they started sleeping together) AND the boyfriend’s dad at the same time and i dont know if she plans to stop. so in that light while my love for her has not changed, my respect for her has. i think it jsut made me lose respect for her, and lose trust in the things she holds sacred, for which the list has been running short lately. and i do know that the only reason our friendship has lasted is because i dont judger her in any of her past actions. im very aware that we all make mistake but i also would like to believe that we all have to grow up at some point and take responsibility for our actions and do whats right especially when we know the difference from right and wrong. and i would love to believe that especially of my friends becuase it does hurt to see someone constantly making the wrong choices when they could have so much more going for them. so i guess thats why im just disappointed in her and this whole situation even if i’m not the one directly affected by it. but like i said, i think time will tell best. thnx all for your help and making me think about it in different ways.