Post # 1
As some of you know, I’m planning my daughter and her fiances wedding set for Dec 1st. To give a little background, Bride and Groom are both in their early 20’s and High School Sweethearts. The groom has been a staple in our lives since he was 16. He comes from a very abusive home life both physically and mentally (I wouldn’t be surprised if it was sexually as well). I’ve never met his mother or stepfather. He has an extremely supportive grandmother who has done her best to raise him as much as possible. He has grown into a very strong, loving and caring young man who will be leaving for the Navy in January.
Bride and Groom visitied Grooms mom tonight and mom mentioned in front of step dad that they should host a rehearsal dinner. Stepdad said that he shouldn’t be expected to because he isnt his real dad and he should ask his real dad to do it. Bride and Groom left and stepdad called Groom a little while later and told him to ask me if a rehearsal dinner was really needed.
I know it’s important to my Future son in law to have a relationship with his mom, however I would not be confortable meeting them for the first time at a rehearsal dinner they are hosting. She has had months to reach out to me with a simple phone call. I have fed this boy more meals and given him more nights on my couch than I can count. As far as I’m concerned, he is MY son. Question is, how do I bow out gracefully and am I being a bitch by doing so?
Post # 3
Omg I don’t know what to tell you…besides the fact that you’re amazing for being such a good mom to your ‘adopted’ son because really, isn’t that what he is? No matter what you do about the dinner, feel great about what an amazing mom you are, because you are. Him growing into such a great young man is most likely because of you and your love and support. You should be proud 🙂
Post # 4
You don’t bow out. If you really consider him your son, you’ll be there for him, even when it is awkward or uncomfortable. He’s already got one person who doesn’t want to be there (stepdad), why make him feel like a mother figure who means so much to him doesn’t want to be there too?
I’m unclear – won’t you be meeting them at the wedding if you don’t meet them at the rehearsal dinner?
Post # 5
This is a tricky situation because although you have been there for him and feel he is your son, he does have a mom. And him wanting to involve her is a call him and your daughter need to make together.
Don’t say anything about her hosting the rehearsal, maybe offer to get together before then. And if things don’t work out with the mom and the rehersal be there to listen to them vent if they need to:)
Post # 6
Well is it completely out of the question for you and the couple to throw the rehearsal dinner yourselves? Perhaps if you do that and just send them the invitation it will make things easier knowing they are GUESTS and not hosts of the night. Which gives you the upper hand. And should at least make them a little respectful the night of. That way he has his mother there, and there shouldn’t be a huge scene. If his step father is a creep like many in those families are, if they throw it you can almost count on them making rude inapproprate comments throughout the night, but perhaps if they are just guests their tongues will be kept in their mouths, and if not you have the right to have them/him removed from the dinner
Post # 7
I would call up his mom, introduce yourself, and invite her over for coffee. Then suck it up and go. It isn’t going to be comfortable, but this woman will be in your life for a long time (think grandkids’events). It is best to get it over with now.
Post # 8
I think the part that bugs me the most is that he will he paying for the dinner (even though he hasnt worked in many years) and it seems like he wants to be talked into this so people wil feel gratitude towards him.
I will eventually meet them, but would it be so awful if my husband and I paid for our own dinners if we attend? If I have to thank him I may throw up. I’m only human. I would love for him to have a relationship with his mom but when I hear about the things she allowed to happen to him as a child, I just want to catch her in a dark alley and I’m so not a violent person.
Thank you Lia! That’s the exact thing I tell his grandma.
Post # 9
@Jer72: Youre welcome, it’s true.
Post # 10
@Jer72: “would it be so awful if my husband and I paid for our own dinners if we attend? If I have to thank him I may throw up.”
Yes, it would be creating drama where there is no need to add any on. If you really feel strongly about not accepting a meal from this couple, then just tack that extra onto the newlyweds’ gift or something so you feel even in your mind.
You don’t have to thank him. You can say something like, “Lovely restaurant for the rehearsal” or “We’re so excited for John and Jane!”
Post # 11
can you maybe contact her & offer to split hosting? Say you’d already budgeted to help & you’d be happy to take some of the stress off her.